In what many are calling a concerted effort to purge his proverbial closet of all potentially harmful skeletons, presumed Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has severed all ties with his radical letter carrier, Chuck Patterson.

This move comes on the heels of Obama’s decision to leave the controversial Trinity United Church of Chicago after he spent much time defending former pastors Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Rev. Michael Pfleger.

“Well, well, well…what a coincidence that Senator Obama received his mail from a man who, by all accounts, used his federal postal route to deliver a virulent brand of radicalism,” said Republican spokesman Darren Scoresby. “Chuck Patterson is not only a racist, American-hating extremist, from what I have heard, he is also a sub-par mailman who can’t tell bulk mail from a she-male.”

Some of Patterson’s more controversial actions include:

• Referring to plain white business envelopes as “third-class cracker wrappers”, when delivering mail to caucasian households.
• Walking his route with his pit bull “Mail Dawg” wearing nothing but a Kanye West half-shirt and a pair of Crocs instead of his government-issued uniform.
• Circulating to fellow postal workers a revised version of the postal creed (”Neither rain nor snow…”) that read, “If it’s raining, snowing or even just a bit overcast, this courier is keeping his black ass in his climate-controlled mail jeep, thank you very much.”
• Beating an old woman’s barking toy poodle to death with the Neiman Marcus fall catalog.

Obama distanced himself from Patterson’s actions, but was quick to note “I can no more denounce my letter carrier than I can my gardener, my waitstaff, or my chauffer.” An Obama official went on to say that the senator only occasionally receives mail at home.

“This is just getting plain old silly now,” said Obama campaign spokesman Walter Simms. “Senator Obama has had his name taken off of all of the junk mailing lists, and he has a PO Box that he uses frequently; that means that weeks or months may go by where his letter carrier does not even come to the house. All of this posturing is a desperate move by the Clinton campaign to keep a primary going that by all rights was over a long time ago.”

Obama’s Democratic primary opponent Hillary Clinton was quick to seize on the controversy as yet another valid reason for her to stay in the race noting that “postal carriers have been known to snap and shoot people they feel have wronged them.”

Hollywood icon Harrison Ford is currently appearing in an Internet video having his chest waxed. Ford, the star of such blockbuster franchises as Star Wars and Indiana Jones, decided to undergo the painful procedure as a way of demonstrating the pain that the Earth feels when deforestation occurs.

Too often celebrities are chastised by conservative pundits, radio hosts (see Laura Ingraham’s “Shut Up And Sing!“), or bloggers for not “putting their money where their mouth is.” We at TNOYF applaud Mr. Ford for taking a stand, and hope that other stars will follow suit.

Following are other noteworthy causes with our suggestions for celebrity activism.

9. Staple individual slices of Kraft cheese to a handcuffed Sean Penn and then unleash 1,000 Norway Rats to commemorate the spread of the bubonic plague in the late 1300s.

8. Cut out Barbara Streisand’s tongue to symbolize her unity with oppressed women in the Middle East.

7. Burn Oliver Stone’s books, impound his homes and vehicles, confiscate his money, and throw him in jail with no legal representation to show his unity with the plight of the much-maligned former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

6. Program robots to perform painful anal probes on Nancy Pelosi to draw attention to discriminatory practices against illegal aliens.

5. Have Michael Moore’s core temperature raised to 147 degrees to symbolize the dramatic impact that global warming has had on the planet.

4. Perform a lobotomy on Reverend Jeremiah Wright to once and for all end the question over neurological differences between blacks and whites.

3. Cover Geraldo Rivera in brightly-colored papier-mache` and hang him from a tree near a group of stick-wielding juvenile delinquents to show support for the plight of undocumented immigrants.

2. Have the cast of The View hold a “Be A Baby Fur Seal For A Day” telethon during which they take turns clubbing each other to show support for the lovable aquatic mammals.

1. Feed Danny Glover to grey wolves to celebrate the carnivore’s return to prominence in the western United States due to the tireless efforts of animal rights activists.