Directly on the heels of his blowout loss in West Virginia, Barack Obama received a much-needed boost when John Edwards threw his endorsement to the Illinois senator.

“There is no question that this helps,” said Obama campaign spokesman Darren Guilford. “How couldn’t it? Senator Edwards brings several key voting blocs into play that, quite honestly,  had been out of reach for us before. For starters, he has an unheard of favorable rating of 99.5% among white, metro-sexual males with monthly hair care expenditures of over $1,000. And I think his crossover appeal among non-verbal, cerebral palsy sufferers and unborn children goes without saying. We are very happy to receive such an important endorsement.”

Edwards noted that the time was right to make his endorsement of Senator Obama.

“Since I dropped out of the presidential race I have been working quietly, if not feverishly, behind the scenes to learn all that I could about both Barack and Hillary,” he said. “Once I became comfortable that my beliefs were much more in line with Barack’s, which was confirmed by polling numbers showing him as the shoo-in candidate, my decision was an easy one. I just hope that my humble ability to communicate with all kinds of Americans from medically neglected zygotes, to the uber-fabulously coiffed, will benefit Barack’s campaign.” 

At least one veteran beltway watcher agreed with Edwards’ assessment.

“I think Senator Edwards is being extremely self-deprecating when he speaks of his ‘humble ability to communicate’ with critical special interest groups,” said Martin Gascoigne of the DC Policy Institute. “Well-kept caucasian males with free-spending haircare habits are a vital demographic, and they are not easily swayed by empty political rhetoric. They’ve been burned too many times before by promises of universal haircare from smooth talking politicians. As the young people say, Edwards has an inordinate amount of ’street cred’ with them. When we look back at this presidential race, it is very likely that this could be the tipping point for Obama getting both the Democratic nomination and a clear shot at the presidency.”   

Michelle Malkin opines on the website “Stuff White People Like,” and wonders aloud if there’s potential in a website dedicated to Stuff Muslims Don’t Like.

To help, here’s TNOYF’s list of the Top 9 Things That Muslims Don’t Like.

9. That recurring nightmare where they are in front of a million screaming jihadists with an American flag and a box of damp matches.

8. When a cranky rotator cuff produces inaccurate, sidearm-hurling at stonings.

7. Matzo and Brisket Day in the jihadist cafeteria.

6. The inexplicable failure of consumer electronics companies to recognize the marketing opportunity for blood-resistant video cameras.

5. That dark day in history when, due to a bizarre genetic mutation and Allah’s sick sense of humor, women suddenly developed the ability to make sound.

4. Nosebleed end-zone seats at the soccer stadium for the weekly execution festival.

3. Landing gear.

2. Discovering that the peculiar odor in the house was an infidel head taken as a souvenir by your son and hidden beneath his not-so-secret stash of Camel Love Quarterly.

1. Spending several hours tracking the enticing sounds of an injured baby goat through a cave only to find it was that ventriloquist prankster, Abdul.

(See more Islamic Rage Boy®!)

TNOYF has obtained a copy of the new manifesto which has been created as part of a cooperative effort by several moderate Muslim groups. These groups have grown tired of Islam being taken over by extremists, and are attempting to show the world that theirs truly is a religion of peace.

“We, the moderate Muslims of the world have sat by for far too long and watched as our great religion has been hijacked by those who have committed horrendous acts in Islam’s name. Rapes, murders, and worse have been committed by those purporting to do Allah’s will. But no more. From this day forth, the following commandments shall be the guidelines that all true, peaceful Muslims live by:”

• Genital mutilation is no longer acceptable. There is no place in modern Islam for this barbaric practice. If you find your whore to be acting in a randy manner, seven firm kicks to the labia will suffice.
• Suicide bombings can no longer be condoned by anyone calling themselves a Muslim. If you have been provoked, insulted, or are just having a bad day and you have need to blow up infidels, please make sure you do not call yourself a Muslim.
• Stonings are to be used only in extreme situations such as when one of your wives has acted in an insolent way, or if your local merchant has run out of your favorite tea. In all other instances, if you feel the need to show your extreme displeasure with someone, invite them to a “Howie Mandel Movie Marathon” at your local theater.
• The wearing of burkas is degrading to females and is no longer allowed. When in public, women will now have the option to wear either Groucho glasses or a Bigfoot costume with a clown nose.
• Beheadings are hereby strongly discouraged. Common decency dictates that if you must take your sword to someone’s head for having different beliefs than you, the least you can do is leave it connected on one side by a skin flap.
• Chants of ‘”Death to America”, “Death to Israel” and the like are also discouraged. However, chants of “Large amounts of discomfort to… (fill in the oppressive Western nation)” are still highly recommended.
• Violent street protests are also discouraged. We realize that this may hurt business at all “Farook’s House of Flags and Effigies” chain stores, but we must be willing to reach across the aisle, so to speak.
• Women are to be granted a full complement of rights, provided that these are given as follow-ups to lefts.
• “The Arab Street” will now be known as “Wysteria Lane.” We feel this softer language is more in line with our new image.
• On the media front; we will not renewing our contracts with either CNN or the AP due to their extreme anti-American biases. We have decided instead to re-up with Al Jazeera as they have a demonstrably more pro-Western stance.
• Wahabbism is no more. Wasabbism, a tangier, more delicious school of thought, shall take it’s place.

9. “Okay. Two tickets to Les Mis for the person that comes up with the most creative way to tie this to the Bush administration. We’re talking front row loge seats here people, let’s move!”

8. “Hey, I’ve got an idea for a headline! How about, ‘Obama’s Pastor Falls Victim To Vast Wright Wing Conspiracy‘. See what I did there? I spelled Wright with a ‘w’ instead of an ‘r’.”

7. “Alright people. Let’s ask ourselves, ‘What would Jayson Blair do?’”

6. “I haven’t checked the wire in about ten minutes. Is Obama defending, condemning, or offering Wright a cabinet position now?”

5. “I think what would really finish this piece nicely is a Kanye West quote.”

4. “How’s this for an opening on the Wright piece? ‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation’?”

3. “‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation.’ Damn fine intro. It captures the essence of the Obama-Wright falling out very succinctly. Does anyone else smell a Pulitzer?”

2. “A guy that my husband works with told him that he heard it from a cousin that a woman that she knows has a friend who read on a blog that John McCain once had a tryst with Cher.”

1. “Which word do you think captures our utter lack of surprise at Wright’s multiple and well-documented inflammatory, racist, anti-American statements more: shocked, stunned, or flabbergasted?”

New polling data reveals that Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s “luck quotient”, or “LQ”, has skyrocketed of late, and that he now only lags behind Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner (Go ahead. Subscribe here. You know you want to.) as the most fortunate senior citizen alive today. The study, conducted by the AARP, was released earlier this week.

“When we luck at a person’s LQ we take many things into consideration,” said Jack Murphy, the designer of the study. “Obviously we look at the number of good things that has happened to the individual. We also look closely at the quality of the good fortune in each instance. When we totaled all of these factors up, Senator McCain was found to have an LQ of 198. To put that into perspective, Hugh Hefner has an LQ of 227, while Arthur Sanderson, an octogenarian with dementia from Burlington, Vermont who became lost in the woods and was eaten by feral cats, had an LQ of 3.”

McCain’s string of good fortune was not lost on one veteran senior watcher.

“This guy must have shamrocks for nipples and a horseshoe for a spleen,” said firebrand senior citizen pundit Buford ‘I Remember When Gas was 1/10 Cent Per Gallon’ Jackson. “First he rises from the dead and despite looking like Gollum with advanced leprosy manages to somehow slip through the Republican nomination process. Then he gets to watch Obama and Clinton whack the hell out of each other for the better part of the past year while he sits back, sips tea and bones up on ‘Conservatism For Dummies’. I’m not a betting man, but if I were I’d say that Senator McRabbit-Foot there might want to schedule in ‘Bingo Night’ at his church before his luck changes.”

After bursting onto the Republican presidential scene with much fanfare last year, Fred Thompson’s star slowly, methodically, and inexplicably burned out. Some say his heart just was not in the race. Others opined that he was ill-prepared for the fast-paced world of presidential primaries. Still others maintained that Thompson’s age was the biggest contributing factor to his lack of enthusiasm, and eventual poor showing. However, Thompson (the star of such smash films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Hunt for Red October) himself paints a very different picture for the reasons behind his unsuccessful bid for the presidency.

“Look, I’ve never been one to beat around the bush, so I’ll be very blunt about my campaign,” said the former Law & Order star. “I tanked it. I was just dialing it in. Self-sabotage. The fix was in. Why? I’ll tell you why. Jimmy Carter hasn’t been looking well lately. The eyes are droopier than usual. His shoulders are just a bit more hunched than in years past.

“He’s got the scent of death all over him. In fact, the Vegas line on him dropping dead within the next four years is 2:1. Now math was never my strong suit, but I reckon this all means that the next President is likely to get the oh-so-special treat of eulogizing Jimmy Carter. And truth be told, folks, I’d rather inherit a depression than have to speak kindly about the peanut-farming, terrorist-loving merchant of malaise.

“I mean, how would that have gone? ‘What more can I say about this man that the Iranian mullahs, Hamas, and the U.N. has not already said?’ Or, maybe, ‘Jimmy Carter. No other president had anywhere near the number of passport stamps from the Middle East as this man.’ Better yet, ‘Boy, he sure could build the Hell out of some low-income housing, huh?’ Thanks, but no.”

In his own inimitable manner, Thompson went on to assess his chances had Carter been in better health.

“Could I have won the presidency? Does a jackrabbit bask in the moonglow when the crow flies at half mast through the briar patch?”

Fresh off his Mission of Peace in the Middle East, former President Jimmy Carter recounts his trip with Keith Olbermann.

Welcome to Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Good evening. It is not everyday that you have the opportunity to interview a living legend. A pioneer. A man who has done more good for the world than all of the knuckle-draggers who have ever lived in the state of Texas combined. That man is former President Jimmy Carter. Welcome President Carter.

It’s great to be here Keith. And may I say, I really admired your work on SportsCenter.

You are far too kind, sir. President Carter, you recently returned from a groundbreaking tour of the Middle East where you met with some moderate Arab groups including the leadership of Hamas. Many dignitaries, including former Republican presidents, have made similar outreach efforts. Why then do you think that those on the right have been so quick to criticize your peace efforts?

I have to say that I was a bit surprised by that myself. I mean, I am a man of peace. I am also a man of dialogue and logic. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Have a dialogue with other interested parties about peace. See how I tied the three together there?

Masterfully done, sir. So when you looked in the Hamas leader’s culturally equal eyes, what did you see staring back at you?

I saw a man. Just a man. Like you or like me. Granted, he is a man that has a very different view on how the world should be. But who am I–who is anyone–to say that our perspective is more valid than his?

Damn it, yes! That’s exactly right! Who are we to judge others? Did you hear that, George Bush? President Carter, I implore you, don’t waste your time worrying about the fascist, neo-con naysayers who have tried to play down the significance of your efforts. Remember, Neville Chamberlain was not appreciated in his time either.

That’s right Keith. Prime Minister Chamberlain’s pivotal role in history has often been misunderstood and, dare I say, distorted. Upon his return from his meeting with Hitler, many saw his declaration of “peace in our time” as sign that he had been duped by the German leader. He met with Hitler twice in 1938. World War II ended in 1945. I am no mathematician, Keith, but it seems to me that he kept his promise. We did have peace in his time.

Yes!!! You see, that’s what makes you in my book, the greatest president this country has ever seen. Your ability to see things that no one else can see. To cut through all of the political posturing and pseudo-humanitarian whimpering about “all of the Jews that died at the hands of Hitler” blah, blah, blah.

Well, when you make an omelet…

Precisely! Now, Mr. President, there are those on the right who will point to the Hamas charter and say that some of its language categorically excludes Hamas from involvement in any peace negotiations. I’m speaking specifically of the language that expresses Hamas’ frustration with Israel’s repressive policies.

You mean the line, “Israel will exist and continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.”

Exactly. Clearly the cry of a peace-loving tolerant people under the yolk of of repressive tyranny. But Israel and the Bush Administration take it out of context by focusing on one word…

Yes, “obliterate” seems to be a bit polarizing for Israelis. But I’m thrilled to report that I had extensive discussions with Hamas about potential revisions to their charter, and they are willing to consider some alternative words to address these unfounded, silly fears.

I can’t say I’m surprised. Yet another Hamas olive branch. What words are being considered?

“Annihilate” and “decimate.”

I like them both. They clearly soften without changing intent.

I suggested “irradiate” and we all had a good laugh.

I’m sure you did. Well, Mr. President, that’s about all we have time for. I understand you’re off on another peace-keeping mission?

That’s right Keith. I’m heading on over to Africa to stay for a few weeks with the duly elected president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe. Except I call him Mugsy–it’s an inside joke. We laugh about that all the time.

It’s really a crime the way they are trying to steal the election from him. Anyone else smell a connection with Florida in 2000?

Aww, stop it Keith! You’re cracking me up here!

Always a pleasure Mr. President. Do me a favor? Build an extra nice house for Mugsy while you’re there. It seems like he could use the support.

Alright, will do Keith. Take care.

Traveling in Pennsylvania today, Republican presidential candidate John McCain told a small town gathering that liberals gravitate to certain causes out of bitterness fomented by their failure to succeed despite impressive SAT scores, domination of the world of academia, and intellectually incurious opponents.

“You go into these big cities in California, and, like a lot of big cities along both coasts of this great nation, you’ve got a multitude of Starbucks baristas with Ph.D’s in philosophy who can’t understand why the world doesn’t conform to their utopian vision,” said McCain. “So it’s not surprising that at a time when their country is the world’s sole superpower, using its military to fight a just war against Islamic terrorism, and its citizenry is renewing their faith in Christianity, they get bitter and cling to hopeless causes like partial-birth abortion, multi-culturalism, and the rehabilitation of serial killers.”

McCain campaign chairman Phil Gramm tried to head-off controversy as the senator’s comments made the rounds.

“Some will say that John McCain is stereotyping liberals,” said Gramm. “Still others will suggest that he’s out of touch with big-city values. So let me be clear: neither of these accusations approach the true depth of Senator McCain’s disdain for self-loathing leftist whiners who apparently spent a tad too long suckling at the grimy teat of their bohemian, unemployed mom.”

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama was quick to respond.

“This is yet another example of how low Republicans are willing to stoop in order to get elected. I was particularly offended at Senator McCain’s insistence on quoting actual statements from Democrats to support his allegation, thus making it nearly impossible for me to redirect the debate to the vagaries of hope. I expected more from a man his age.”

9. Obviously your involvement with both Reverend Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers of the Weather Underground have become huge campaign issues and we’d be remiss if we did not mention them. That being said, do you like Tiger Woods’ chances of taking at least two of the next three Majors this season?

8. If you had a time machine, would you go back in time to prevent U.S. troops from being sent to Iraq before or after you prevented them from being deployed to Europe in the 1940s for the senseless, extremely costly war against Germany and Japan?

7. One weblog forwarded the notion that “once you go Barack, you never go back.” Is this true?

6. Tell us more about your excellent campaign slogan: “A pony in every backyard.”

5. Two-part question. How many minority social workers from Chicago will it take to solve the ills of this country? And are you willing to tax evil corporations an additional 50-60% for the greater good that would come from their efforts?

4. How would you respond to your critics who have slammed you for having little to no practical foreign policy experience, conveniently omitting the fact that you have several atlases, a really cool globe that opens up into a bar, and home videos of your childhood trips that have already been converted from 8mm to digital?

3. If elected president, would you be comfortable using your powers to solve the world’s food shortage by turning a package of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks and a three-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi into lifetime supplies of each?

2. Given the following choices, what term best describes you: “wicked awesome”, “totally wicked awesome”, or “off the chain, cha-chinga-ching to the 10th power awesome?”

1. How many puppies would you estimate you have saved from drowning during your tenure in the United States Senate?

There has been a great deal of confusion, outrage, and discussion over Senator Barack Obama’s statements during a speech in San Francisco this past week. Rather than present some finely-crafted opinion to you, we instead offer this actual transcript of the exchange.

Greetings, San Francisco comrades. I can’t tell you how great it is to be back among my people after my recent travels.

Welcome, Dear Leader. We are anxious to hear about your expedition to the hinterland.

I’m sure you are. And I am anxious to unburden myself. I saw… things. Unspeakable things.

Yes. We have heard from the Goracle that “the part of the country that must not be named” is populated by climatically-challenged freaks, mutants having only one set of sexual organs, and the intellectually incurious. Is it so?

If it were only that simple, my friends. No, what I saw would turn your double latte frappuccino sour in a nanosecond.

Gasp! Enlighten us, Chosen One.

Brace yourselves. These…creatures engage in a host of rituals that range from the simply bizarre, to the egregiously vile. For example, a vast majority of them hunt on a regular basis.

You mean they hunt for multiply-gonaded sex partners with whom to engage in such universally-practiced acts as the Bay Area Blackout, the Chomsky Chiller or, my personal favorite, the Modesto Manhole Cover ?

I’m afraid not.

Perhaps they hunt pre-aborted fetuses from the host female’s containment area?

No, they actually hunt our four-legged Earth cohabitants, which they call “animals.” And in real life, not video games (like this one and this one). Deer primarily, but none of Gaia’s creatures are safe.

Nooooooooooo!

I’m sorry brother Furry, but yes.

Sister.

Really?

Care to see my breeding apparatus?

Not necessary, costumed-one.

Costume?

Allow me to continue. Apart from slaughtering and eating defenseless animals, they also claim that they use their weapons for protection from, among other things, burglars.

Burglars?

Undocumented nocturnal visitors.

Ahhhh.

What else, Enlightened Leader?

Bowling. This is when they roll a large black orb down what appears to be an old runway from an exotic dancing club, with the aim of knocking over ten large, white pins.

How senselessly violent. Still, I love the racially egalitarian nature of this ritual.

I concur. Better still, they clearly have no cognizance of the symbolism inherent in this game. It is refreshing to see racial justice meted out by unwitting heathens.

Here, here. We beg of you, regale us with more!

If I must. I found their drinking habits too, to be beneath contempt. They only drink beer, but I could not find a single imported wheat ale no matter how hard I looked.

Arrrgh!

Oh, yes. And the topper is when they drink this low-grade swill, not out of a glass mind you, their pinkies never leave the side of the can!

How uncouth! How un-European! Blasphemy!

All of the above. But it gets even more distressing. They hold some of the most radical views on underdocumented Americans that I have ever witnessed. They want to prevent their fellow North Americans from obtaining drivers licenses, silence their voice through the denial of voting rights, and perhaps most disturbingly, they are firmly against the “Eleven Strikes And You’re Out” policy I’ve proposed to protect the underdocumented who have been viciously entrapped by law enforcement and charged with laughable felonies.

Un-progressive! Un-progressive! Un-progressive!

Preach on, my friends. So I present to you that these, and a host of other similarly atrocious customs, contribute to the overall feeling of bitterness among these unfortunate souls. But we can effect change here. There is hope, rather audacious hope, but hope nonetheless.

What would you have us do? Arm them with protest signs and show them the calm enlightenment that comes with endlessly protesting this country’s fascist military recruitment centers?

Possibly.

Compel them to see the truth through the powers of my magic lasso?

Now you’re thinking.

Use my influence in Hollywood to create films devoid of the blubberingly naive pro-American sentiment that’s been prevalent in Tinseltown the last few decades?

Yes! Yes!

Did you bring us anything from the back country?

Of course, my children.

Oooooh! I hope it’s the new k.d. lang CD!

No, even better, if you can imagine that. I’ve brought back live specimens.

Hooray! A carnival of freaks!

Here is the first, riflus assaulticus, from the phylum clinginus excessivum.

Crowd: ooooooh.

Can we approach the cage?

Sure– OH MY GOD WAIT I FORGOT TO LOCK IT!

AHHHHHH!!!!! HELP, POLICE!!!!

Just kidding. Hey, who called for the police?

Not me.

Me neither.

I think Mayor Newsome has some splainin’ to do.

Uh, sorry. It just… slipped out. Hunters…frighten me.

We’ll let it slide. OK, onto exhibit 2, simpletum inbreedicus, a species I saw quite a bit in the aforementioned bowling alleys.

Crowd: Ahhhhh!

And finally, a heart-breaking creature, sodomus maximum.

No one sodomized me, dill-weed.

ARRRRGH! IT SPEAKS!

I should have warned you. And this specimen is clearly suffering from a repressed memory disorder, no doubt a coping mechanism after years of relentless abuse at the hands of so-called men of God. We didn’t get to him in time.

Hey, look, it’s the fat guy from All In The Family.

No, I’m the critically-acclaimed director, Robert Reiner.

Whatever, Meathead.

I must be going, my friends. Thank you for your rapt attention. I hope you now understand just how much small-town America requires our guidance and influence. It is no small task.

We are up to the task, Open-Minded one.

In maple leaf land roams a man most unique

So sit back and relax, for your interest he’ll pique.

He goes by the handle Richard Warman, Esquire

But others might call him a professional crier.

Yes, Richard has endured greetings far less than warm,

Why? Many say it is simply poor form.

Or maybe it’s just that he’s misunderstood,

For in his heart Richard only strives to do good.

I am quite perplexed by these terrible letters,

From those not accepting their Islamic betters.

Are burkas so bad? Must women learn?

Why make flags flammable if they weren’t meant to burn?

“Free speech” is always their rallying cry,

But please, is it “free” if your words make me cry?

For that is the crux of the matter you see,

Richard has a soul far more gentle than thee.

He holds housefly funerals, gets choked up by rain!

Far more than Bill Clinton, he does feel your pain.

He hugs the crushed chips in the big bag of Lays,

When he heard Waldo was lost, he sobbed nine long days!

And if there comes a time that you must controvert him,

Please use sticks or stones, ‘cuz words surely will hurt him.

More likely to sip a cosmo than a lager,

What really gets him verklempt are those neo-con bloggers.

Oh the words that they use oh those words, words, words, words!

Each one that they write gives me fits, flots, and flurds!

Don’t they realize just what their scary ideas might do

If there were no Richard Warman protecting you?

That Ezra Levant published Mohammed cartoonies,

Free Dominion is chock full o’ right wingy loonies!

Kate McMillan’s mean prose always gives me a frown,

And Kathy Shaidle maintains that I pee sitting down!

Did you know Jonathan Kay of the National Post

Is Hitler’s first cousin, far more vicious than most?

With his pluck and his grit, Richard takes on these cads

Else their cruel words leave hapless folks feeling quite bad.

At the top of the heap is that villain Mark Steyn,

Who I’ve chosen to let slide just this one time.

That Steyn is a scoundrel, he fills me with dread,

But damned if I can get that man out of my head!

That distinguished beard, oh-so-perfectly groomed

The accent that’s made many mere mortals swoon.

South African? British? I can’t quite detect,

But when he speaks, ‘neath my belt the blood all defects.

That hiney, those pecs, fairly make me scream out,

“Hey there big guy, you been working out?”

But alas, as you see, I’ve begun to digress

(As often happens to me from his pure Steyninesss).

Though briefly distracted from his most noble of causes,

Richard Warman, Esquire takes the shortest of pauses.

Then quickly returns to the business he should,

Filtering mean speech for the far greater good.

Tis a burden quite great, to you I confess,

Having always to judge for my country what’s best.

If I let my guard down for even a sec,

Why your minds would be filled with the most vile dreck!

What, you might ask, drives this warrior on?

What makes him right wrongs from late dusk until dawn?

Some say as a child he received one wedgie too many

From Dalton, Ned, Zeke, and that one-legged dwarf Benny.

He limped home that night, quite embarrassed and swollen,

And commenced extracting his briefs from his colon.

And when he was calm, and his insides undressed,

He looked in the mirror and whispered one word: “unless.”

Unless I fight back, unless they all pay,

Other kids might get super-wedgies today!

Or-even worse- someone might speak to them curtly,

And leave them with feelings all injured and hurtly.

Or, horror of horrors, disagree with their themes,

Rendering their lives battles ‘gainst low self-esteem.

So pay they all must, for I will make a stand

How much? I’d say roughly ’bout fifty grand.

PLEASE SUPPORT OUR CANADIAN FRIENDS

Per Potfry’s previous post, “Word today from Kathy Shaidle that a new lawsuit has been filed by Canadian schoolgirl Richard Warman (picture below) against a group of conservative bloggers including Kathy’s Five Feet Of Fury blog, Ezra Levant, Mark Steyn, Small Dead Animals, Free Dominion, and Jonathan Kay of The National Post..”

As Potfry noted here: “Warman alleges that the group conspired to steal his fanny-pack, pull his pigtails, and create a mildly disturbing atmosphere that forced him to go potty more frequently than normal.”

We’ve dug around and discovered a bit more about this mysterious human rights crusader.

9. Has never been able to recapture the glory he achieved after he defeated Bobby Riggs in the famous “Battle of the Sexes.”

8. Once played lead air guitar in a Milli Vanilli tribute band.

7. Only needs to file 137 more lawsuits to finally gain complete and utter revenge on the ruffians who used to steal his lunch money in grade school.

6. Performed an interpretive dance entitled, “The Genius of Alan Alda” for his high school talent show.

5. Coined the phrase, “You can’t spell ‘team’ without ‘m-e’.”

4. Is perpelexed that his former employer refuses to change their name to the Human Lefts Commission.

3. Is so sensitive that after watching prescription drug commercials on television, frequently comes down with at least two of the major side effects.

2. Would never admit it, but secretly wears Mark Steyn footie-pajamas.

1. Feels very inadequate because…because…well, let’s just say that if he had a blog it would be named “3 Inches of Fury.”

9. Couldn’t find his white head scarf, and wasn’t about to commit fashion suicide by wearing black after Eid ul-Adha.

8. It was all a big misunderstanding. People thought he called for a “massive demonstration of force, using extreme violence if necessary, to protest the continuing American occupation force in Iraq.” What he really said was that he wanted to “get a few guys together at his place to hold a candlelight vigil for Brittney and pray that she has a successful stint in rehab.”

7. The lead actor became ill, so he had to fulfill his obligations as understudy for the role of Bluto in “Animal House: The Musical.”

6. Realized that it was “dimey’s” night at “Muhammad’s Not Here” tavern.

5. Had a severe flare-up of the gout after a practical joker replaced the coffee he normally drinks with goat urine.

4. Scheduling kerfuffle. Realized too late that he was set to speak at The Daily Kos’ “Let’s Show Our Support For The U.S. Troops” rally.

3. Didn’t know that Al Sharpton was planning on smearing a black, quadriplegic leper with feces that same day, and wasn’t about to compete for media coverage with that.

2. That New York Times editorial gig finally came through.

1. Timing of the march coincided with the E! True Hollywood Story on David Hasselhoff.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy:I am a young Muslim woman living in Pakistan, and I desperately need your advice. My father recently gave me to one of his friends as a bride. I was not thrilled with the choice, but being a devout follower of Allah and the Qu’ran, I have decided to make the best of it. I find that if I breathe evenly through my mouth (depending on where he is in his shower cycle, it can get rather odorous) and concentrate on a spot on the ceiling, it’s usually over pretty quickly, praise be to Allah.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is concerning the beatings. While I understand this is his way of showing his love for me, I find it difficult to tend to my wifely duties with broken fingers. Is there a way to bring up this subject without incurring his wrath?

Sincerely,

Cowering In Kandahar

Dear Cowering:

Please take the following steps.

1. Turn-off and unplug your computer.

2. Throw it over the edge of the nearest cliff.

3. Making sure to first cover yourself, go outside.

4. Find a round rock that fits comfortably in your palm. Nothing too smooth.

5. Say the following: “I am sorry, dear Allah, for using modern technology,” over and over again.

6. Bash the rock repeatedly into your skull until unconscious.

Thank you,
Islamic Rage Boy

P.S. If by chance you survive the encounter, do not even consider the possibly of having your laptop repaired. We will be monitoring you a bit more closely from now on.