I would like to personally thank everyone who participated in our “1-Year-Anniversary Top 9 List Contest“. As with all of the Top 9 Lists here, actually having 9 items is neither a prerequisite nor actually expected. In fact, I may have sub-consciously penalized those entries with only 9 listings. I cannot recall. But I digress. There were some great offerings, but we were able to narrow down the winner and runners-up to the following posts:

Honorable Mention: Our very funny friend Bob at Crazy Politico offers:

Top 9 Ways To Tell You’ve Become A DC Has Been

9)  Bloggers start calling you “Senator Kennedy” instead of  “Boston’s
Scotch Soaked Whale.”

  Bob Novak mentions his sources when he writes about you in his column.

7)  Dan Quayle gets better seats at restaurants.

6)  The Late Late Show will book you, but only if you do the Iowa Scream.

5)  The checks from Jack Abramoff bounce.

4)  Harry Reid doesn’t mention you as a member of the culture of corruption.

3)  Leno replaces you with Neverland jokes in his monologue.

2) You mention God daily on the floor of the House and the ACLU won’t
sue.

1) Dick Cheney won’t waste a shotgun shell on you.

3rd Place: The never-at-a-loss for an outstanding title, Patriot Xeno of Right Hand Of God gives us:

Top 9 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day Is Total Crap, Some Of Which May Or may Not Have To Do With My Personal Experiences With Women (in random order)

9) If you don’t have a girlfriend/etc the entire world makes sure you know how much of a loser you are for not having one.

If you DO have a girlfriend, if you don’t spend a ridiculous amount of money on her, you will no longer have a girlfriend, and the entire world will make sure you know how much of a loser you are for not having one.

7) Things which may otherwise seem like a great idea, such as the Great Valentine’s Day Non-Date of 2003, turn out to be truly terrible ideas, probably because you went to see Daredevil (which totally blows), and the girl you went to see it with later stands you up when you finally ask her on a real date.

6) Unless you have the wisdom to go out to eat the day before instead, welcome to the longest wait to eat since the 9 months you were in the womb.

5) Science* has shown that people who celebrate Valentine’s day are more likely to die horrible agonizing deaths, often while poor and alone.

4) Usually, even if you do send a girl something for Valentine’s day, she’ll wait until you get really really interested in her, then abruptly quit talking to you because she met some no talent @ss-clown from Sacramento.

3) Historians** have recently learned that in the Garden of Eden, Eve tricked Adam into eating the apple on purpose, because he didn’t buy her diamonds, thus condemning the rest of us to a lifetime of pain and suffering, proving once again the old saying: no matter how good your intentions, there’s always a woman waiting to stab you in the back.

2) The true story of Valentine’s day goes back to when St. Valentine’s wife decided she needed yet another day for her husband to buy her something impractical like a diamond instead of spending that money on something useful for himself, like another gun.

1) Pretty sure you’re gonna get dumped anyways.

2nd Place: Lynn at the very well-written Seeing Red (which we recently added to our Noseworthy Sites)comes in with:

Top Nine Workshops Offered In the Mexican Government�s 5-day Seminar �Operation Flee�

9. Document Forgery: How to create quality documents that will stand up to minimal scrutiny. Supplies needed: Small picture of yourself, construction paper, scissors, glue, tape, colored pencils, hot iron. Laminate will be provided.

8. Third Trimester Traveling: Discussion will focus on crossing the border in the third trimester to ensure a legal offspring. Attendees will receive a complimentary diaper bag and two WIC vouchers.

7. From Maria to Sally; Juan to Brad: Tips on how to scan the obituaries for that perfect American name. This will be a small group setting by the pool. Sign up now. This is a popular one!

6. Thinking Like a Democrat: Everything you need to know about the American political process. This will be a video presentation. Guest speaker: Michael Moore

5. The Joy of Entitlement: A hands on workshop where attendees will practice filling out government assistance forms. Supplies needed: Eraser.

4. Beginning Survival Skills: Enjoy a one mile walk simulating the route from Mexico to several different border infiltration sites. Participants will learn basic survival skills while enjoying such games as: German Spotlight, Hide and Seek, and Red Rover. Supplies needed: Canteen, dark clothing. Supplies provided: Map. Guest speaker: Rev. Robin Hoover

3. Identifying American Currency: Learn to identify and use American currency in stores, banks, and street corners. Supplies provided: Money in the form of large wrapped bundles, small bills, coins, checks, and vouchers. Supplies needed: None

2. Your Vote Counts: After a brief history of American politics attendees will cast mock votes with an authentic 20000 Florida election ballot. Door prizes will be awarded for the ballot with the most hanging chads. Guest speaker: Al Gore

1. Conversational English: (Due to low attendance in the past this workshop might be cancelled.)

Grand Prize: The always entertaining, appropriately sycophantic, multi-talented Mr. Right who, by the way, has just saved me countless hours of staring at my monitor while trying to write my autobiography. It’s all here with:

Top 9 Little Known Facts About Buckley F. Williams

9) Due to a pending lawsuit from David Letterman, he has been forced to cut 10% of the funny out his “lists”.

Has spent far too much time staring at the nose on his OWN face, making him permanently cross-eyed.

7) He and his evil-illegitimate-half-twin-brother, Brian Williams of NBC News, are both third-cousins-twice-removed to the deceased street thug and children’s book author Stanley “Tookie” Williams!

6) In High School, he was voted “most likely to be called ‘a quiet guy who generally keeps to himself’ on the evening news”.

5) He is the only known person in North America to have actually purchased a DVD copy of “Gigli”, which he views at least twice daily while consuming mass quantities of Nutella (which, by the way, is precisely why there’s never enough left for him to offer any to you)!

5) He has an odd and somewhat annoying habit of being unable to count to nine.

4) He was once fired from his job as a reporter at the Washington Post after “breaking” news that cost the newspaper a small fortune to fix!

3) If you ever meet Buckley in person, and notice that the hair on the back of his neck is beginning to stand on end and his ears are starting to twitch, slowly back away to a safe distance, as he is preparing to bite!

2) When he is not writing satire, he is hard at work at his day job: cleaning windshields with a bottle of his own spit an oily rag at an expressway on-ramp.

1) Contrary to the rumors, Dick Cheney never accidentally shot Buckley F. Williams in a hunting accident. According to the Vice President’s own sworn affidavit, he was aiming right at him.

Thanks again to all of you who participated in this contest and to everyone who continues to support our site.

Thanks to Mudville.

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