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Yankee Fans Demand Investigation Into Losing
New York Police had more than they could handle over night as a large group of Yankee fans gathered near City Hall to call for a federal investigation into the Yankees’ early season struggles.
Chanting “We Pay More, We Deserve More” and “If We Wanted to Lose, We’d Live in Kansas City,” the group began to gather shortly after the Yankees’ loss to the Texas Rangers, and grew in size and righteous indignation as the evening turned to morning.
“We’re calling for Mayor Bloomberg to get involved, because there is clearly something vile and corrupt at work in the Yankee organization,” said protest organizer, season ticket holder, and New York lawyer Ben Arnold. “On Monday, we are filing a suit in city court requiring the Yankees to immediately cease and desist from losing. We are also demanding a World Series victory as rightful compensation for our pain and suffering over the past 3 weeks.”
A nearby Starbucks stayed open throughout the night, providing the crowd with free mocha-frappa-wappa-lattes, which only seemed to fuel their simmering displeasure.
“I’m a busy man,” said investment banker Ken Matthews. “I’ve got a big job with huge, important responsibilities, and a family that I see mostly on weekends. I need to know that certain things in my life are just going to be there, and the Yankees’ winning is one of them.”
Some wondered aloud what sort of impact the Yankees 7-10 record would have on their children.
“I won’t let my daughter watch TV or read the newspaper,” said suburban housewife Jan Smith. “I can’t have her seeing this sort of thing. Next thing you know, she’ll think it’s OK for her soccer team to lose. What happens next? Where does it stop?”
Arnold also revealed that the police were being petitioned to issue arrest warrants for Kevin Brown and Bernie Williams.
“They are simply violating our standards of decency,” he explained. “They need to be taken off the street.”
At a certain point, a man wearing a Milwaukee Brewers hat wandered through the crowd, and things got tense. He was showered with chants of “Small Market Loser” and “Give Us Ben Sheets or we’ll buy Milwaukee and call it New York West” as police ushered him past the highly caffeinated crowd.
City Hall had no comment.
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Nice. Very nice writing. I like your posts, especially the one with the fan admitting he was trying to kill Sheffield.
I made a blog recently about the New York Mets and put up a link to yours.
http://www.theblueandorange.blogspot.com
Keep up the good work.
HAHAHAHA. I lol-ed at this once. Good old yankee fans. Nice nice. One of my favorites. Maybe because there’s the possibility that this isn’t a satire at all, and that it will show up on the associated press reels tomorrow. You never know with that steinbrenner. brilliant.
Stumbled across your page. It was inspirational. Here’s something I posted in response to a fan named destinydessi who suggested on the Yankees board that we “keep Tino Carl, and Mike trade the rest.” It sounds like something that’d be up your alley, enjoy.
my first attempt at this, in the style of Potfry, so be kind :o). Remember I’m a Yankee fan attempting satire for the first time as you read this.
NEW YORK, 2005 - The New York Yankees, in an unprecedented flurry of activity, have traded 22 players from their 25 man roster today to various teams while receiving little in return.
Citing underperformance as the primary reason for the activity, General Manager Brian Cashman said “sayonara” to Hideki Matsui, and also sent Bernie Williams, Jorge Posada, Gary Sheffield, Jaret Wright, Kevin Brown, Mike Stanton, Tom Gordon, Paul Quantrill, Steve Karsay, Felix Rodriguez, Tanyon Sturtze, Alex Rodriguez, Buddy Groom, John Flaherty, Randy Johnson, Mariano Rivera, Bubba Crosby, Ruben Sierra, Jason Giambi, Rey Sanchez, Tony Womack, and even Captain Derek Jeter to various parts of the country. The team agreed to pay for all of the contracts of the now former Yankees, as owner George Steinbrenner proclaimed “I will pay whatever it takes to win, even if it means paying players whose absence contributes to our ability to win.” GM Cashman stated that the inspiration for the deals came from a fan who posted on an online message board under the name “destinydessi.”
“I just felt, that when I looked at it, this fan was right. The idea of ‘Keep Tino Carl, and Mike trade the rest’ just fit so well with our organizational philosophy. We are a team driven to be the best, and we felt these suggestions would actually lead to improvement on the field if we implemented them. As you can see today, we did, and we’re excited for what the future will bring.”
The destinations for the 23 former Yankees are as diverse as the batting averages and ERA’s on the team. From Jeter’s .338 to Flaherty and Crosby’s .200, and from Wright’s 9.15 to Groom’s 0.00, this truly was a diverse crowd. Perhaps too diverse, said one Yankee official, speaking under the condition of anonymity.
“They were all so different, you know. They all came in and thought they were the cleanup hitter and staff ace. Heck, even [Tony] Womack thought he’d be hitting fourth this year. It just wasn’t a good fit. I’m just glad [GM] Cashman found a way to make everyone happy, and to put this chapter behind us all.”
Among those who received the most interesting destinations from the deals were Jeter, Brown, Rivera, and Giambi. Jeter was dealt to Chicago for the rights to Dylan Peterson, a local 3-year old Chicago boy who hit a baseball 87 feet at a tee-ball game. As the replacement for the injured Nomar Garciaparra, he figures to bat well in Wrigley Field with its short right-center field, and the Yankees wish him well in the Friendly Confines. Despite being a newcomer, he has already been named team captain by manager Dusty Baker.
Brown was dealt to Toronto, and due to the exchange rate, his contract is unfortunately (for him) worth only $85,000 US annually. Steinbrenner and Cashman were thrilled to learn this, and they admit it was a factor in the deal.
“The deal really came down to Toronto and Texas. We knew they both needed pitching, and Toronto was willing to double Texas’s offer by agreeing to give us two buckets of practice baseballs in the trade. By then we had already agreed to pay for everything, even the shipment of the baseballs, but when we heard about the exchange rate, the deal was settled. At that point, Texas could have offered us three buckets of practice baseballs, and we would have had to politely say no.”
Rivera will now be pitching as the closer for the Boston Red Sox, who have grown increasingly frustrated with Keith Foulke’s inability to throw about 90 MPH. The Red Sox are thrilled with the acquisition, with owner John Henry stating that “Now we know he’ll be great, because we’re the only team that hit him, and he’s with us now.” However, the Red Sox owner did admit concerns with his infield and with Johnny Damon’s failure to take a shower in the past 3 months.
Giambi, the last player to receive an interesting destination, was sent to Colorado. He was promptly outrighted to Single-A Asheville and told to accept the assignment because “if you don’t you’ll become a free agent and no one will ever sign you.” After accepting the assignment, he was named the Tourists’ starting first baseman, and promptly proceeded to suffer a hamstring injury boarding his plane to Asheville. The team expects him to return in 2-3 weeks, although team doctors fear the injury may be worse than previously suspected.
As for the Yankees, the entire roster will now consist of players promoted from AAA. Andy Phillips will be the full time DH, with Tino Martinez remaining at first base. Top prospect Robinson Cano has been called up to play second everyday, and Felix Escalona will resurface as the team’s shortstop following a strong spring training. Former Tampa Bay super-sub Russ Johnson will take over third base on a full time basis, with Damian Rolls becoming the new utility man. Colin Porter will play center, Mike Vento will play left, and Mitch Jones will play right. The rotation will accomodate holdovers Mussina and Pavano with Chien-Mien Wang, Alex Graman, and Jorge Depaula. Anchoring the bullpen will be new closer Colter Bean, who will be set up by Scott Proctor and Sam Marsonek. Meanwhile, all players in the AA farm club will be promoted to AAA, and all A ballers will be bumped up to AA, as Rookie ballers will jump to A ball. A local fan named Brandon McAllister ran into Cashman in the street last night and suggested that Cashman sign some of his former high school baseball teammates to a contract in Rookie ball. Cashman told McAllister on the spot that he would do so, and proceeded to name McAllister Special Assistant to the GM for crafting the idea. McAllister was disappointed, of course, to know that he was second choice for the job, as Cashman has said publicly that it was no secret who the real hero was: destinydessi.
“Without her ideas, I just don’t think any of this would have been possible.”
And Yankee fans are just as optimistic these days, it seems.
Brandon, this is absolutely great stuff…I nearly spit my coffee out. Thanks for the contribution.
roffle!!! Great stuff, make more soon!