TNOYF has obtained a copy of the new manifesto which has been created as part of a cooperative effort by several moderate Muslim groups. These groups have grown tired of Islam being taken over by extremists, and are attempting to show the world that theirs truly is a religion of peace.

“We, the moderate Muslims of the world have sat by for far too long and watched as our great religion has been hijacked by those who have committed horrendous acts in Islam’s name. Rapes, murders, and worse have been committed by those purporting to do Allah’s will. But no more. From this day forth, the following commandments shall be the guidelines that all true, peaceful Muslims live by:”

• Genital mutilation is no longer acceptable. There is no place in modern Islam for this barbaric practice. If you find your whore to be acting in a randy manner, seven firm kicks to the labia will suffice.
• Suicide bombings can no longer be condoned by anyone calling themselves a Muslim. If you have been provoked, insulted, or are just having a bad day and you have need to blow up infidels, please make sure you do not call yourself a Muslim.
• Stonings are to be used only in extreme situations such as when one of your wives has acted in an insolent way, or if your local merchant has run out of your favorite tea. In all other instances, if you feel the need to show your extreme displeasure with someone, invite them to a “Howie Mandel Movie Marathon” at your local theater.
• The wearing of burkas is degrading to females and is no longer allowed. When in public, women will now have the option to wear either Groucho glasses or a Bigfoot costume with a clown nose.
• Beheadings are hereby strongly discouraged. Common decency dictates that if you must take your sword to someone’s head for having different beliefs than you, the least you can do is leave it connected on one side by a skin flap.
• Chants of ‘”Death to America”, “Death to Israel” and the like are also discouraged. However, chants of “Large amounts of discomfort to… (fill in the oppressive Western nation)” are still highly recommended.
• Violent street protests are also discouraged. We realize that this may hurt business at all “Farook’s House of Flags and Effigies” chain stores, but we must be willing to reach across the aisle, so to speak.
• Women are to be granted a full complement of rights, provided that these are given as follow-ups to lefts.
• “The Arab Street” will now be known as “Wysteria Lane.” We feel this softer language is more in line with our new image.
• On the media front; we will not renewing our contracts with either CNN or the AP due to their extreme anti-American biases. We have decided instead to re-up with Al Jazeera as they have a demonstrably more pro-Western stance.
• Wahabbism is no more. Wasabbism, a tangier, more delicious school of thought, shall take it’s place.

9. Live Leak keeps acting all uppity with their “freedom to express different viewpoints” attitude.

8. Portrays Muslims as violent and murderous; but in a negative way.

7. Thought the lead role should have gone to Shatner.

6. Upset with the big push by the producers to get it ready in time for Cannes.

5. Forces Muslim rioters to craft yet another batch of poorly-spelled, though surprisingly neat, protest signs in English.

4. Very poor lighting during the flag burning sequences.

3. Too one-sided. Never gave non-partisan groups like CAIR, Al Qaeda, or Hezbollah a chance to tell their side of the story.

2. Refuses to show the “kinder, gentler side” of bloodthirsty jihadists.

1. Takes call for “violent, painful death to all Jews and non-believers” out of context.