Subscribe
Video Shows Cheney Wanted to Euthanize Injured Hunter
A video made of this weekend’s hunting trip in which Vice President Dick Cheney shot fellow hunter Harry Whittington shows the ever-practical Vice President felt the best course of action would be to euthanize his 78 year old fellow hunter.
The tape was shot by a VP staffer who records all of Cheney’s hunting trips. The video is edited into a compilation reel called “When Dick Strikes,” which the Vice President likes to show at family Christmas gatherings.
The footage is a bit shaky, but it clearly shows the thought process that went on after Whittington folded into the snow.
“Holy shit, Harry’s down!” shouts a hunter.
“That’s my kill, asshole,” replies Cheney, ramming the butt of his rifle into the jaw of the hunter.
As the hunters converge on the spot where Whittington’s blood is beginning to darken the snow, the camera is dropped to the ground, providing a sideways view of the action. Cheney launches into a tirade.
“Fucking A, Harry, what the hell are you doing between me and a quail? How many god damn times do we have to go over the rules?”
“Arrrgh,” replies Whittington.
“What the fuck is ‘arrrgh?’ Can someone please suction the blood out of his mouth and put his teeth back in so I can hear his pathetic excuse? I had a clear shot, and now all that buckshot is buried in your old ass. I’m going to pry it out with my teeth.”
“Mr. Vice President, we should really radio in for an ambulance,” says a staffer.
“Yessss…hurts…” says Whittington trying to rise up on an elbow.
“Quit yer whining,” says Cheney, kicking the old man’s elbow out from under him. “You’re going nowhere.”
“Mr. Vice President?” asks the staffer.
“Look, Harry, I feel bad about this, but it might just be that sausage McMuffin repeating on me. But either way, you’re freaking ancient, and now you’re a freaking ancient problem. I think this might be a great place for you to call it a day, old pal. What better way to go then out here hunting.’”
“Arrgh?” says Whittington.
“Yep, out here in nature, Harry. Letting life slowly drain out of you while you watch the sun set. Ain’t nothing better, old hoss.”
“ARRRRGH!” says Whittington, looking wildly at the VP’s staffer.
“Uh, Mr. Vice President, I really don’t recommend that,” says the staffer.
“I know, feeblepuss,” replies Cheney. “You know, Harry here is feeble cause he’s older than dirt, you’re feeble cause you were born that way. I might have enough buckshot for the both of you. Uh, Harry, do you really think you can crawl away from me?”
At that point, a chopper is heard over head, and the dialogue is garbled.
The Vice President’s office said that the tape is genuine, and that copies will be made available for the public.
- Retro-Nose
- Retro Nose: Video Shows Cheney Wanted to Euthanize Injured Hunter
- Potfry Leftovers
- Top 9 Reasons Dick Cheney Shot His Hunting Partner
- TNOYF Exclusive: New Transcript Of Tony Snow’s Press Conference On Laura Bush’s Cancer
Man, that’s good stuff. Tears in my eyes, even.
Kudos!
Top notch.
I’m going to sue for the physical discomfort I just endured, launching diet cream soda from my nostrils while reading this!
This is great stuff, dude! LOL!
Great, great stuff!
It was just a Lawyer he shot! Nice shooting Mr. Cheney!
Awesome! Great, great work.
Are you aware there is an official World’s Funniest Joke?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
Today, the torch has been passed.