Guest Editorial by Barry Bonds Genitalia-

Well it’s finally over and Hank Aaron’s vaunted home run record has fallen. It took a lot of hard work from both Barry and I to get to this point, but it was worth it. We deserve this honor. Barry has been a model professional and maintained a spartan workout regimen throughout his career, and I have contributed greatly to the effort as well.

We achieved these goals in spite of the best efforts of the buttocks who took every opportunity to gripe about a mysteriously recurring pricking sensation and his so-called “acne problem.” Hey, I’ve learned to live with the right hand keeping me more or less in a constant choke hold. We’ve all got our crosses to bear. Would it kill you just for once to man up and be a team player?

Unfortunately, during a time that should be all about celebration and joy, there remain many naysayers out there who question the ethics of this baseball legend. Allegations of steroid use continue to hang over our heads which threatens to put an asterisk alongside Barry’s home run record.

As one who is very close to the situation, I say these charges are rubbish. I am no physician, but from what I know, steroids are supposed to bulk you up. Create massive amounts of muscle. I can testify that this is not the case here.

Barry and I have stuck to a strict fitness and diet plan that has enabled us to maintain our physical well-being for many years. Sure Barry has added a bit of muscle, but eating right and getting plenty of exercise has a lot to do with that. Hello, can anyone say “protein shakes?”

And take a look at me. I am in the best shape of my life. I haven’t been this fit and trim since my schoolboy days. In fact, at my recent physical I learned that I am actually below my birth weight. I can already smell the jealousy from the other guys at my upcoming high school reunion!

I hope this puts the rumors of steroid use to bed once and for all.

Related: Asterisk Says It Wants No Part Of Barry Bonds Record; Suggests Question Mark “Step Up For Once”

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