On this 4th of July, I urge my fellow Americans to exercise tolerance for those with different beliefs than their own. Remember that even though you might have the urge to get caught up in the dangerous flag-waving nationalism of the day, Europe is watching. At least try to make a good impression.

And so, in the spirit of this most important day in our history, I offer the following tips to the less polished of our citizens:

• If you insist on drinking low-grade domestic beer, pour it into a glass or at least a paper cup. Extend your pinkie when drinking the swill. These moves will not change the awful taste, but they will lend an air of sophistication.
• If you must wave a flag, ask yourself these questions: Does it really need to be an American flag? Am I doing my part to further the notions of diversity, tolerance, and inclusion by mindlessly swinging the American flag around? How might this make the hard-working, undocumented citizens who are all around me feel? Furthermore, what about using the flags of other, culturally-equal countries like Venezuela, Indonesia, or Chad–don’t they deserve representation?
• Are fireworks really the way to show the American spirit? How about circling up the family for a rousing go at a pinata?
• Hot dogs and apple pie? Can anyone say “cliche`?” At the Obama house, our wait staff puts out a diverse array of food–including quiche, hummus, and Chilean sea bass–that truly paints a gastronomic picture of what Independence Day means to the average American.

I know you will do your part to help to me unite this soon-to-be-great country of ours. Be on your best behavior.

This message has been brought to you by the Obama In ‘08 campaign.

In what many are calling a concerted effort to purge his proverbial closet of all potentially harmful skeletons, presumed Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has severed all ties with his radical letter carrier, Chuck Patterson.

This move comes on the heels of Obama’s decision to leave the controversial Trinity United Church of Chicago after he spent much time defending former pastors Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Rev. Michael Pfleger.

“Well, well, well…what a coincidence that Senator Obama received his mail from a man who, by all accounts, used his federal postal route to deliver a virulent brand of radicalism,” said Republican spokesman Darren Scoresby. “Chuck Patterson is not only a racist, American-hating extremist, from what I have heard, he is also a sub-par mailman who can’t tell bulk mail from a she-male.”

Some of Patterson’s more controversial actions include:

• Referring to plain white business envelopes as “third-class cracker wrappers”, when delivering mail to caucasian households.
• Walking his route with his pit bull “Mail Dawg” wearing nothing but a Kanye West half-shirt and a pair of Crocs instead of his government-issued uniform.
• Circulating to fellow postal workers a revised version of the postal creed (”Neither rain nor snow…”) that read, “If it’s raining, snowing or even just a bit overcast, this courier is keeping his black ass in his climate-controlled mail jeep, thank you very much.”
• Beating an old woman’s barking toy poodle to death with the Neiman Marcus fall catalog.

Obama distanced himself from Patterson’s actions, but was quick to note “I can no more denounce my letter carrier than I can my gardener, my waitstaff, or my chauffer.” An Obama official went on to say that the senator only occasionally receives mail at home.

“This is just getting plain old silly now,” said Obama campaign spokesman Walter Simms. “Senator Obama has had his name taken off of all of the junk mailing lists, and he has a PO Box that he uses frequently; that means that weeks or months may go by where his letter carrier does not even come to the house. All of this posturing is a desperate move by the Clinton campaign to keep a primary going that by all rights was over a long time ago.”

Obama’s Democratic primary opponent Hillary Clinton was quick to seize on the controversy as yet another valid reason for her to stay in the race noting that “postal carriers have been known to snap and shoot people they feel have wronged them.”

During the 2008 presidential campaign Barack Obama’s church, Trinity United Church of Christ, has come to the forefront on several occasions for the radical, highly politicized manner in which its pastors conduct themselves.

We here at TNOYF did some digging around and discovered that although this church does indeed follow Christian teachings in a very loose sense, they have been operating from a slightly modified version of the Ten Commandments. The use of these commandments as guiding principles, was tied in to several large earmarks that Obama secured for the church during his tenure in the senate.  

They are:

1. I am Barack, your future president. You shall have no other candidates before me. Especially that entitled, uppity white bitch who thinks that, when it comes to presidential politics, having girl parts trumps dark skin.

2. You shall not make for yourself an idol unless, you know, it is an idol of me. Or me and Che. Just make sure we both have berets on. The beret is the most underrated hat going. Oh, and slap a mustache on me when you make that idol. Damned if I can grow one myself.

3. You shall not ask me really hard questions. Those make my head hurt behind my eyebrows.

4. You shall not bring any video cameras, cell phones with video-making capacity, or tape recording devices of any sort into this house of worship during sermons. I’m on the home stretch here people. Think.

5. Honor your mother and father. Even if one of them is white. However, grandparents are fair game.

6. You shall not kill. However, it is okay to sit down with the leaders of rogue nations bent on destroying America, without preconditions, provided they are not as large as the former Soviet Union.

7. You shall not use oil. There is more than enough sunlight to power the new one-seat solar cars I will be mandating during my first term in office. Besides, is there really any reason that you are going to need to drive faster than five miles per hour anyway?

8. When in doubt, you shall act shocked to discover things that you clearly already know. This works surprisingly well.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Unless your neighbor is white. Or conservative. Or if you are running for elected office.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife; you shall not covet your neighbor’s flat screen tv; nor his pontoon boat; nor his new car; nor anything that is your neighbors. Under the new system of government I will be implementing, you won’t have any reason for coveting. We will all have the exact same stuff.

Directly on the heels of his blowout loss in West Virginia, Barack Obama received a much-needed boost when John Edwards threw his endorsement to the Illinois senator.

“There is no question that this helps,” said Obama campaign spokesman Darren Guilford. “How couldn’t it? Senator Edwards brings several key voting blocs into play that, quite honestly,  had been out of reach for us before. For starters, he has an unheard of favorable rating of 99.5% among white, metro-sexual males with monthly hair care expenditures of over $1,000. And I think his crossover appeal among non-verbal, cerebral palsy sufferers and unborn children goes without saying. We are very happy to receive such an important endorsement.”

Edwards noted that the time was right to make his endorsement of Senator Obama.

“Since I dropped out of the presidential race I have been working quietly, if not feverishly, behind the scenes to learn all that I could about both Barack and Hillary,” he said. “Once I became comfortable that my beliefs were much more in line with Barack’s, which was confirmed by polling numbers showing him as the shoo-in candidate, my decision was an easy one. I just hope that my humble ability to communicate with all kinds of Americans from medically neglected zygotes, to the uber-fabulously coiffed, will benefit Barack’s campaign.” 

At least one veteran beltway watcher agreed with Edwards’ assessment.

“I think Senator Edwards is being extremely self-deprecating when he speaks of his ‘humble ability to communicate’ with critical special interest groups,” said Martin Gascoigne of the DC Policy Institute. “Well-kept caucasian males with free-spending haircare habits are a vital demographic, and they are not easily swayed by empty political rhetoric. They’ve been burned too many times before by promises of universal haircare from smooth talking politicians. As the young people say, Edwards has an inordinate amount of ’street cred’ with them. When we look back at this presidential race, it is very likely that this could be the tipping point for Obama getting both the Democratic nomination and a clear shot at the presidency.”   

9. Obviously your involvement with both Reverend Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers of the Weather Underground have become huge campaign issues and we’d be remiss if we did not mention them. That being said, do you like Tiger Woods’ chances of taking at least two of the next three Majors this season?

8. If you had a time machine, would you go back in time to prevent U.S. troops from being sent to Iraq before or after you prevented them from being deployed to Europe in the 1940s for the senseless, extremely costly war against Germany and Japan?

7. One weblog forwarded the notion that “once you go Barack, you never go back.” Is this true?

6. Tell us more about your excellent campaign slogan: “A pony in every backyard.”

5. Two-part question. How many minority social workers from Chicago will it take to solve the ills of this country? And are you willing to tax evil corporations an additional 50-60% for the greater good that would come from their efforts?

4. How would you respond to your critics who have slammed you for having little to no practical foreign policy experience, conveniently omitting the fact that you have several atlases, a really cool globe that opens up into a bar, and home videos of your childhood trips that have already been converted from 8mm to digital?

3. If elected president, would you be comfortable using your powers to solve the world’s food shortage by turning a package of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks and a three-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi into lifetime supplies of each?

2. Given the following choices, what term best describes you: “wicked awesome”, “totally wicked awesome”, or “off the chain, cha-chinga-ching to the 10th power awesome?”

1. How many puppies would you estimate you have saved from drowning during your tenure in the United States Senate?

There has been a great deal of confusion, outrage, and discussion over Senator Barack Obama’s statements during a speech in San Francisco this past week. Rather than present some finely-crafted opinion to you, we instead offer this actual transcript of the exchange.

Greetings, San Francisco comrades. I can’t tell you how great it is to be back among my people after my recent travels.

Welcome, Dear Leader. We are anxious to hear about your expedition to the hinterland.

I’m sure you are. And I am anxious to unburden myself. I saw… things. Unspeakable things.

Yes. We have heard from the Goracle that “the part of the country that must not be named” is populated by climatically-challenged freaks, mutants having only one set of sexual organs, and the intellectually incurious. Is it so?

If it were only that simple, my friends. No, what I saw would turn your double latte frappuccino sour in a nanosecond.

Gasp! Enlighten us, Chosen One.

Brace yourselves. These…creatures engage in a host of rituals that range from the simply bizarre, to the egregiously vile. For example, a vast majority of them hunt on a regular basis.

You mean they hunt for multiply-gonaded sex partners with whom to engage in such universally-practiced acts as the Bay Area Blackout, the Chomsky Chiller or, my personal favorite, the Modesto Manhole Cover ?

I’m afraid not.

Perhaps they hunt pre-aborted fetuses from the host female’s containment area?

No, they actually hunt our four-legged Earth cohabitants, which they call “animals.” And in real life, not video games (like this one and this one). Deer primarily, but none of Gaia’s creatures are safe.

Nooooooooooo!

I’m sorry brother Furry, but yes.

Sister.

Really?

Care to see my breeding apparatus?

Not necessary, costumed-one.

Costume?

Allow me to continue. Apart from slaughtering and eating defenseless animals, they also claim that they use their weapons for protection from, among other things, burglars.

Burglars?

Undocumented nocturnal visitors.

Ahhhh.

What else, Enlightened Leader?

Bowling. This is when they roll a large black orb down what appears to be an old runway from an exotic dancing club, with the aim of knocking over ten large, white pins.

How senselessly violent. Still, I love the racially egalitarian nature of this ritual.

I concur. Better still, they clearly have no cognizance of the symbolism inherent in this game. It is refreshing to see racial justice meted out by unwitting heathens.

Here, here. We beg of you, regale us with more!

If I must. I found their drinking habits too, to be beneath contempt. They only drink beer, but I could not find a single imported wheat ale no matter how hard I looked.

Arrrgh!

Oh, yes. And the topper is when they drink this low-grade swill, not out of a glass mind you, their pinkies never leave the side of the can!

How uncouth! How un-European! Blasphemy!

All of the above. But it gets even more distressing. They hold some of the most radical views on underdocumented Americans that I have ever witnessed. They want to prevent their fellow North Americans from obtaining drivers licenses, silence their voice through the denial of voting rights, and perhaps most disturbingly, they are firmly against the “Eleven Strikes And You’re Out” policy I’ve proposed to protect the underdocumented who have been viciously entrapped by law enforcement and charged with laughable felonies.

Un-progressive! Un-progressive! Un-progressive!

Preach on, my friends. So I present to you that these, and a host of other similarly atrocious customs, contribute to the overall feeling of bitterness among these unfortunate souls. But we can effect change here. There is hope, rather audacious hope, but hope nonetheless.

What would you have us do? Arm them with protest signs and show them the calm enlightenment that comes with endlessly protesting this country’s fascist military recruitment centers?

Possibly.

Compel them to see the truth through the powers of my magic lasso?

Now you’re thinking.

Use my influence in Hollywood to create films devoid of the blubberingly naive pro-American sentiment that’s been prevalent in Tinseltown the last few decades?

Yes! Yes!

Did you bring us anything from the back country?

Of course, my children.

Oooooh! I hope it’s the new k.d. lang CD!

No, even better, if you can imagine that. I’ve brought back live specimens.

Hooray! A carnival of freaks!

Here is the first, riflus assaulticus, from the phylum clinginus excessivum.

Crowd: ooooooh.

Can we approach the cage?

Sure– OH MY GOD WAIT I FORGOT TO LOCK IT!

AHHHHHH!!!!! HELP, POLICE!!!!

Just kidding. Hey, who called for the police?

Not me.

Me neither.

I think Mayor Newsome has some splainin’ to do.

Uh, sorry. It just… slipped out. Hunters…frighten me.

We’ll let it slide. OK, onto exhibit 2, simpletum inbreedicus, a species I saw quite a bit in the aforementioned bowling alleys.

Crowd: Ahhhhh!

And finally, a heart-breaking creature, sodomus maximum.

No one sodomized me, dill-weed.

ARRRRGH! IT SPEAKS!

I should have warned you. And this specimen is clearly suffering from a repressed memory disorder, no doubt a coping mechanism after years of relentless abuse at the hands of so-called men of God. We didn’t get to him in time.

Hey, look, it’s the fat guy from All In The Family.

No, I’m the critically-acclaimed director, Robert Reiner.

Whatever, Meathead.

I must be going, my friends. Thank you for your rapt attention. I hope you now understand just how much small-town America requires our guidance and influence. It is no small task.

We are up to the task, Open-Minded one.