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Retro-Nose: Star-Naming Service Now To Offer Naming Of Rocks, Shrubs and Trees
After years of providing happiness to romantics the world over by “officially” naming stars for them, the International Star Registry (ISR) has decided to expand its naming services to include trees, shrubs, and rocks.
ISR has built a huge business by charging $50-$100 for “new” star names. They then publish a book with those star names entitled “Your Place in the Cosmos”. People who buy star names also receive a certificate declaring the “official” name of the star.
“From celebrities to average folk, the lure of being able to name a planetary body after a loved one has proven to be powerful,” said Vice President of Marketing Joe Smith. “So we looked around for other things we could charge people to name. Is this a great country or what?”
According to ISR, research indicated that there was an un-met need among consumers who wanted to name something for a loved one, but felt that they didn’t warrant a star.
“I remember sitting in the backroom of these focus groups,” chuckled Smith, “and hearing this woman say, ‘My husband isn’t a star. He’s just a stumpy little putz,’ and it came to me. Name a shrub after him!”
As with the star registry, several books will be published to officially signify these new namings:
Your Place in Your Neighbor’s Landscaping
Your Place in the Woods
Your Place on the Cold Damp Ground
The idea, launched in test market in St. Louis, was wildly successful, although some of the kinks need to be worked out of the system.
“Some folks went in search of their specific rock, tree or shrub,” explained Smith. “And it created some problems. One guy chained himself to the tree he named after his dead wife, and it happened to be right on someone’s front lawn. It got a little touchy there for a bit.”
ISR will promote its rock, tree and shrub service to existing customers first, said Smith.
“We’re going to extend them an exclusive offer for being such wonderful, loyal customers,” he explained. “with an incentive, of course. We’ll explain to them that their star was sadly sucked into a black hole, but that we have this new offer. There will be a special “Rock-Shrub-Tree” Package Deal for only $99.95.”
The new expanded service will necessitate a re-naming of the company to International Inanimate Object Registry (IIOR).
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More of these crazy enviromentalist wackos i mean it was Julia(butterfly)Hill that named the trees she sat in for two years as LUNA and of course which means LUNATICS which it what most of these eco-wackos are