We are continuously stunned by the amount of fan mail we get from our readers. It is extremely flattering, and were we less-grounded people, we would surely start to get big heads from the kudos we receive.

Moreover, we are always encouraged to see that our readership abroad, the Netherlands in particular, continues to grow. Although we have never quite figured out the semantics of the whole Netherlands-Holland-Dutch thing, we have always loved the variety of ways in which they are able to refer to themselves.

Today’s letter is in response to one of our earlier articles (Sudanese Reaction To Mohammed Teddy Bear Reveals Ignorance About The Power Of The Mohammed Brand) and comes from a typical Dutchman, a Mr. Rami Yasin. I can almost see Mr. Yasin slipping off his wood shoes and putting on his handmade ice skates as he prepares to make figure eights on an idyllic Dutch pond. He writes:

You can draw,what ever fucking dame you want,
you can say what ever fucking dame you want,
you can think what ever fucking dame you want…”

Well, I for one am encouraged by Mr. Yasin’s strongly-held beliefs on personal freedom. I, too believe in these same exact things! I know if I keep digging, I’ll find a ton more that we have in common. And for the record, I choose Mary Katharine Ham. I know that “dame” is a bit of an archaic term, but who am I to judge Mr. Yasin’s culture? Besides, even though I don’t know Mary Katharine personally, she doesn’t seem like the type of person who would mind.

BUT…You cant face me,just that what I want from god. if we come face to face you well see what the fucking dame you deserve.

Oh. My God. I love to talk face-to-face too! E-mailing and texting are so impersonal. I smell a kindred spirit here! By the way, I can’t wait to see what dame I deserve. Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine! Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine!

I’m a muslem,I’m a MOHAMMED’s Soldier,

I’m a Christian, I was “Santa’s Little Helper” in my 3rd grade Christmas play! This is getting freaky.

I love him and all prophets as well as Jesuse
he is a human and he is my prophet too (my god wont and dont need to have a human child or any children because he is mighty over that all).

I love Jesus too! Only in my country we spell it without the last “e.” However, I’m a bit confused here. If your god “wont and dont need to have a human child,” then how come he was always dating them? That must be one of the “mysteries of Islam” I’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to learn more!

But you fucking disgusting christian people you dont have nothing.
I’m not going to discuss any thing with you,

Now that’s not true at all. I got flowers in the spring. I got you to wear my ring. I got you to hold my hand. I got you to understand. I got you to walk with me. I got you to talk with me. See? If you take the time, you can learn a lot about a person. We aren’t so different after all. Except the part about your religion directing you to kill those who think differently than you. Oh, and the cruel and inhumane manner in which you treat women. Plus there’s that suicide bomber thingy. And the utter and total disdain for human life. Besides that, it’s like looking in a mirror.

yes İslam is a violent religion just for you,because thats what you deserve.

Just for me it’s violent? I suppose that will come as something of a surprise to the people in the World Trade Center, the soldiers aboard the USS Cole, the victims of the London and Madrid bombings, and the myriad of people killed or threatened with death right in Holland. You are quite the flatterer though! You almost had me there, you silver-tongued jihadist you!

Damen…I have too be more bad than that,to kile people like you.see you or your fuck cristian people…

Wow. Your god lets you swear a lot more than my god does. And for the record, it’s Buckley, not Damen.

in the armageddon war day at 2035..27 years left

Thanks for the heads up. You heard it here first everyone. Only 9,855 shopping days left until the Armageddon War Day.

Thanks again to Mr. Yasin for taking the time to write.

Hollywood icon Harrison Ford is currently appearing in an Internet video having his chest waxed. Ford, the star of such blockbuster franchises as Star Wars and Indiana Jones, decided to undergo the painful procedure as a way of demonstrating the pain that the Earth feels when deforestation occurs.

Too often celebrities are chastised by conservative pundits, radio hosts (see Laura Ingraham’s “Shut Up And Sing!“), or bloggers for not “putting their money where their mouth is.” We at TNOYF applaud Mr. Ford for taking a stand, and hope that other stars will follow suit.

Following are other noteworthy causes with our suggestions for celebrity activism.

9. Staple individual slices of Kraft cheese to a handcuffed Sean Penn and then unleash 1,000 Norway Rats to commemorate the spread of the bubonic plague in the late 1300s.

8. Cut out Barbara Streisand’s tongue to symbolize her unity with oppressed women in the Middle East.

7. Burn Oliver Stone’s books, impound his homes and vehicles, confiscate his money, and throw him in jail with no legal representation to show his unity with the plight of the much-maligned former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

6. Program robots to perform painful anal probes on Nancy Pelosi to draw attention to discriminatory practices against illegal aliens.

5. Have Michael Moore’s core temperature raised to 147 degrees to symbolize the dramatic impact that global warming has had on the planet.

4. Perform a lobotomy on Reverend Jeremiah Wright to once and for all end the question over neurological differences between blacks and whites.

3. Cover Geraldo Rivera in brightly-colored papier-mache` and hang him from a tree near a group of stick-wielding juvenile delinquents to show support for the plight of undocumented immigrants.

2. Have the cast of The View hold a “Be A Baby Fur Seal For A Day” telethon during which they take turns clubbing each other to show support for the lovable aquatic mammals.

1. Feed Danny Glover to grey wolves to celebrate the carnivore’s return to prominence in the western United States due to the tireless efforts of animal rights activists.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am an enthusiastic young jihadi living in the vanguard of the new caliphate; London, England. Even though I am only seventeen, I have a wealth of experience as a Holy Warrior. To wit, I have recruited eighteen suicide bombers; I’ve filed a multi-million dollar “defamation of Muhammad” lawsuit in international court against noted Islamophobe Mark Steyn; and I have personally removed the heads of no less than eleven non-believers.

But therein lies the problem. My carpet cleaning expenses have become astronomical. My friends are always saying that I should perform these decapitations at a neutral site; like an alley or a public square. I have tried both of these, but felt more than a little uncomfortable each time.

When I sawed off the head of a non-believer in the alley, I felt…sneaky. Like I was doing something wrong. And the time I practiced my craft in a London park, almost everyone avoided eye contact. When I caught the attention of the few who did look my way, they clearly had disapproving looks on their faces.

No, I prefer the “home field advantage,” as the American devils are fond of saying. Which brings me back to my original point: how can I continue to perform Allah’s work, and maintain a clean, stain-free carpet all at the same time? And please do not recommend over-the-counter products. I have tried all of them before with no success. I anxiously await your response.

Khalid of the Clotted Carpet Clan

Dear Khalid,

My hat is off to you my friend. You truly have a resume that would be considered impressive by any standard. I must say, you remind me of myself in many ways. I too was once young and ambitious. You are surely on your way to accomplishing great things. However, stubborn stains have been the undoing of many a Holy Warrior with great potential. You were right to come to me.

I still recall one time during the early days of my career when my ambition was writing checks my machete couldn’t cash. I had a ridiculously busy schedule this particular Saturday: a 5:00 pm decapitation in my living room, followed quickly by the clitorectomies of the Hassan triplets at 6:00. To top it all off, I had 100 guests arriving at my hut at 8:00 for a party to celebrate the anniversaries of me and six of my wives!

After completing my duties, I looked down and saw several embarrassing stains on the rug. I tried cold water with no luck (even though I blotted and did not scrub). I tried several OTC cleaning products, but each one seemed to only add more depth and color to the stains.

Finally, I swallowed my pride and called in a professional. It was the best move I ever made. The staff was knowledgeable, professional, and quickly converted to Islam with only a minimum of coaxing. The carpets came clean, the celebration went off without a hitch, and I can now perform a wide range of religious ceremonies at home with complete confidence.

I learned a valuable lesson through the humiliating sequence of events that day. You may be able to get away with inferior products in some instances, but not all the time. When it comes to the cleanliness and beauty of your home, accept no substitutes.