Subscribe
Retro-Nose: The Iraq Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press!
(Advertisement)
Are you freakishly obsessed with the daily casualty count in Iraq? Do you find yourself disappointed when a day or two goes by and no American soldiers die? Have you ever been at a cocktail party and said, “How can we be so damn jovial when George Bush is responsible for a death toll in Iraq that is approaching one-tenth the total of British dead in the Second Boer War?”
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need the new Associated Press Pocket Iraq Casualty Counter! Now the information you need to make bizarre, extraneous points about the Iraqi War is at your fingertips, 24 hours a day! The Pocket Casualty Counter uses satellite technology to wirelessly provide instant updates on casualties, as they happen. And the Pocket Casualty Counter links the death toll with a historical database to provide you with the factual ammunition you need to battle those crazy neo-cons, on the go! So you’ll be able to say, “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but George Bush has now murdered 10 times the number of people who are eaten alive in an average decade by the Spotted Siberian Tiger.” Imagine the look of shock on their Christian fundamentalist faces!
Still not convinced? What if we told you the Pocket Casualty Counter can be personally customized, so the latest information can be delivered by your favorite anti-war celebrity? That’s right! Who better to tell you that a U.S. soldier has died than Cindy Sheehan? Or Michael Moore? Imagine the dulcet tones of John Kerry echoing from your pocket against a funeral dirge. You’ll be the envy of everyone at Starbucks!
But wait, there’s more! Act now, and we’ll include a free software upgrade to get real-time WOUNDED statistics as well. And since the Pocket Casualty Counter counts SAD and SLEEPING soldiers as WOUNDED, you’ll get the robust numbers you need to make killer anti-war points that will leave your opponents speechless!
How can this get any better? Order in the next 30 minutes, and we’ll send you, free of charge, the AP Abacus of Dead Iraqi Civilians. Now you can count the murdered innocents of Iraq like an old Babylonian, wailing and crying as you slide the beads of death!
So that’s the Pocket Casualty Counter, the free WOUNDED software upgrade, and the AP Abacus of Dead Iraqi Civilians! And you can have it all for just $199.99! But you must act now! Sympathetic operators with multiple piercings are standing by! CALL NOW!
- Retro Nose: The New Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press
- Retro-Nose: The New Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press!
- The New Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press!
- Number Of US Dead, Wounded In Iraq Drop, NYT To Reevaluate Criterion
- Iraq Death Toll Will Soon Equal Total of Bubonic Plague Minus Irish Potato Famine
You guys are nuts. I can’t afford $199.99. How much for the Abacus alone?
How is this power, by earth destroying batteries i suspect. Another Rovian plot to destroy America and make Dick Cheney emperor!
I can’t find the link or the phone number to order mine!
If you guys can forward my order, I’ll take the Sean Penn model…
While the price seems a bit steep, I believe it will also count how many American soldiers steal candy from Iraqi children, which Pastor Wright told me is horribly underreported in the Jewish controlled media.
Order in the next fifteen minutes, and the Grim Milestone Pedometer is yours, free!
I gotta say these things are sooooooo worth it. Why last week I bought an “Obama’s Inability To Be A Real Leader Counter” and it was running like Jerry’s Telethon board. It counts the number of times he says something that sounds like he is still supporting Rev. Wright. I have it in my pocket on vibrate and, well, let’s just say last week I was wearing a smile 24/7.
Cool.
The calculator comes with an “Nth power” function so I can extrapolate how many more must die before Bush leaves office or the NYT goes financially bankrupt (they have been morally bankrupt for years).
And, I see the color IRB T-shirts have old Rage Boy in a hat with an emblem that looks to be a happy face with pen jabbed in the eyeball. Great job!
I’ll be sure to send one T-shirt and one thong to AP spokesmen Jack Stokes, John Jones, and Paul Colford. I am sure they will wear them proudly.
The 1st amendment rules, especially in a forum like this, where I can say, “I doubt any of you understand the cycle of poverty in the world, nor care enough with your ‘Christian Ethics’ to anything pro-active about it.” Or how about “Donald Rumsfeld is an inspirational politician for all children in America, even though more than half can’t read in the public school system we’ve set up for them.”
But the 1st amendment also allows for much more to be said and invented, like the ingenious death counter, which echoes the death statistics the Nazis and Khmer Rouge kept. So with that elementary logic, which seems to be the basis of humor for the patrons of this website, you can equate liberals to fascists. But who cares about them anyway, we’ll just hose them down with the water hoses like the Civil Rights protesters in the 60s. Good thing there’s no water shortage.
iswearimnotwhite:
Uh….are you going to buy one or not?
No, he’s not. Damn window-shoppers.