Vanity Fair Contributing Editor Michael Wolff’s stunning announcement on CNBC yesterday that “the rise of conservatism….is coming to an end” sent shockwaves through the halls of Clear Channel Communications, who only a day before had announced the signing of conservative radio icon Rush Limbaugh to a record contract through the year 2016.

“It would have been nice if Mr. Wolff had shared this information with us a day or two earlier,” said one Clear Channel exec, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, we did our research on Rush. Highest rated radio show, best selling books, yadda yadda yadda. But when an experienced, reasoned voice like Mr. Wolff’s speaks out, you’ve got to listen. And apparently we just spent 400 large for a cigar-smoking “oddity” who’s going to be broadcasting to the sound of crickets for the next 8 years.”

According to reports, an eerie quiet had descended on Clear Channel’s offices, punctuated by occasional hitching sobs.

“We’re going to see what we can do about getting out of the contract,” continued the exec. “But I don’t think there’s much we can do. Maybe we can get Mr. Wolff in as a consultant to work with Rush on evolving his format a bit. We’ll have to see. But, if you talk to Mr. Wolff, can you do me a favor? Just tell him that human beings are involved here, and when he uses words like “monster mistake” and asks what we’re smoking, it just hurts. Alot.”

A Fourth Of July Greeting From Barack Obama 

The blogosphere is abuzz over the recently revealed Presidential Watch ‘08 Map, which shows the 297 most visible and influential blogs on both the left and right based on some sort of algorithmic formula that makes us bleed from the ears when we try to understand it.

However, one thing did become crystal clear to us as we looked at the map: TNOYF is perfectly positioned to execute the halfback option. To wit:

Malkin takes the snap from center (Pajamas Media) and hits TNOYF sweeping from left to right with a pitch.

Free Republic runs an out route to draw The Sierra Club out of coverage.

Powerline runs a post across the middle and lures Firedoglake up from their safety position.

Don Surber erupts downfield in a fly pattern.

TNOYF feigns the run, pulls up, and hits the streaking Surber with a pass.

Any questions?

After bursting onto the Republican presidential scene with much fanfare last year, Fred Thompson’s star slowly, methodically, and inexplicably burned out. Some say his heart just was not in the race. Others opined that he was ill-prepared for the fast-paced world of presidential primaries. Still others maintained that Thompson’s age was the biggest contributing factor to his lack of enthusiasm, and eventual poor showing. However, Thompson (the star of such smash films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Hunt for Red October) himself paints a very different picture for the reasons behind his unsuccessful bid for the presidency.

“Look, I’ve never been one to beat around the bush, so I’ll be very blunt about my campaign,” said the former Law & Order star. “I tanked it. I was just dialing it in. Self-sabotage. The fix was in. Why? I’ll tell you why. Jimmy Carter hasn’t been looking well lately. The eyes are droopier than usual. His shoulders are just a bit more hunched than in years past.

“He’s got the scent of death all over him. In fact, the Vegas line on him dropping dead within the next four years is 2:1. Now math was never my strong suit, but I reckon this all means that the next President is likely to get the oh-so-special treat of eulogizing Jimmy Carter. And truth be told, folks, I’d rather inherit a depression than have to speak kindly about the peanut-farming, terrorist-loving merchant of malaise.

“I mean, how would that have gone? ‘What more can I say about this man that the Iranian mullahs, Hamas, and the U.N. has not already said?’ Or, maybe, ‘Jimmy Carter. No other president had anywhere near the number of passport stamps from the Middle East as this man.’ Better yet, ‘Boy, he sure could build the Hell out of some low-income housing, huh?’ Thanks, but no.”

In his own inimitable manner, Thompson went on to assess his chances had Carter been in better health.

“Could I have won the presidency? Does a jackrabbit bask in the moonglow when the crow flies at half mast through the briar patch?”

Fresh off his Mission of Peace in the Middle East, former President Jimmy Carter recounts his trip with Keith Olbermann.

Welcome to Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Good evening. It is not everyday that you have the opportunity to interview a living legend. A pioneer. A man who has done more good for the world than all of the knuckle-draggers who have ever lived in the state of Texas combined. That man is former President Jimmy Carter. Welcome President Carter.

It’s great to be here Keith. And may I say, I really admired your work on SportsCenter.

You are far too kind, sir. President Carter, you recently returned from a groundbreaking tour of the Middle East where you met with some moderate Arab groups including the leadership of Hamas. Many dignitaries, including former Republican presidents, have made similar outreach efforts. Why then do you think that those on the right have been so quick to criticize your peace efforts?

I have to say that I was a bit surprised by that myself. I mean, I am a man of peace. I am also a man of dialogue and logic. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Have a dialogue with other interested parties about peace. See how I tied the three together there?

Masterfully done, sir. So when you looked in the Hamas leader’s culturally equal eyes, what did you see staring back at you?

I saw a man. Just a man. Like you or like me. Granted, he is a man that has a very different view on how the world should be. But who am I–who is anyone–to say that our perspective is more valid than his?

Damn it, yes! That’s exactly right! Who are we to judge others? Did you hear that, George Bush? President Carter, I implore you, don’t waste your time worrying about the fascist, neo-con naysayers who have tried to play down the significance of your efforts. Remember, Neville Chamberlain was not appreciated in his time either.

That’s right Keith. Prime Minister Chamberlain’s pivotal role in history has often been misunderstood and, dare I say, distorted. Upon his return from his meeting with Hitler, many saw his declaration of “peace in our time” as sign that he had been duped by the German leader. He met with Hitler twice in 1938. World War II ended in 1945. I am no mathematician, Keith, but it seems to me that he kept his promise. We did have peace in his time.

Yes!!! You see, that’s what makes you in my book, the greatest president this country has ever seen. Your ability to see things that no one else can see. To cut through all of the political posturing and pseudo-humanitarian whimpering about “all of the Jews that died at the hands of Hitler” blah, blah, blah.

Well, when you make an omelet…

Precisely! Now, Mr. President, there are those on the right who will point to the Hamas charter and say that some of its language categorically excludes Hamas from involvement in any peace negotiations. I’m speaking specifically of the language that expresses Hamas’ frustration with Israel’s repressive policies.

You mean the line, “Israel will exist and continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.”

Exactly. Clearly the cry of a peace-loving tolerant people under the yolk of of repressive tyranny. But Israel and the Bush Administration take it out of context by focusing on one word…

Yes, “obliterate” seems to be a bit polarizing for Israelis. But I’m thrilled to report that I had extensive discussions with Hamas about potential revisions to their charter, and they are willing to consider some alternative words to address these unfounded, silly fears.

I can’t say I’m surprised. Yet another Hamas olive branch. What words are being considered?

“Annihilate” and “decimate.”

I like them both. They clearly soften without changing intent.

I suggested “irradiate” and we all had a good laugh.

I’m sure you did. Well, Mr. President, that’s about all we have time for. I understand you’re off on another peace-keeping mission?

That’s right Keith. I’m heading on over to Africa to stay for a few weeks with the duly elected president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe. Except I call him Mugsy–it’s an inside joke. We laugh about that all the time.

It’s really a crime the way they are trying to steal the election from him. Anyone else smell a connection with Florida in 2000?

Aww, stop it Keith! You’re cracking me up here!

Always a pleasure Mr. President. Do me a favor? Build an extra nice house for Mugsy while you’re there. It seems like he could use the support.

Alright, will do Keith. Take care.

Traveling in Pennsylvania today, Republican presidential candidate John McCain told a small town gathering that liberals gravitate to certain causes out of bitterness fomented by their failure to succeed despite impressive SAT scores, domination of the world of academia, and intellectually incurious opponents.

“You go into these big cities in California, and, like a lot of big cities along both coasts of this great nation, you’ve got a multitude of Starbucks baristas with Ph.D’s in philosophy who can’t understand why the world doesn’t conform to their utopian vision,” said McCain. “So it’s not surprising that at a time when their country is the world’s sole superpower, using its military to fight a just war against Islamic terrorism, and its citizenry is renewing their faith in Christianity, they get bitter and cling to hopeless causes like partial-birth abortion, multi-culturalism, and the rehabilitation of serial killers.”

McCain campaign chairman Phil Gramm tried to head-off controversy as the senator’s comments made the rounds.

“Some will say that John McCain is stereotyping liberals,” said Gramm. “Still others will suggest that he’s out of touch with big-city values. So let me be clear: neither of these accusations approach the true depth of Senator McCain’s disdain for self-loathing leftist whiners who apparently spent a tad too long suckling at the grimy teat of their bohemian, unemployed mom.”

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama was quick to respond.

“This is yet another example of how low Republicans are willing to stoop in order to get elected. I was particularly offended at Senator McCain’s insistence on quoting actual statements from Democrats to support his allegation, thus making it nearly impossible for me to redirect the debate to the vagaries of hope. I expected more from a man his age.”

There has been a great deal of confusion, outrage, and discussion over Senator Barack Obama’s statements during a speech in San Francisco this past week. Rather than present some finely-crafted opinion to you, we instead offer this actual transcript of the exchange.

Greetings, San Francisco comrades. I can’t tell you how great it is to be back among my people after my recent travels.

Welcome, Dear Leader. We are anxious to hear about your expedition to the hinterland.

I’m sure you are. And I am anxious to unburden myself. I saw… things. Unspeakable things.

Yes. We have heard from the Goracle that “the part of the country that must not be named” is populated by climatically-challenged freaks, mutants having only one set of sexual organs, and the intellectually incurious. Is it so?

If it were only that simple, my friends. No, what I saw would turn your double latte frappuccino sour in a nanosecond.

Gasp! Enlighten us, Chosen One.

Brace yourselves. These…creatures engage in a host of rituals that range from the simply bizarre, to the egregiously vile. For example, a vast majority of them hunt on a regular basis.

You mean they hunt for multiply-gonaded sex partners with whom to engage in such universally-practiced acts as the Bay Area Blackout, the Chomsky Chiller or, my personal favorite, the Modesto Manhole Cover ?

I’m afraid not.

Perhaps they hunt pre-aborted fetuses from the host female’s containment area?

No, they actually hunt our four-legged Earth cohabitants, which they call “animals.” And in real life, not video games (like this one and this one). Deer primarily, but none of Gaia’s creatures are safe.

Nooooooooooo!

I’m sorry brother Furry, but yes.

Sister.

Really?

Care to see my breeding apparatus?

Not necessary, costumed-one.

Costume?

Allow me to continue. Apart from slaughtering and eating defenseless animals, they also claim that they use their weapons for protection from, among other things, burglars.

Burglars?

Undocumented nocturnal visitors.

Ahhhh.

What else, Enlightened Leader?

Bowling. This is when they roll a large black orb down what appears to be an old runway from an exotic dancing club, with the aim of knocking over ten large, white pins.

How senselessly violent. Still, I love the racially egalitarian nature of this ritual.

I concur. Better still, they clearly have no cognizance of the symbolism inherent in this game. It is refreshing to see racial justice meted out by unwitting heathens.

Here, here. We beg of you, regale us with more!

If I must. I found their drinking habits too, to be beneath contempt. They only drink beer, but I could not find a single imported wheat ale no matter how hard I looked.

Arrrgh!

Oh, yes. And the topper is when they drink this low-grade swill, not out of a glass mind you, their pinkies never leave the side of the can!

How uncouth! How un-European! Blasphemy!

All of the above. But it gets even more distressing. They hold some of the most radical views on underdocumented Americans that I have ever witnessed. They want to prevent their fellow North Americans from obtaining drivers licenses, silence their voice through the denial of voting rights, and perhaps most disturbingly, they are firmly against the “Eleven Strikes And You’re Out” policy I’ve proposed to protect the underdocumented who have been viciously entrapped by law enforcement and charged with laughable felonies.

Un-progressive! Un-progressive! Un-progressive!

Preach on, my friends. So I present to you that these, and a host of other similarly atrocious customs, contribute to the overall feeling of bitterness among these unfortunate souls. But we can effect change here. There is hope, rather audacious hope, but hope nonetheless.

What would you have us do? Arm them with protest signs and show them the calm enlightenment that comes with endlessly protesting this country’s fascist military recruitment centers?

Possibly.

Compel them to see the truth through the powers of my magic lasso?

Now you’re thinking.

Use my influence in Hollywood to create films devoid of the blubberingly naive pro-American sentiment that’s been prevalent in Tinseltown the last few decades?

Yes! Yes!

Did you bring us anything from the back country?

Of course, my children.

Oooooh! I hope it’s the new k.d. lang CD!

No, even better, if you can imagine that. I’ve brought back live specimens.

Hooray! A carnival of freaks!

Here is the first, riflus assaulticus, from the phylum clinginus excessivum.

Crowd: ooooooh.

Can we approach the cage?

Sure– OH MY GOD WAIT I FORGOT TO LOCK IT!

AHHHHHH!!!!! HELP, POLICE!!!!

Just kidding. Hey, who called for the police?

Not me.

Me neither.

I think Mayor Newsome has some splainin’ to do.

Uh, sorry. It just… slipped out. Hunters…frighten me.

We’ll let it slide. OK, onto exhibit 2, simpletum inbreedicus, a species I saw quite a bit in the aforementioned bowling alleys.

Crowd: Ahhhhh!

And finally, a heart-breaking creature, sodomus maximum.

No one sodomized me, dill-weed.

ARRRRGH! IT SPEAKS!

I should have warned you. And this specimen is clearly suffering from a repressed memory disorder, no doubt a coping mechanism after years of relentless abuse at the hands of so-called men of God. We didn’t get to him in time.

Hey, look, it’s the fat guy from All In The Family.

No, I’m the critically-acclaimed director, Robert Reiner.

Whatever, Meathead.

I must be going, my friends. Thank you for your rapt attention. I hope you now understand just how much small-town America requires our guidance and influence. It is no small task.

We are up to the task, Open-Minded one.

In maple leaf land roams a man most unique

So sit back and relax, for your interest he’ll pique.

He goes by the handle Richard Warman, Esquire

But others might call him a professional crier.

Yes, Richard has endured greetings far less than warm,

Why? Many say it is simply poor form.

Or maybe it’s just that he’s misunderstood,

For in his heart Richard only strives to do good.

I am quite perplexed by these terrible letters,

From those not accepting their Islamic betters.

Are burkas so bad? Must women learn?

Why make flags flammable if they weren’t meant to burn?

“Free speech” is always their rallying cry,

But please, is it “free” if your words make me cry?

For that is the crux of the matter you see,

Richard has a soul far more gentle than thee.

He holds housefly funerals, gets choked up by rain!

Far more than Bill Clinton, he does feel your pain.

He hugs the crushed chips in the big bag of Lays,

When he heard Waldo was lost, he sobbed nine long days!

And if there comes a time that you must controvert him,

Please use sticks or stones, ‘cuz words surely will hurt him.

More likely to sip a cosmo than a lager,

What really gets him verklempt are those neo-con bloggers.

Oh the words that they use oh those words, words, words, words!

Each one that they write gives me fits, flots, and flurds!

Don’t they realize just what their scary ideas might do

If there were no Richard Warman protecting you?

That Ezra Levant published Mohammed cartoonies,

Free Dominion is chock full o’ right wingy loonies!

Kate McMillan’s mean prose always gives me a frown,

And Kathy Shaidle maintains that I pee sitting down!

Did you know Jonathan Kay of the National Post

Is Hitler’s first cousin, far more vicious than most?

With his pluck and his grit, Richard takes on these cads

Else their cruel words leave hapless folks feeling quite bad.

At the top of the heap is that villain Mark Steyn,

Who I’ve chosen to let slide just this one time.

That Steyn is a scoundrel, he fills me with dread,

But damned if I can get that man out of my head!

That distinguished beard, oh-so-perfectly groomed

The accent that’s made many mere mortals swoon.

South African? British? I can’t quite detect,

But when he speaks, ‘neath my belt the blood all defects.

That hiney, those pecs, fairly make me scream out,

“Hey there big guy, you been working out?”

But alas, as you see, I’ve begun to digress

(As often happens to me from his pure Steyninesss).

Though briefly distracted from his most noble of causes,

Richard Warman, Esquire takes the shortest of pauses.

Then quickly returns to the business he should,

Filtering mean speech for the far greater good.

Tis a burden quite great, to you I confess,

Having always to judge for my country what’s best.

If I let my guard down for even a sec,

Why your minds would be filled with the most vile dreck!

What, you might ask, drives this warrior on?

What makes him right wrongs from late dusk until dawn?

Some say as a child he received one wedgie too many

From Dalton, Ned, Zeke, and that one-legged dwarf Benny.

He limped home that night, quite embarrassed and swollen,

And commenced extracting his briefs from his colon.

And when he was calm, and his insides undressed,

He looked in the mirror and whispered one word: “unless.”

Unless I fight back, unless they all pay,

Other kids might get super-wedgies today!

Or-even worse- someone might speak to them curtly,

And leave them with feelings all injured and hurtly.

Or, horror of horrors, disagree with their themes,

Rendering their lives battles ‘gainst low self-esteem.

So pay they all must, for I will make a stand

How much? I’d say roughly ’bout fifty grand.

PLEASE SUPPORT OUR CANADIAN FRIENDS

Per Potfry’s previous post, “Word today from Kathy Shaidle that a new lawsuit has been filed by Canadian schoolgirl Richard Warman (picture below) against a group of conservative bloggers including Kathy’s Five Feet Of Fury blog, Ezra Levant, Mark Steyn, Small Dead Animals, Free Dominion, and Jonathan Kay of The National Post..”

As Potfry noted here: “Warman alleges that the group conspired to steal his fanny-pack, pull his pigtails, and create a mildly disturbing atmosphere that forced him to go potty more frequently than normal.”

We’ve dug around and discovered a bit more about this mysterious human rights crusader.

9. Has never been able to recapture the glory he achieved after he defeated Bobby Riggs in the famous “Battle of the Sexes.”

8. Once played lead air guitar in a Milli Vanilli tribute band.

7. Only needs to file 137 more lawsuits to finally gain complete and utter revenge on the ruffians who used to steal his lunch money in grade school.

6. Performed an interpretive dance entitled, “The Genius of Alan Alda” for his high school talent show.

5. Coined the phrase, “You can’t spell ‘team’ without ‘m-e’.”

4. Is perpelexed that his former employer refuses to change their name to the Human Lefts Commission.

3. Is so sensitive that after watching prescription drug commercials on television, frequently comes down with at least two of the major side effects.

2. Would never admit it, but secretly wears Mark Steyn footie-pajamas.

1. Feels very inadequate because…because…well, let’s just say that if he had a blog it would be named “3 Inches of Fury.”

9. Couldn’t find his white head scarf, and wasn’t about to commit fashion suicide by wearing black after Eid ul-Adha.

8. It was all a big misunderstanding. People thought he called for a “massive demonstration of force, using extreme violence if necessary, to protest the continuing American occupation force in Iraq.” What he really said was that he wanted to “get a few guys together at his place to hold a candlelight vigil for Brittney and pray that she has a successful stint in rehab.”

7. The lead actor became ill, so he had to fulfill his obligations as understudy for the role of Bluto in “Animal House: The Musical.”

6. Realized that it was “dimey’s” night at “Muhammad’s Not Here” tavern.

5. Had a severe flare-up of the gout after a practical joker replaced the coffee he normally drinks with goat urine.

4. Scheduling kerfuffle. Realized too late that he was set to speak at The Daily Kos’ “Let’s Show Our Support For The U.S. Troops” rally.

3. Didn’t know that Al Sharpton was planning on smearing a black, quadriplegic leper with feces that same day, and wasn’t about to compete for media coverage with that.

2. That New York Times editorial gig finally came through.

1. Timing of the march coincided with the E! True Hollywood Story on David Hasselhoff.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy:I am a young Muslim woman living in Pakistan, and I desperately need your advice. My father recently gave me to one of his friends as a bride. I was not thrilled with the choice, but being a devout follower of Allah and the Qu’ran, I have decided to make the best of it. I find that if I breathe evenly through my mouth (depending on where he is in his shower cycle, it can get rather odorous) and concentrate on a spot on the ceiling, it’s usually over pretty quickly, praise be to Allah.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is concerning the beatings. While I understand this is his way of showing his love for me, I find it difficult to tend to my wifely duties with broken fingers. Is there a way to bring up this subject without incurring his wrath?

Sincerely,

Cowering In Kandahar

Dear Cowering:

Please take the following steps.

1. Turn-off and unplug your computer.

2. Throw it over the edge of the nearest cliff.

3. Making sure to first cover yourself, go outside.

4. Find a round rock that fits comfortably in your palm. Nothing too smooth.

5. Say the following: “I am sorry, dear Allah, for using modern technology,” over and over again.

6. Bash the rock repeatedly into your skull until unconscious.

Thank you,
Islamic Rage Boy

P.S. If by chance you survive the encounter, do not even consider the possibly of having your laptop repaired. We will be monitoring you a bit more closely from now on.