New polling data reveals that Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s “luck quotient”, or “LQ”, has skyrocketed of late, and that he now only lags behind Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner (Go ahead. Subscribe here. You know you want to.) as the most fortunate senior citizen alive today. The study, conducted by the AARP, was released earlier this week.

“When we luck at a person’s LQ we take many things into consideration,” said Jack Murphy, the designer of the study. “Obviously we look at the number of good things that has happened to the individual. We also look closely at the quality of the good fortune in each instance. When we totaled all of these factors up, Senator McCain was found to have an LQ of 198. To put that into perspective, Hugh Hefner has an LQ of 227, while Arthur Sanderson, an octogenarian with dementia from Burlington, Vermont who became lost in the woods and was eaten by feral cats, had an LQ of 3.”

McCain’s string of good fortune was not lost on one veteran senior watcher.

“This guy must have shamrocks for nipples and a horseshoe for a spleen,” said firebrand senior citizen pundit Buford ‘I Remember When Gas was 1/10 Cent Per Gallon’ Jackson. “First he rises from the dead and despite looking like Gollum with advanced leprosy manages to somehow slip through the Republican nomination process. Then he gets to watch Obama and Clinton whack the hell out of each other for the better part of the past year while he sits back, sips tea and bones up on ‘Conservatism For Dummies’. I’m not a betting man, but if I were I’d say that Senator McRabbit-Foot there might want to schedule in ‘Bingo Night’ at his church before his luck changes.”

After bursting onto the Republican presidential scene with much fanfare last year, Fred Thompson’s star slowly, methodically, and inexplicably burned out. Some say his heart just was not in the race. Others opined that he was ill-prepared for the fast-paced world of presidential primaries. Still others maintained that Thompson’s age was the biggest contributing factor to his lack of enthusiasm, and eventual poor showing. However, Thompson (the star of such smash films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Hunt for Red October) himself paints a very different picture for the reasons behind his unsuccessful bid for the presidency.

“Look, I’ve never been one to beat around the bush, so I’ll be very blunt about my campaign,” said the former Law & Order star. “I tanked it. I was just dialing it in. Self-sabotage. The fix was in. Why? I’ll tell you why. Jimmy Carter hasn’t been looking well lately. The eyes are droopier than usual. His shoulders are just a bit more hunched than in years past.

“He’s got the scent of death all over him. In fact, the Vegas line on him dropping dead within the next four years is 2:1. Now math was never my strong suit, but I reckon this all means that the next President is likely to get the oh-so-special treat of eulogizing Jimmy Carter. And truth be told, folks, I’d rather inherit a depression than have to speak kindly about the peanut-farming, terrorist-loving merchant of malaise.

“I mean, how would that have gone? ‘What more can I say about this man that the Iranian mullahs, Hamas, and the U.N. has not already said?’ Or, maybe, ‘Jimmy Carter. No other president had anywhere near the number of passport stamps from the Middle East as this man.’ Better yet, ‘Boy, he sure could build the Hell out of some low-income housing, huh?’ Thanks, but no.”

In his own inimitable manner, Thompson went on to assess his chances had Carter been in better health.

“Could I have won the presidency? Does a jackrabbit bask in the moonglow when the crow flies at half mast through the briar patch?”

In maple leaf land roams a man most unique

So sit back and relax, for your interest he’ll pique.

He goes by the handle Richard Warman, Esquire

But others might call him a professional crier.

Yes, Richard has endured greetings far less than warm,

Why? Many say it is simply poor form.

Or maybe it’s just that he’s misunderstood,

For in his heart Richard only strives to do good.

I am quite perplexed by these terrible letters,

From those not accepting their Islamic betters.

Are burkas so bad? Must women learn?

Why make flags flammable if they weren’t meant to burn?

“Free speech” is always their rallying cry,

But please, is it “free” if your words make me cry?

For that is the crux of the matter you see,

Richard has a soul far more gentle than thee.

He holds housefly funerals, gets choked up by rain!

Far more than Bill Clinton, he does feel your pain.

He hugs the crushed chips in the big bag of Lays,

When he heard Waldo was lost, he sobbed nine long days!

And if there comes a time that you must controvert him,

Please use sticks or stones, ‘cuz words surely will hurt him.

More likely to sip a cosmo than a lager,

What really gets him verklempt are those neo-con bloggers.

Oh the words that they use oh those words, words, words, words!

Each one that they write gives me fits, flots, and flurds!

Don’t they realize just what their scary ideas might do

If there were no Richard Warman protecting you?

That Ezra Levant published Mohammed cartoonies,

Free Dominion is chock full o’ right wingy loonies!

Kate McMillan’s mean prose always gives me a frown,

And Kathy Shaidle maintains that I pee sitting down!

Did you know Jonathan Kay of the National Post

Is Hitler’s first cousin, far more vicious than most?

With his pluck and his grit, Richard takes on these cads

Else their cruel words leave hapless folks feeling quite bad.

At the top of the heap is that villain Mark Steyn,

Who I’ve chosen to let slide just this one time.

That Steyn is a scoundrel, he fills me with dread,

But damned if I can get that man out of my head!

That distinguished beard, oh-so-perfectly groomed

The accent that’s made many mere mortals swoon.

South African? British? I can’t quite detect,

But when he speaks, ‘neath my belt the blood all defects.

That hiney, those pecs, fairly make me scream out,

“Hey there big guy, you been working out?”

But alas, as you see, I’ve begun to digress

(As often happens to me from his pure Steyninesss).

Though briefly distracted from his most noble of causes,

Richard Warman, Esquire takes the shortest of pauses.

Then quickly returns to the business he should,

Filtering mean speech for the far greater good.

Tis a burden quite great, to you I confess,

Having always to judge for my country what’s best.

If I let my guard down for even a sec,

Why your minds would be filled with the most vile dreck!

What, you might ask, drives this warrior on?

What makes him right wrongs from late dusk until dawn?

Some say as a child he received one wedgie too many

From Dalton, Ned, Zeke, and that one-legged dwarf Benny.

He limped home that night, quite embarrassed and swollen,

And commenced extracting his briefs from his colon.

And when he was calm, and his insides undressed,

He looked in the mirror and whispered one word: “unless.”

Unless I fight back, unless they all pay,

Other kids might get super-wedgies today!

Or-even worse- someone might speak to them curtly,

And leave them with feelings all injured and hurtly.

Or, horror of horrors, disagree with their themes,

Rendering their lives battles ‘gainst low self-esteem.

So pay they all must, for I will make a stand

How much? I’d say roughly ’bout fifty grand.

PLEASE SUPPORT OUR CANADIAN FRIENDS

Per Potfry’s previous post, “Word today from Kathy Shaidle that a new lawsuit has been filed by Canadian schoolgirl Richard Warman (picture below) against a group of conservative bloggers including Kathy’s Five Feet Of Fury blog, Ezra Levant, Mark Steyn, Small Dead Animals, Free Dominion, and Jonathan Kay of The National Post..”

As Potfry noted here: “Warman alleges that the group conspired to steal his fanny-pack, pull his pigtails, and create a mildly disturbing atmosphere that forced him to go potty more frequently than normal.”

We’ve dug around and discovered a bit more about this mysterious human rights crusader.

9. Has never been able to recapture the glory he achieved after he defeated Bobby Riggs in the famous “Battle of the Sexes.”

8. Once played lead air guitar in a Milli Vanilli tribute band.

7. Only needs to file 137 more lawsuits to finally gain complete and utter revenge on the ruffians who used to steal his lunch money in grade school.

6. Performed an interpretive dance entitled, “The Genius of Alan Alda” for his high school talent show.

5. Coined the phrase, “You can’t spell ‘team’ without ‘m-e’.”

4. Is perpelexed that his former employer refuses to change their name to the Human Lefts Commission.

3. Is so sensitive that after watching prescription drug commercials on television, frequently comes down with at least two of the major side effects.

2. Would never admit it, but secretly wears Mark Steyn footie-pajamas.

1. Feels very inadequate because…because…well, let’s just say that if he had a blog it would be named “3 Inches of Fury.”

9. Couldn’t find his white head scarf, and wasn’t about to commit fashion suicide by wearing black after Eid ul-Adha.

8. It was all a big misunderstanding. People thought he called for a “massive demonstration of force, using extreme violence if necessary, to protest the continuing American occupation force in Iraq.” What he really said was that he wanted to “get a few guys together at his place to hold a candlelight vigil for Brittney and pray that she has a successful stint in rehab.”

7. The lead actor became ill, so he had to fulfill his obligations as understudy for the role of Bluto in “Animal House: The Musical.”

6. Realized that it was “dimey’s” night at “Muhammad’s Not Here” tavern.

5. Had a severe flare-up of the gout after a practical joker replaced the coffee he normally drinks with goat urine.

4. Scheduling kerfuffle. Realized too late that he was set to speak at The Daily Kos’ “Let’s Show Our Support For The U.S. Troops” rally.

3. Didn’t know that Al Sharpton was planning on smearing a black, quadriplegic leper with feces that same day, and wasn’t about to compete for media coverage with that.

2. That New York Times editorial gig finally came through.

1. Timing of the march coincided with the E! True Hollywood Story on David Hasselhoff.

Good day everyone. Today I will be speaking with Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton about her recent difficulties with “misspeaking” as she relayed details of a trip to Bosnia in 1996. Welcome Senator Clinton.

Hi Brit, it’s great to be here today. I’ll be glad to finally clear the air over this very unfortunate incident.

Now Senator Clinton, you claim that you simply misspoke when you said that you came under sniper fire during the trip. Yet, you provided vivid details of the incident and even described, quite convincingly might I add, how you had to duck for cover. Isn’t this more than simply misspeaking?

Is it Brit? Are we going to parse words here today? Is that what this is about? Because if that’s the case, I have a few examples of times you yourself have misspoke. January 23rd, 2005, during a segment on global warming, you pronounced “arctic” as “ar-tic.” On national television. Twice. So which was it? Were you lying or misspeaking? You can’t have it both ways.

Senator Clinton, that is hardly the same…

March 9th, 2006, during an interview with John McCain you pronounced his last name “Mah-cane” instead of the more widely accepted, and might I add proper, “Mick-cane.” What do you have to say about that?

I think we’re getting off track here, Sen-

Not much fun to be put under the microscope is it?

Senator, I hardly think swallowing the first “c” in arctic and your fanciful creation of a riveting drama involving snipers on a dangerous Balkan runway fall into the same category.

Tom-a-to, tom-ah-to, Brit.

Okay, for the sake of argument, and my rapidly fading sanity, let’s say that the recollections of your trip to Tuzla simply involved “misspeaking.” What many people find disturbing is the fact that there seems to be a pattern of extreme exaggeration at best, and outright deceit at worst with regards to your handling of truth and facts. In fact, let’s take a look at a photograph from your website under the section,”Hillary’s Heroic Deeds.”

Yes, that’s one of my favorites.

The caption reads, and I quote, “Showing a strong willingness to cross the aisle to help a fellow human being, Hillary Clinton fearlessly throws her body in the way of gunfire to protect former President Reagan. FBI experts agree that her actions likely saved the president’s life on that fateful day.” Do you honestly expect people to believe that you were present during the attempt on President Reagan’s life?

Pictures don’t lie Brit. And quite frankly, the memory is a dark one for me, so I’d prefer not to discuss it in any detail…

Of course you wouldn’t. Well then what about this next one?

Well that one certainly brings back memories! Good ol’ TR. I still remember storming the hill with him that day. Only at the time, it was known as “storming the mount.” Teddy changed it to “storming the hill” out of respect and admiration for my bravery during the battle.

You know, you don’t even bat an eyelash when you say these things.

Thank you. I’ve been told I have excellent control over my facial muscles.

Surely even you must admit that this next picture stretches the limits of credulity. Your website claims that you were a very influential senior aide to General Grant during the Civil War.

I am really glad you brought this up, Brit, because it will give me the opportunity to clear up two huge misconceptions. First, I clearly have a vast repository of military experience to draw on. And second, it proves that I was a huge Yankee supporter even before I began my Senate run in New York State a few years back.

Senator Clinton. Your presence in the Civil War would mean that you’re…what…165 years old?

I think you know better than to ask a woman her age, Brit.

Wow. Just, wow. You know, I’m going to take a little different approach for the remainder of our time, partially because I’ve lost the will to speak. I’m simply going to put up a photo and let you tell our viewers what it is we’re looking at.

You could have saved yourself a great deal of aggravation if you had simply employed that strategy from the get-go, Brit.

Someone just run the pictures, please. For the love of God.

D-Day. Ike thought my experience at San Juan Hill and Gettysburg would be valuable.

Ah, Saddam’s spider hole. Do you have the photo of the delousing I performed shortly afterwards?

The Miracle on Ice! Boy, we really shocked the Ruskies.

I see you lost a tooth.

Actually, goalie Jim Craig still has that tooth in a locket he wears around his neck.

Sweet mother of Jesus. Kill. Me. Now.

OK….here I am discovering fire. That’s Gorg in the background poking the fire, or as he called it, “ARRGGGHHH!”

Jimmy, can I get a double arsenic, neat?

Production Notes: During the filming of this video, the Potfry twins witnessed their father frantically trying to extinguish Raggedy Ann, likely providing ample fodder for their future therapist. Mrs. Potfry spent most of the proceedings taking notes and talking with her attorney. Contrary to the ravings of the on-set veterinarian, we remain hopeful Jake the Dog’s fur will grow back. Script, recording, and editing supervision by Buckley and Bruce Dickinson. Voice over by Dan Pardo. Poor final mix by Potfry.