Editors Note: The following is the first of what will likely become a regular TNOYF feature- Saturday Morning Retro-Nose. Each Saturday we will take a look back at one of our favorite postings from our early days that never made it in front of as many eyeballs as we would have liked. We hope you enjoy it!

Q & A With Ted Kennedy On Valentine’s Day

Like most of you out there, when we here at TNOYF think of the word “love”, one man comes to mind: Senator Edward “Teddy” Kennedy (D-Massachusetts). That is why with Valentine’s Day upon us, we were extremely fortunate to sit down with the very busy senior senator from Massachusetts and discuss all things amour.

TNOYF: Senator Kennedy thanks for taking the time to meet with us.

TK: Err-ahh… always a pleasure.

TNOYF: Same. Let’s jump right in with a tough one. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

TK: I thought this was an interview about love and Valentine’s Day.

TNOYF: You caught me! I misread the question. What I meant to say was: If you were a tree on Valentine’s Day, what type of tree would you be?

TK: Err-ahh… That’s better. You can’t slip those tricky ones by me! Let’s see. I guess I never really thought about it. Err-ahh… I guess a Scotch Elm. Hold the Elm. Heh-heh.

TNOYF: Good one Senator. Any gift ideas for the fellas out there?

TK: Flowers are always good. They seem to like jewelry and candy as well.

TNOYF: Ah yes, the old standards. Any gifts to avoid?

TK: Err-ahh… I try to avoid all water related products.

TNOYF: Sure. The Democratic Party has traditionally been known as the party of minorities. Any tips for our African-American male readers?

TK: Err-ahh…Oh hell I never know what those people like. Err-ahh… Well, I can’t think of any, but I can ask my Senate colleague Big Mac Osama…I mean Balack Pastrama… err-ahh… Obama bin… Barack… err-ahh… My Salama in your mama….no that’s not right…

TNOYF: Barack Obama?

TK: Err-ahh…Yes, him.

TNOYF: Moving right along. Finish this sentence: My ideal woman has…

TK: Gills, no vocal chords and a low tolerance for alcohol.

TNOYF: What?

TK: Oh that was out loud wasn’t it? I do that sometimes. Scratch that.

TNOYF: Right. What is your idea of a dream date?

TK: Err-ahh…now you’re talking. Well the day starts out with a presidential recall with yours truly being named new commander-in-chief. My first official move is to have “The Star Spangled Banner” replaced with the scotch song Will Ferrell sings in Anchorman. Next I have anonymous sex with one of those gals from Girls Gone Wild. I drink a Dewars. Bush gets eaten by wolves. More anonymous sex. This time with several co-eds from Playboy Magazine’s “Girls of the Pac-10″ issue. More Dewars. Taxes get raised. I invite the New England Patriots cheerleaders to the Oval Office for a little game of “Kneel to the Commander-in-Chief”, if you know what I mean. Then…

TNOYF: Senator, you’re doing it again.

TK: Err-ahh…sorry about that.

TNOYF: Please Senator, this is a family oriented column. Last question for you Senator Kennedy. You are from perhaps the most famous political family in US history. American royalty some say. Your brothers Bobby and Jack were both political giants and must have influenced you politically. Did they play a role in shaping your views on romance as well? If so, how? 

TK: Err-ahh…well I remember this one time when Marilyn was over. She kept going into the back room with Jack and then Bobby, Jack and then Bobby and I was like “Err-ahh…hey! What am I chopped liver?” I have needs too…

TNOYF: I think that concludes our interview for…

TK: …and then Jack was like ‘Hey Teddy, smell my fingers’ so I said…

TNOYF: …today. Thanks for your time Senator.

Related posts 

1. Retro-Nose: Valentines Day Q & A With Ted Kennedy
2. Retro-Nose: Valentines Day Q & A With Ted Kennedy
3. Q & A With Ted Kennedy On VD
4. Retro-nose: Top 9 Statements That Would Make Ted Kennedy Cry
5. Retro-Nose: Top 9 Statements That Would Make Ted Kennedy Cry