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Tom Cruise Uses Scientology to Aid Car Crash Victims
The news that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes stopped to aid a crash victim on Saturday seemed to reveal a normal, benevolent side to the much-maligned Hollywood couple. Or did it? The Potfry Hollywood bureau dispatched a film crew to the scene, and recorded the events as they unfolded.
Following is the transcript in its entirety.
Victim: “Help! I’m trapped in my car and very badly hurt! Someone call 911!”
Tom Cruise: “Hello. I’m Tom Cruise. I was driving by with my wife Katie Holmes and daughter Suri, and we saw that you were struggling with your physicial universe.”
Victim: “Huh? The Tom Cruise?”
Tom Cruise: “Yes.”
Victim: “My God, I don’t believe it. Can you help me? I’m losing alot of blood…”
Tom Cruise: “The operative question here is, can you help yourself.”
Victim: “MY GOD, IS THAT MY SPLEEN ON THE DASHBOARD?!? Please, Tom, call 911. I’m getting dizzy.”
Tom Cruise: “The help is from within, young thetan. Close your eyes, and form the interdependant arc triangle of understanding. Within those borders, you will find your solution.”
Victim: “Arc what?!? LISTEN, TOM, I HAVE ONE OF MY OWN RIBS STICKING OUT OF MY EYE! THIS IS NOT GOOD! Please, I won’t tell anyone you were here, just call 911!”
Tom Cruise: “Your tone scale is fading. I see it.”
Victim: “YOUR GOD-DAMN MOVIE CAREEER IS FADING, FREAK BOY!
Katie Holmes (approaching car with child Suri): “Thomas? Is everything OK?”
Victim: “KATIE! KATIE HOLMES! PLEASE HELP ME! I NEED AN AMBULANCE. Your husband seems…pre-occupied….I’m fading…”
Katie Holmes: “Tom? Is there anything we can do?”
Tom Cruise: “Sweet, dear Katie. You know there is nothing we can do. This creature must find it in themselves to survive.”
Victim: “A LITTLE HARD TO DO WHEN YOU’RE PINNED UNDER 2 TONS OF STEEL AND YOUR ANKLE IS IN YOUR MOUTH, DON’T YOU THINK? Hey, Tom, I got a newsflash for you: Risky Business sucked.”
Tom Cruise: “What a tragic soul. I must– WAIT.”
Katie Holmes: “What, Tom?”
Tom Cruise: “We must leave. He’s seen Suri.”
Victim: “HUH? HOW CAN I DO THAT WITH A RIB STUCK IN ONE EYE AND THE OTHER ROLLING IN THE GRAVEL ON THE SHOULDER? HUH, FREAK BOY?”
Katie Holmes: “Oh. I’m sorry, sir.”
Victim: “WAIT! JUST LEAVE A CELL PHONE! I CAN DIAL IT WITH MY TONGUE! WAIT, CHECK THAT, I SWALLOWED MY TONGUE. PLEASE, JUST CALL…”
Tom Cruise: “A new life awaits you, young thetan. Good day.”
Victim: “WAIT!!!-…”
(end of transcript).
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Suspending South Park and now this!! Nicole left in the nick of time.
He was almost as helpful as the IDF lady, but I think she was probably more helpful.