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Retro-Nose: Asterisk Says It Wants No Part of Barry Bonds Record; Suggests Question Mark “Step Up For Once”
As baseball fans heatedly debate the merits of Barry Bonds’ inevitable ascendancy to career home run king, a different controversy surfaced yesterday when the asterisk, the star-like typographical symbol expected by many to appear alongside Bonds’ place in the record books to denote the slugger’s steroid use, announced that it wanted “no part” of Bonds’ record. In the shocking announcement, a visibly testy asterisk said the association with the slugger’s tarnished image would sully its “storied reputation” and perhaps impact its ability to find meaningful work in the future.
“I usually try to stay out of controversy, but Barry Bonds is a pompous, narcissistic fool,” said the asterisk. “I’m drawing the line. It’s time some other punctuation marks start to carry some of this dirty water. In fact, I’ll call out the question mark. Why don’t we put the very symbol of uncertainty, doubt and improbability alongside Mr. Bonds’ skid mark in the record book? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE ASTERISK?”
The question mark was unavailable for comment. A phone call to its home was answered by the semi-colon, who said the question mark was attending a seminar on the proper use of conjunctive adverbs with the apostrophe and the ellipsis. But the semi-colon offered some insight into the debate.
“Look, the asterisk has a point; we all need to take a good look at this,” he said. “I, for one, thought this might be a great opportunity for the ampersand to step up and recover from the Hall & Oates tragedy. But it might just be that the horrid responsibility of having linked the two guys who wrote the song Maneater is too much to overcome.”
Update: A representative for the period told our sources that a blockbuster deal with the asterisk was scuttled this morning. Details are sketchy, but the period had offered to assume responsibility for Bonds’ record in exchange for being relieved of its responsibility as the shorthand expression for a woman’s menstrual cycle. The deal imploded when the National Organization for Women threatened to abandon all punctuation usage entirely if women were forced to say, “Oh crap, I just got my asterisk.”
Update 2: The umlaut ¨ reportedly offered its services to the asterisk without condition but was turned down for being “too French, even for Barry Bonds.” When the asterisk was told that the umlaut appears in several other European languages, it responded, “Oh, no, does this mean that they won’t like us? Cause I’m really worried about pissing off the Europeans right now, when my entire existence is about to be associated with a guy who looks like an over-cooked Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Really. Let me check the old asterisk-priority list pronto, cause heaven forbid we PISS OFF THE EUROPEANS, THE FOLKS WHO BROUGHT US THE GODFORSAKEN TILDE (~), BASICALLY A WANDERING, SPINELESS DASH THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SAY “NYAH.”
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I always wondered why the tilde was used largely by girls in casual e-mails, and not men. And now I know.
That is to say, men didn’t USE tildes in their e-mails, not that men were USED in e-mails. Curse miscommunication.
Mr. “*” should have noted that Mr. Bonds** did not inject*** Steroids**** into his body to unfairly gain muscle mass!
He just ate too much American Beef**** which was over saturated with Anabolic Steroids***** and happened to benefit from said Steroids.
Where is the Beef******
Did Bush inject the Beef with *******
It Bush’s fault!!!!!*******???????~~~~~~~~~M%^&@r&F@k*r$h*t
*[citation needed]
**[citation needed]
***[citation needed]
****[citation needed]
*****[citation needed]
******[citation needed]
*******[citation needed!!!!!!!]
I have a suggestion for the asterisk. Modern keyboards no longer have the cent key. Currently the cent symbol is long suffering at the hands of rap artist “50 Cent”. What better way to resurrect itself than be associated with a man who is only guilty of steroid use, rather than a man who uses lyrics such as these. I see this as a win/win situation for both the asterisk and the cent symbol.
But let’s not forget that it was ME who had the biggest impact on Bonds’ career. Without me, asterisk wouldn’t be shit as far as Bonds and his home run record is concerned…
I’m sorry, I have to jump in here. I have played second fiddle to the dollar sign since BusHitler entered the White House. Didn’t any of you notice that that was about the same time I disappeared from your keyboards? That f**cking “^” took my place by repeatedly stabbing my center, vertical line. The ~ told me he heard Rove put him up to it. Something about “after Haliburton bleeds the Iraqis dry, there won’t be a need for a cent sign”. But he’s French, so anything war-related from isn’t worth two of me.
As far as 50 Cent goes, he’s the last evidence of my existence. Sure I’m attached to lyrics like . . .
My twenty-inches spinnin’, you always see me grinin’
And you hear niggas call me grimey (grimey)
They hit me wit’ them bricks, and I ain’t pay ‘em shit
I’m outta town, they can’t find me (find me)
When I come back around, man I’ma back ‘em down
I run up bustin’ that Tec mayn (Tec mayn)
If you ain’t got a gun, and you can’t fuckin’ run
My advice is you hit the deck mayn (deck mayn)
But if you get away and come back another day
My soldiers’ll leave you wet mayn (wet mayn)
Cause we know where you be, and we know where you stay
And we’ll come trippin’ through your set mayn (set mayn)
Man you heard what I said, now get it in your head
I ain’t payin’ no fuckin’ debt mayn (debt mayn)
Cause you’se a middle man, but you don’t understand
You’se a fuckin’ fake ass connect’ mayn (connect’ mayn)
. . . but this guy is taking me places I never could have dreamed of going. I’ve lived my life being pinched, and having to hold up at places like “The .99 Cent Store”, or those f**king value menus the restaurant chains like to push. But with 50 Cent, I’m eating caviar, drinking fine wine, using lots of bitches and hos, and staying in places like the Ritz-Carlton. I don’t need no stinking Barry Bonds. I’m staying right where I am; on the coattails of a retarded rap artist.
Dollar Sign, you can kiss my ass. You’ve always thought you were better than me. But you just wait. One day, you’ll be gone too; replaced by the Euro symbol. And me? I’ll be laying poolside with a bunch of bikini-clad models laughing my ass of at you.
Gentlemen, As representative for the distinguished Mr. Colon (:), I can but wonder why we were not contacted during these negotiations. It seems to me that my client’s long association with human bowels and what they carry would be a most appropriate match for Mr. Bonds and the crap that frequently issues from his mouth. By that logic, Mr. Colon has authorized me to offer his services for a reasonable backloaded contract (at a rate much more reasonable than the greedy Mr. $), but to make sure it is understood that he’s not in this for the money. And he also asked me to warn you to please, please ignore any offers from his dumbass brother, Semi Colon; who always shows up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Dollar Sign, you can kiss my ass. You’ve always thought you were better than me. But you just wait. One day, you’ll be gone too; replaced by the Euro symbol. And me? I’ll be laying poolside with a bunch of bikini-clad models laughing my ass off at you.
Why you be hatin’, playa? I dig ya, Shorty…but I wasn’t hatin’ on you, I wuz just jammin’ up that bitch-ass asterisk who thinks he’s hot shit just because he got tight with Barry. I’ve ALWAYS had your back…and remember, you got your bling WAY before me until that damn fool Jimmuh Carter came along with his punk ass inflation…
Mebbe you ‘n me can git with Mr. Colon and Semi and get a posse together to rap about how we can bust a cap in ASSterisk’s…uh…ASS…
Brotha, I did’n kno yu ain’t be hatin’. Forward Backslash tods me youz be out to steel my job, cuz 50 wanted a “$” chain hangin’ lo. Since we bein’ honest ans allz dat; brotha, you gotsta kno sum’in. Afta Hillary’s lected, yo man, youz getin’ replaced by da Yen sign. Seez, dats why China been poisin’ all da merican kidz and shit. Hillary knowz da Pubs are poppin out mo’ babiez dan da Libs, an shez tryin’ ta brain damaje dem an shit.
Ah shit man, Vince Foster jus came tu me in vishon yo.
Ah shit man, Vince Foster jus came tu me in vishon yo.
OK, that was REALLY funny…
We’re brilliant Nigel, or strung out.
It’s brilliant Stacy.
I never fails one of those athetes gets hooked on steroids and soon their big enough to make the INCREDIBLE HULK look puny