Alleged “shoebomber” Richard Reid recently told a reporter that although things have not been going very well for him, he sees a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

“I had a couple of good dreams about my situation changing for the better in the not too distant future so this is a blessing from Allah.”

TNOYF’s crack investigative team sat down with Mr. Reid and discovered the “Top 9 Ways Richard Reid Sees His Life Changing For The Better.”

9. Fun with food. The new prison menu was just released and- are you ready for this?- every other Tuesday is now “breakfast-for-dinner-night”.  What a sheer delight! Think of the hilarity in the juxtaposition of these meals! Pancakes and syrup after dark? Priceless. As detestable as I find them, these infidels have a creative streak a mile wide.

8. State-funded eye-care program takes effect next month. If I were ever to have any sort of eye problems- Allah forbid- they would now be covered by the Great Satan’s ocular henchmen.

7. A young love blossoms (Part I). Darnae in Cell Block D passed a note via fishing line saying he thinks I am “cute.” I have not yet responded as I am loathe to look too eager.

6. More sanitary conditions. Delousing’s have been changed from a monthly to a weekly schedule.

5. Literary progress. More time to work on my latest book, The Enigmatic Shoe: A Treatise on the Ignition and Flammability of Everyday Footwear.

4. One-flush efficiency. Allah pulled some strings with the warden, and I just discovered that I will be getting a new cell complete with an old school, high-volume prison toilet instead of the Al Gore issued one-pint capacity model I currently have. Yes, a new day is dawning for Richard Reid.

3. A young love blossoms (Part II). New halal fifi-bags have received prison approval.

2. Media exposure. I recently made the final cut of Trading Spaces: Supermax Edition. Before long I will have the opportunity to redecorate the cell of a Jewish white-collar criminal named Moshi. Clearly Allah has smiled upon me.

1. Lower susceptibility to anal rape. With 23 out of 24 hours a day spent in solitary confinement, I have a much better chance- statistically speaking- of being struck by lightning then of having my haram-hole violated.

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