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God Recants Earlier Statements, Now Asserting Not All Children Are Special
God Our Father issued a strongly worded proclamation earlier today that marks a clear change in Heaven’s “exceptional children” policy. In his statement, He refuted the previously held belief that all kids are special.
“I’m not quite sure when all of this ‘every child is special’ crap got started,” said a visibly weary Lord Almighty. “Although if I had to guess I’d say the late ’60s. You pump enough LSD and Grateful Dead into your system, you’ll come up with some pretty gay stuff. F***ing hippies.”
God went on to cite specific examples to bolster his case.
“It simply isn’t true. The fact is, some kids are downright ordinary, while others still are blithering idiots. Take Richie Santos. Nice enough kid, but he eats his own boogers, constantly jams stuff into electrical outlets just so he can get shocked, and can’t spell worth a Me damn. Is that special? Maybe in the slap-a-helmet-and-bib-on-him sort of way.
Or Penny Dillenbeck. Let’s take a look at her claim to specialness. Her resume includes a solid “D” average, inappropriate eye contact in social settings, and a love for thimbles. Terrific. I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict a future full of cats and microwave dinners.
Then there’s Tanner Hanrahan. This creepy little s.o.b. waits until everyone in his house is asleep, covers himself with his sister’s ‘Bratz’ dolls, and then masturbates to reruns of ‘Little House on the Prairie’. What Tanner should do is have someone videotape his escapades. At least then he can claim it as art and apply for a federal grant. How about showing a little initiative Tanner? Make the Ingalls’ proud.”
The Almighty went on to say that he plans to address the “All Dogs Go To Heaven” myth in the near future.
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Another winner BFDubya. I loved “…and a love for thimbles. Terrific.”
I can’t take the credit for this. I had divine inspiration. Actually, it was Bruce Dickinson’s brainchild and Potfry helped quite a bit as well. It was his idea to use punctuation throughout the entire article.
This is why I come here.
Like Stacy said, this is why I come here. Classic.
“F***ing hippies.”
Must be Eric Cartman’s mentor!
Great work, BFW!
Actually, it was Bruce Dickinson’s brainchild …
As was the cowbell. THE Bruce Dickinson is an effing genius!