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Retro-nose: Lisa Marie Nowak’s Fondest Valentine’s Day Memory
Guest Commentary by Lisa Marie Nowak
I can still vividly recall Valentine’s Day from my kindergarten year. It was a chilly February morn. A light snow was falling and I was awash with excitement. My true love and I were planning on a fun-filled day of pre-pubescent amour, even though he kept insisting that I was not his girlfriend. I discovered early on that when boys say “leave me the hell alone”, they really mean “yes”.
Unfortunately, I was “sick” and mom decided to keep me home, a decision she’d soon regret. I wasn’t going to let something as innocuous as a 104 degree fever, a few petit mal seizures, and an overbearing mother slow me down. Love was in the air.
My man Billy Sanders was counting on me to deliver his Holly Hobby valentine and I wasn’t going to disappoint him. Billy was only the most wonderful boy in the whole school and he was mine, mine, mine! Besides, that little b**** Tammy Zimmerman had been trying to put the moves on him and I was not about to give her this golden opportunity.
After rendering mom unconscious with a well-placed soup pan to the head, I was on my way. Oh, Billy.
About halfway to school I felt an uncomfortably familiar sensation come over me; it was my old nemesis diarrhea. I had a decision to make and I made it without hesitation. Love had convinced me to carry on, my poorly formed stools be damned.
A few blocks later my worst fears were confirmed as I felt a gooey, warm substance running down my leg. At that moment I promised myself that I would never again trust mere cotton to withstand the onslaught of my bodily waste.
When I arrived at Our Lady of Lourdes Elementary, it was just as I suspected. There was Billy on the playground with that skag Tammy fawning all over him. Even now I am overcome with nausea just thinking about that two-bit slut and her manipulative ways. Apparently melting her Malibu Barbie’s breasts together and coating her mid-morning snacks with a light misting of bleach weren’t enough to teach her a lesson. Some people really need to have the point hammered home.
I quickly lured Tammy to the edge of the playground and then into the woods under the ruse that I had discovered the Smurf’s village and they needed our help to defeat Gargamel. After duct taping her to a maple tree, I had a little heart to heart talk with her.
I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that the next time Tammy tries to steal someone else’s man, she is going to discover that her girl parts do not work the way that nature had originally intended them to.
Needless to say, when I brought Billy back to see Tammy, he was speechless. He didn’t need to say anything. I could tell by the shocked expression on his face that he had never been loved this much by anyone in his life.
Ahh, to be young and in love. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
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