A team of sleep researchers from the University of New Hampshire claim to have uncovered several new stages of the sleep cycle, thus breaking from the previous school of thought which held that there were only two distinct categories of disambiguation. 

“Many of you may be familiar with REM, or Rapid Eye Movement, and non-REM sleep,” said Dr. Philip Mabels. “Our new research shows that the non-REM stage can be broken down into even more specific sub-categories. It’s really quite fascinating.”

The newly discovered categories are as follows:

• KOP (King of Pop) sleep- During this phase, the hypothalamus becomes extremely active with dreams of a Silver Spoons-era Ricky Schroeder becoming prevalent, often resulting in high-flow nocturnal emissions.  
• SSM (Senior Senator from Massachusetts) sleep- A very deep stage of sleep during which the person is unable to be roused due to a chemically depressed central nervous system. Interestingly, individuals have been known to perform amazing feats that demonstrate both great physical prowess and heightened mental acuity during this, the deepest of the sleep stages. There are cases on record of people: swimming to safety from fully submerged vehicles; finding their way home down dark roads late at night;  and even organizing their thoughts well enough to place phone calls critical to their self-preservation.    
• STD sleep- During this phase, the individual’s sleep is dominated by dreams of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
• SUV sleep- During this stage, the individual’s telekinetic powers are at their height. Contrary to popular belief, the typical SUV does not act on its own to commit heinous crimes against society. Rather, most all incidences of Suburban, Expedition, and Hummer murders are actually caused by psychokinetically gifted individuals during SUV sleep.       

Mabels went on to note that their may be more surprises yet to come.

“This is an exciting time to be involved in the field of sleep research. We have made some major breakthroughs and are on the verge of another. I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that if the statistics bear out, the stereotype that Mexicans are shiftless and lazy might have a certain degree of scientific validity.”

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