The news that Al Qaeda in Iraq has been soundly beaten and is on the verge of annihilation, was met with worries and a quick call to action on Capitol Hill today. In an attempt to salvage some semblance of victory for the embattled fighters, Congressional Democrats voted early Thursday to approve funding that would provide desperately needed supplies for the group.

“There is no question but that they are in a bad way,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “What began as a glorious campaign against the American occupiers, has taken a turn for the worse. These culturally equal individuals have been shot at, had missiles fired at them, and been made to miss at least one of their five daily prayers on several occasions. What’s more, our polling data shows that a full 100% of them are living below the poverty line! If it weren’t for that fact that many of them have dual citizenship between their home countries and Holland, they wouldn’t even be receiving welfare payments or free health care. But I have sponsored legislation that will go a long way towards turning the tide back in favor of these brave freedom fighters.”

Pelosi’s bill calls for two battalions of Code Pink protesters to be sent to Iraq immediately. They will be deployed at key positions to block advancing U.S. Marines.

“We were toying with the idea of using the Code Pinkers against the Iraqi forces as well, but it turns out that they are even less enlightened than our own barbaric military personnel,” Pelosi said. “During one of the ladies’ patented ‘Breasts Not Bombs‘ rallies in Fallujah recently, the Iraqi commander ordered them at gunpoint to put their shirts back on while his men screamed and covered their eyes. ”

These elite protest battalions will bring with them a host of sorely needed supplies including:

• clean placards, new magic markers, and sturdy wood slats for making state-of-the art anti-American-miliary signs
• teddy bears, dolls, and blood-splattered rubble for use in AP photographs depicting the barbarity of U.S. troops
• the direct number for the head of the ACLU
• several cases of Goat Fancy magazine

On this 4th of July, I urge my fellow Americans to exercise tolerance for those with different beliefs than their own. Remember that even though you might have the urge to get caught up in the dangerous flag-waving nationalism of the day, Europe is watching. At least try to make a good impression.

And so, in the spirit of this most important day in our history, I offer the following tips to the less polished of our citizens:

• If you insist on drinking low-grade domestic beer, pour it into a glass or at least a paper cup. Extend your pinkie when drinking the swill. These moves will not change the awful taste, but they will lend an air of sophistication.
• If you must wave a flag, ask yourself these questions: Does it really need to be an American flag? Am I doing my part to further the notions of diversity, tolerance, and inclusion by mindlessly swinging the American flag around? How might this make the hard-working, undocumented citizens who are all around me feel? Furthermore, what about using the flags of other, culturally-equal countries like Venezuela, Indonesia, or Chad–don’t they deserve representation?
• Are fireworks really the way to show the American spirit? How about circling up the family for a rousing go at a pinata?
• Hot dogs and apple pie? Can anyone say “cliche`?” At the Obama house, our wait staff puts out a diverse array of food–including quiche, hummus, and Chilean sea bass–that truly paints a gastronomic picture of what Independence Day means to the average American.

I know you will do your part to help to me unite this soon-to-be-great country of ours. Be on your best behavior.

This message has been brought to you by the Obama In ‘08 campaign.

In a move that is sure to revolutionize the way that incarcerated transgendered youths are treated nationwide, the New York State Juvenile Justice System has decided to make a large number of concessions to this much-maligned group.

Going forward, transgendered youths in New York’s juvenile detention system will be allowed to:

 “…select which gender-appropriate uniform they will wear, including underclothes, and to shower, shave, and groom in a way respectful of their gender considerations.”

Furthermore, they can:

“…now request to be called by names and pronouns appropriate to the gender they feel themselves to be, regardless of their physical anatomy.” 

At least one New York State official agrees with the decision.

“Quite frankly, I think that adolescent, transgendered inmates have had the deck stacked against them for too long,” said Lt. Jake Pylman, a spokesman for the Juvenile Justice system. “Having someone force you to wear a dress while holding a shank to your neck is really not the same as picking out just the right outfit for yourself.”

Even with all of these changes, transgendered inmates can still expect to have access to the full detention experience.

“While we are making some concessions to them, I want to be clear that these youths will not forfeit any of their other rights,” Pylman continued. “They will still be free to be raped, sodomized, and beaten senselessly–just like the rest of the inmates. There is no favoritism here. The only difference is, there will be a zero tolerance policy instituted to address any hurtful words used by the inmates during the rape, sodomy, and/or beating. Our less-enlightened prisoners are going to learn the hard way that words can hurt, and that there is a consequence for hurting people’s feelings.”

Hector Flores, a sixteen-year-old serial recidivist from the Bronx, feels that the changes will take some getting used to.

“Will it be tough? Hell yeah. I’m not the kind of guy who’s used to choosing his words carefully. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I will be able to use the gender-appropriate pronoun while I’m beating a he-she with a sock-full of nickels. But I’ll give it my best shot. Everyone deserves respect.”

Lingerie rights advocacy group PETU (Pretties for the Ethical Treatment of Underwear) has filed a countersuit in Los Angeles County Court against Macrida Patterson. When Patterson recently attempted to stuff her fifty-two year-old frame into the unsuspecting undergarment, a decorative metallic piece gave way, flew off, and hit her in the eye. She proceeded to sue Victoria’s Secret, the manufacturer of the thong.

“It really hurt,” said Patterson. “The last time I was in so much pain was on my fiftieth birthday when I went to get a tattoo on my stomach that read ‘Hottie Alert’. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that a c-section scar isn’t sensitive. I’m wincing just thinking about it.”   

At least one person was unmoved by Patterson’s injuries.

“This has gone far enough,” said PETU spokesmodel Sydney LeBeaux. “I am all for a woman wanting to look and feel sexy, but not after like age twenty-eight and certainly not at the expense of an innocent pair of panties. I don’t blame that thong for getting aggressive. If I was about to be jammed headfirst between two wrinkly old stink-pillows, I’d fight back with everything I had too.”

PETU supporters gathered outside the courthouse to show their solidarity with the mangled underwear, many of them wielding signs that read, “Stuff envelopes, not panties” and “If the thong don’t fit, you must not wear it.”  

As experts continue to scratch their heads over Big Brown’s epic meltdown at the Belmont Stakes, where as the odds-on favorite he finished dead last, questions immediately turned to the health of the previously undefeated racehorse.

“It turns out that he’s absolutely fine–no injuries, no illness, he just had a really bad day,” said Michael Iavarone, a co-president of International Equine Acquisitions Holdings, which owns a part of Big Brown. “That being said, we’ve decided to put him down anyway.”

Iavarone went on to explain IEAH’s decison.

“Look, I know this is a non-traditional move, and I just want to be clear that this is not in any way retaliation for Big Brown’s poor performance at Belmont,” said Iavarone. “In fact, we all really like that horse. However, the fact of the matter is that we enjoy watching PETA lose their collective mind far more. The ranting and raving. The freak-laden rallies. The commercials. Wrapping themselves in cellophane. If we play this right, we might even get a full-frontal of Alicia Silverstone. Hell, even Big Brown is willing to take one for the team to see that! Our board members were all in agreement here. Even though we’ve got millions invested in him, this is so not about the money. So good-bye Belmont Stakes, hello Elmer’s Glue!”

Several high ranking PETA officials were unavailable for comment, but their parents did promise to have them return calls when they arrive home from the coffee shop.

In what many are calling a concerted effort to purge his proverbial closet of all potentially harmful skeletons, presumed Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has severed all ties with his radical letter carrier, Chuck Patterson.

This move comes on the heels of Obama’s decision to leave the controversial Trinity United Church of Chicago after he spent much time defending former pastors Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Rev. Michael Pfleger.

“Well, well, well…what a coincidence that Senator Obama received his mail from a man who, by all accounts, used his federal postal route to deliver a virulent brand of radicalism,” said Republican spokesman Darren Scoresby. “Chuck Patterson is not only a racist, American-hating extremist, from what I have heard, he is also a sub-par mailman who can’t tell bulk mail from a she-male.”

Some of Patterson’s more controversial actions include:

• Referring to plain white business envelopes as “third-class cracker wrappers”, when delivering mail to caucasian households.
• Walking his route with his pit bull “Mail Dawg” wearing nothing but a Kanye West half-shirt and a pair of Crocs instead of his government-issued uniform.
• Circulating to fellow postal workers a revised version of the postal creed (”Neither rain nor snow…”) that read, “If it’s raining, snowing or even just a bit overcast, this courier is keeping his black ass in his climate-controlled mail jeep, thank you very much.”
• Beating an old woman’s barking toy poodle to death with the Neiman Marcus fall catalog.

Obama distanced himself from Patterson’s actions, but was quick to note “I can no more denounce my letter carrier than I can my gardener, my waitstaff, or my chauffer.” An Obama official went on to say that the senator only occasionally receives mail at home.

“This is just getting plain old silly now,” said Obama campaign spokesman Walter Simms. “Senator Obama has had his name taken off of all of the junk mailing lists, and he has a PO Box that he uses frequently; that means that weeks or months may go by where his letter carrier does not even come to the house. All of this posturing is a desperate move by the Clinton campaign to keep a primary going that by all rights was over a long time ago.”

Obama’s Democratic primary opponent Hillary Clinton was quick to seize on the controversy as yet another valid reason for her to stay in the race noting that “postal carriers have been known to snap and shoot people they feel have wronged them.”

During the 2008 presidential campaign Barack Obama’s church, Trinity United Church of Christ, has come to the forefront on several occasions for the radical, highly politicized manner in which its pastors conduct themselves.

We here at TNOYF did some digging around and discovered that although this church does indeed follow Christian teachings in a very loose sense, they have been operating from a slightly modified version of the Ten Commandments. The use of these commandments as guiding principles, was tied in to several large earmarks that Obama secured for the church during his tenure in the senate.  

They are:

1. I am Barack, your future president. You shall have no other candidates before me. Especially that entitled, uppity white bitch who thinks that, when it comes to presidential politics, having girl parts trumps dark skin.

2. You shall not make for yourself an idol unless, you know, it is an idol of me. Or me and Che. Just make sure we both have berets on. The beret is the most underrated hat going. Oh, and slap a mustache on me when you make that idol. Damned if I can grow one myself.

3. You shall not ask me really hard questions. Those make my head hurt behind my eyebrows.

4. You shall not bring any video cameras, cell phones with video-making capacity, or tape recording devices of any sort into this house of worship during sermons. I’m on the home stretch here people. Think.

5. Honor your mother and father. Even if one of them is white. However, grandparents are fair game.

6. You shall not kill. However, it is okay to sit down with the leaders of rogue nations bent on destroying America, without preconditions, provided they are not as large as the former Soviet Union.

7. You shall not use oil. There is more than enough sunlight to power the new one-seat solar cars I will be mandating during my first term in office. Besides, is there really any reason that you are going to need to drive faster than five miles per hour anyway?

8. When in doubt, you shall act shocked to discover things that you clearly already know. This works surprisingly well.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Unless your neighbor is white. Or conservative. Or if you are running for elected office.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife; you shall not covet your neighbor’s flat screen tv; nor his pontoon boat; nor his new car; nor anything that is your neighbors. Under the new system of government I will be implementing, you won’t have any reason for coveting. We will all have the exact same stuff.

Not content to sit back and let his past accomplishments speak for themselves, former president Jimmy Carter recently broke with a long-standing tradition of keeping nuclear secrets secret. While speaking at a festival in Wales Carter noted that “Israel has about one hundred and fifty nuclear weapons in its arsenal,” in the process giving the Iranians a valuable bargaining chip with the international community.

In honor of the man many have called…umm…Jimmy…we have compiled the top nine suggested Jimmy Carter taglines.

9. “The glass isn’t half empty or half full, it’s just chock full of malaise-iness.”

8. Quite possibly one of the top three presidents named “Carter” who served in the mid-to-late 1970s.

7. The Palestinian from Plains.

6. America’s greatest ex-president; except for all of the other ones.

5. “If only I could have talked to Hitler.”

4. “I regret that we have only one Israel to give to Iran.”

3. One of the best presidents ever; only different.

2. Sort of like a Neville Chamberlin, but without all of that annoying courage.

1. The man who put the “qx” in “patriot.”

Fresh on the heels of their bi-partisan decision to overturn the Law of Supply and Demand by seeking legal redress from OPEC over high oil prices, the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives has set the bar a bit higher. In what many are calling a strikingly bold move, the congressional body has once again united across party lines, approving legislation that will pave the way for the Justice Department to sue on behalf of individuals who are adversely affected by gravity.

“Speaking as someone who has complied with the Law of Gravity for most her life, except when I needed just a bit of tightening around the jawline, I have to say I am saddened that it has come to this,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Democrats have a long-standing tradition of being pro-gravity, but the number of falls that the average hardworking American has to contend with has not only not gone down under this administration, it has actually risen sharply. In fact when you adjust for inflation, there are now 156% more falls today than in 1992. It’s clear that this once innocuous power that keeps things in place has evolved into a malevolent force that apparently enjoys sucking Americans–predominantly minorities and those below the poverty line might I add–violently and unexpectedly back into the earth. President Bush won’t do anything for fear of upsetting his Big Physics buddies, so the Democrats will have to take the lead yet again.”

“I am very grateful that something is being done about this huge gravity problem,” said John Flores, a stage three vertigo sufferer from San Diego. “I mean falls hurt. A lot. Every time I pick myself up, I wonder, ‘Who will protect unbalanced Americans like me from this stalking, sinister force?’”

The formidable gravity lobby was quick to return fire, saying that the ancient force of nature was an easy target for an American public that had grown increasingly uncoordinated, and warning that the cost of frivolous lawsuits would likely force gravity to shut down, sending billions of humans floating off into space.

Although Speaker Pelosi was unavailable for comment, an aide read a prepared statement noting that she was “working feverishly on legislation that would provide relief from the Nazi-like tyranny of ‘i before e except after c.’”