Even as the state of Israel is celebrating their 60th year of existence, a plot to bring down the much-maligned, precariously situated nation reminded the world yet again of the dangers they face.

The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) reported early this morning that they have uncovered an elaborate, joint terror plot that was financed by Iran, and to be carried out by Al Qaeda and Hamas.

The plot involved operatives from the two terror netwo

orks luring Israel to a West Bank TGI Friday’s restaurant where waitresses lay in wait to sing their own rendition of “Happy Birthday.”

“Barbaric is the only word I can think of to describe this,” said Ehud Cohen of the IDF. “Missile attacks and suicide bombers we are prepared for; these are daily risks for Israelis. But subjecting the nation to an off-key rendition of ‘Happy, Happy Birthday’ sung by an inordinately cheery gaggle of flair-laden teens is more than any nation can bear. The civilized world should be up in arms over this.”

The IDF also revealed that the terrorists had planned to give Israel a gag t-shirt that read “Evil Zionist Nations Don’t Get Old, They Just Eventually Get Nuked”, as well as placing trick candles on the birthday cake.

The plot came unravelled when an alert cashier at Spencer’s became suspicious when the terrorist cell members ordered the shirt in a size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL.

A St. Cloud University student in a teacher-training program was forced to leave his position last month because he feared for the safety of his service dog, Emmit. Tyler Hurd, who suffers from epilepsy, employs the black labrador to save his life in case of a seizure. A Muslim student at the school threatened to kill the dog in accordance with the Islamic belief that dogs are dirty animals and should not be allowed in the presence of Muslims.

University representatives were vexed by the complexities of the case, but confident that Hurd made the right decision by leaving school.

“Whew, I have to say this is a tough one,” said SCU student relations director David Vetter. “Now, code 54 bylaw 1.74b of the university’s charter clearly states that angry, offended Muslims trump all other groups. There’s no wiggle room there. However, an epileptic with a service dog could possibly get preferential treatment under code 71 bylaw 3.43j if he were to have a minimum of three of the top five other victimization criteria. Just off the top of my head, he would have to be any combination of transgendered, HIV-positive, an atheist, dyslexic, or related to Al Sharpton. And even then it’s really iffy. Without those factors though, there is no chance for an appeal. The rules are not vague here; the homicidal Muslim angle is almost impossible to beat. If I were a betting man, I’d put it all against the shaky kid with the dog in this case.”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals seemed unsure of how to proceed as well.

“Well, we certainly frown upon death threats against animals,” said PETA spokesman Wendy Dillenbeck. “But rules are rules, and irate Islamists are at the top of the grievance chart in Western society at this particular point in time. The only way I see this case changing is if Emmit were to convert to Islam. Now that might throw a wrinkle in their plans.”

We are continuously stunned by the amount of fan mail we get from our readers. It is extremely flattering, and were we less-grounded people, we would surely start to get big heads from the kudos we receive.

Moreover, we are always encouraged to see that our readership abroad, the Netherlands in particular, continues to grow. Although we have never quite figured out the semantics of the whole Netherlands-Holland-Dutch thing, we have always loved the variety of ways in which they are able to refer to themselves.

Today’s letter is in response to one of our earlier articles (Sudanese Reaction To Mohammed Teddy Bear Reveals Ignorance About The Power Of The Mohammed Brand) and comes from a typical Dutchman, a Mr. Rami Yasin. I can almost see Mr. Yasin slipping off his wood shoes and putting on his handmade ice skates as he prepares to make figure eights on an idyllic Dutch pond. He writes:

You can draw,what ever fucking dame you want,
you can say what ever fucking dame you want,
you can think what ever fucking dame you want…”

Well, I for one am encouraged by Mr. Yasin’s strongly-held beliefs on personal freedom. I, too believe in these same exact things! I know if I keep digging, I’ll find a ton more that we have in common. And for the record, I choose Mary Katharine Ham. I know that “dame” is a bit of an archaic term, but who am I to judge Mr. Yasin’s culture? Besides, even though I don’t know Mary Katharine personally, she doesn’t seem like the type of person who would mind.

BUT…You cant face me,just that what I want from god. if we come face to face you well see what the fucking dame you deserve.

Oh. My God. I love to talk face-to-face too! E-mailing and texting are so impersonal. I smell a kindred spirit here! By the way, I can’t wait to see what dame I deserve. Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine! Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine!

I’m a muslem,I’m a MOHAMMED’s Soldier,

I’m a Christian, I was “Santa’s Little Helper” in my 3rd grade Christmas play! This is getting freaky.

I love him and all prophets as well as Jesuse
he is a human and he is my prophet too (my god wont and dont need to have a human child or any children because he is mighty over that all).

I love Jesus too! Only in my country we spell it without the last “e.” However, I’m a bit confused here. If your god “wont and dont need to have a human child,” then how come he was always dating them? That must be one of the “mysteries of Islam” I’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to learn more!

But you fucking disgusting christian people you dont have nothing.
I’m not going to discuss any thing with you,

Now that’s not true at all. I got flowers in the spring. I got you to wear my ring. I got you to hold my hand. I got you to understand. I got you to walk with me. I got you to talk with me. See? If you take the time, you can learn a lot about a person. We aren’t so different after all. Except the part about your religion directing you to kill those who think differently than you. Oh, and the cruel and inhumane manner in which you treat women. Plus there’s that suicide bomber thingy. And the utter and total disdain for human life. Besides that, it’s like looking in a mirror.

yes İslam is a violent religion just for you,because thats what you deserve.

Just for me it’s violent? I suppose that will come as something of a surprise to the people in the World Trade Center, the soldiers aboard the USS Cole, the victims of the London and Madrid bombings, and the myriad of people killed or threatened with death right in Holland. You are quite the flatterer though! You almost had me there, you silver-tongued jihadist you!

Damen…I have too be more bad than that,to kile people like you.see you or your fuck cristian people…

Wow. Your god lets you swear a lot more than my god does. And for the record, it’s Buckley, not Damen.

in the armageddon war day at 2035..27 years left

Thanks for the heads up. You heard it here first everyone. Only 9,855 shopping days left until the Armageddon War Day.

Thanks again to Mr. Yasin for taking the time to write.

TNOYF has obtained a copy of the new manifesto which has been created as part of a cooperative effort by several moderate Muslim groups. These groups have grown tired of Islam being taken over by extremists, and are attempting to show the world that theirs truly is a religion of peace.

“We, the moderate Muslims of the world have sat by for far too long and watched as our great religion has been hijacked by those who have committed horrendous acts in Islam’s name. Rapes, murders, and worse have been committed by those purporting to do Allah’s will. But no more. From this day forth, the following commandments shall be the guidelines that all true, peaceful Muslims live by:”

• Genital mutilation is no longer acceptable. There is no place in modern Islam for this barbaric practice. If you find your whore to be acting in a randy manner, seven firm kicks to the labia will suffice.
• Suicide bombings can no longer be condoned by anyone calling themselves a Muslim. If you have been provoked, insulted, or are just having a bad day and you have need to blow up infidels, please make sure you do not call yourself a Muslim.
• Stonings are to be used only in extreme situations such as when one of your wives has acted in an insolent way, or if your local merchant has run out of your favorite tea. In all other instances, if you feel the need to show your extreme displeasure with someone, invite them to a “Howie Mandel Movie Marathon” at your local theater.
• The wearing of burkas is degrading to females and is no longer allowed. When in public, women will now have the option to wear either Groucho glasses or a Bigfoot costume with a clown nose.
• Beheadings are hereby strongly discouraged. Common decency dictates that if you must take your sword to someone’s head for having different beliefs than you, the least you can do is leave it connected on one side by a skin flap.
• Chants of ‘”Death to America”, “Death to Israel” and the like are also discouraged. However, chants of “Large amounts of discomfort to… (fill in the oppressive Western nation)” are still highly recommended.
• Violent street protests are also discouraged. We realize that this may hurt business at all “Farook’s House of Flags and Effigies” chain stores, but we must be willing to reach across the aisle, so to speak.
• Women are to be granted a full complement of rights, provided that these are given as follow-ups to lefts.
• “The Arab Street” will now be known as “Wysteria Lane.” We feel this softer language is more in line with our new image.
• On the media front; we will not renewing our contracts with either CNN or the AP due to their extreme anti-American biases. We have decided instead to re-up with Al Jazeera as they have a demonstrably more pro-Western stance.
• Wahabbism is no more. Wasabbism, a tangier, more delicious school of thought, shall take it’s place.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy:I am a young Muslim woman living in Pakistan, and I desperately need your advice. My father recently gave me to one of his friends as a bride. I was not thrilled with the choice, but being a devout follower of Allah and the Qu’ran, I have decided to make the best of it. I find that if I breathe evenly through my mouth (depending on where he is in his shower cycle, it can get rather odorous) and concentrate on a spot on the ceiling, it’s usually over pretty quickly, praise be to Allah.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is concerning the beatings. While I understand this is his way of showing his love for me, I find it difficult to tend to my wifely duties with broken fingers. Is there a way to bring up this subject without incurring his wrath?

Sincerely,

Cowering In Kandahar

Dear Cowering:

Please take the following steps.

1. Turn-off and unplug your computer.

2. Throw it over the edge of the nearest cliff.

3. Making sure to first cover yourself, go outside.

4. Find a round rock that fits comfortably in your palm. Nothing too smooth.

5. Say the following: “I am sorry, dear Allah, for using modern technology,” over and over again.

6. Bash the rock repeatedly into your skull until unconscious.

Thank you,
Islamic Rage Boy

P.S. If by chance you survive the encounter, do not even consider the possibly of having your laptop repaired. We will be monitoring you a bit more closely from now on.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am an enthusiastic young jihadi living in the vanguard of the new caliphate; London, England. Even though I am only seventeen, I have a wealth of experience as a Holy Warrior. To wit, I have recruited eighteen suicide bombers; I’ve filed a multi-million dollar “defamation of Muhammad” lawsuit in international court against noted Islamophobe Mark Steyn; and I have personally removed the heads of no less than eleven non-believers.

But therein lies the problem. My carpet cleaning expenses have become astronomical. My friends are always saying that I should perform these decapitations at a neutral site; like an alley or a public square. I have tried both of these, but felt more than a little uncomfortable each time.

When I sawed off the head of a non-believer in the alley, I felt…sneaky. Like I was doing something wrong. And the time I practiced my craft in a London park, almost everyone avoided eye contact. When I caught the attention of the few who did look my way, they clearly had disapproving looks on their faces.

No, I prefer the “home field advantage,” as the American devils are fond of saying. Which brings me back to my original point: how can I continue to perform Allah’s work, and maintain a clean, stain-free carpet all at the same time? And please do not recommend over-the-counter products. I have tried all of them before with no success. I anxiously await your response.

Khalid of the Clotted Carpet Clan

Dear Khalid,

My hat is off to you my friend. You truly have a resume that would be considered impressive by any standard. I must say, you remind me of myself in many ways. I too was once young and ambitious. You are surely on your way to accomplishing great things. However, stubborn stains have been the undoing of many a Holy Warrior with great potential. You were right to come to me.

I still recall one time during the early days of my career when my ambition was writing checks my machete couldn’t cash. I had a ridiculously busy schedule this particular Saturday: a 5:00 pm decapitation in my living room, followed quickly by the clitorectomies of the Hassan triplets at 6:00. To top it all off, I had 100 guests arriving at my hut at 8:00 for a party to celebrate the anniversaries of me and six of my wives!

After completing my duties, I looked down and saw several embarrassing stains on the rug. I tried cold water with no luck (even though I blotted and did not scrub). I tried several OTC cleaning products, but each one seemed to only add more depth and color to the stains.

Finally, I swallowed my pride and called in a professional. It was the best move I ever made. The staff was knowledgeable, professional, and quickly converted to Islam with only a minimum of coaxing. The carpets came clean, the celebration went off without a hitch, and I can now perform a wide range of religious ceremonies at home with complete confidence.

I learned a valuable lesson through the humiliating sequence of events that day. You may be able to get away with inferior products in some instances, but not all the time. When it comes to the cleanliness and beauty of your home, accept no substitutes.