On this 4th of July, I urge my fellow Americans to exercise tolerance for those with different beliefs than their own. Remember that even though you might have the urge to get caught up in the dangerous flag-waving nationalism of the day, Europe is watching. At least try to make a good impression.

And so, in the spirit of this most important day in our history, I offer the following tips to the less polished of our citizens:

• If you insist on drinking low-grade domestic beer, pour it into a glass or at least a paper cup. Extend your pinkie when drinking the swill. These moves will not change the awful taste, but they will lend an air of sophistication.
• If you must wave a flag, ask yourself these questions: Does it really need to be an American flag? Am I doing my part to further the notions of diversity, tolerance, and inclusion by mindlessly swinging the American flag around? How might this make the hard-working, undocumented citizens who are all around me feel? Furthermore, what about using the flags of other, culturally-equal countries like Venezuela, Indonesia, or Chad–don’t they deserve representation?
• Are fireworks really the way to show the American spirit? How about circling up the family for a rousing go at a pinata?
• Hot dogs and apple pie? Can anyone say “cliche`?” At the Obama house, our wait staff puts out a diverse array of food–including quiche, hummus, and Chilean sea bass–that truly paints a gastronomic picture of what Independence Day means to the average American.

I know you will do your part to help to me unite this soon-to-be-great country of ours. Be on your best behavior.

This message has been brought to you by the Obama In ‘08 campaign.

Michelle Malkin opines on the website “Stuff White People Like,” and wonders aloud if there’s potential in a website dedicated to Stuff Muslims Don’t Like.

To help, here’s TNOYF’s list of the Top 9 Things That Muslims Don’t Like.

9. That recurring nightmare where they are in front of a million screaming jihadists with an American flag and a box of damp matches.

8. When a cranky rotator cuff produces inaccurate, sidearm-hurling at stonings.

7. Matzo and Brisket Day in the jihadist cafeteria.

6. The inexplicable failure of consumer electronics companies to recognize the marketing opportunity for blood-resistant video cameras.

5. That dark day in history when, due to a bizarre genetic mutation and Allah’s sick sense of humor, women suddenly developed the ability to make sound.

4. Nosebleed end-zone seats at the soccer stadium for the weekly execution festival.

3. Landing gear.

2. Discovering that the peculiar odor in the house was an infidel head taken as a souvenir by your son and hidden beneath his not-so-secret stash of Camel Love Quarterly.

1. Spending several hours tracking the enticing sounds of an injured baby goat through a cave only to find it was that ventriloquist prankster, Abdul.