Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am an enthusiastic young jihadi living in the vanguard of the new caliphate; London, England. Even though I am only seventeen, I have a wealth of experience as a Holy Warrior. To wit, I have recruited eighteen suicide bombers; I’ve filed a multi-million dollar “defamation of Muhammad” lawsuit in international court against noted Islamophobe Mark Steyn; and I have personally removed the heads of no less than eleven non-believers.

But therein lies the problem. My carpet cleaning expenses have become astronomical. My friends are always saying that I should perform these decapitations at a neutral site; like an alley or a public square. I have tried both of these, but felt more than a little uncomfortable each time.

When I sawed off the head of a non-believer in the alley, I felt…sneaky. Like I was doing something wrong. And the time I practiced my craft in a London park, almost everyone avoided eye contact. When I caught the attention of the few who did look my way, they clearly had disapproving looks on their faces.

No, I prefer the “home field advantage,” as the American devils are fond of saying. Which brings me back to my original point: how can I continue to perform Allah’s work, and maintain a clean, stain-free carpet all at the same time? And please do not recommend over-the-counter products. I have tried all of them before with no success. I anxiously await your response.

Khalid of the Clotted Carpet Clan

Dear Khalid,

My hat is off to you my friend. You truly have a resume that would be considered impressive by any standard. I must say, you remind me of myself in many ways. I too was once young and ambitious. You are surely on your way to accomplishing great things. However, stubborn stains have been the undoing of many a Holy Warrior with great potential. You were right to come to me.

I still recall one time during the early days of my career when my ambition was writing checks my machete couldn’t cash. I had a ridiculously busy schedule this particular Saturday: a 5:00 pm decapitation in my living room, followed quickly by the clitorectomies of the Hassan triplets at 6:00. To top it all off, I had 100 guests arriving at my hut at 8:00 for a party to celebrate the anniversaries of me and six of my wives!

After completing my duties, I looked down and saw several embarrassing stains on the rug. I tried cold water with no luck (even though I blotted and did not scrub). I tried several OTC cleaning products, but each one seemed to only add more depth and color to the stains.

Finally, I swallowed my pride and called in a professional. It was the best move I ever made. The staff was knowledgeable, professional, and quickly converted to Islam with only a minimum of coaxing. The carpets came clean, the celebration went off without a hitch, and I can now perform a wide range of religious ceremonies at home with complete confidence.

I learned a valuable lesson through the humiliating sequence of events that day. You may be able to get away with inferior products in some instances, but not all the time. When it comes to the cleanliness and beauty of your home, accept no substitutes.