The “Breasts Not Bombs”(BNB) anti-war movement that began last year in Berkeley, California, when women marched with bared breasts and chanted anti-war slogans, recently spawned an offshoot movement, “Vaginas Not Violence” (VNV). Unfortunately, though, for protest organizers and hundreds of rabidly supportive male fans who turned out en masse, the initial protest march was an unmitigated failure.

“Vaginas Not Violence” was the idea of a small group of women who had initially filed suit against the “Breasts Not Bombs” organization. They claimed that BNB’s emphasis on enormous sagging milk-sacks discriminated against women who had smaller tweeters, as well as transgender pacifists who were entirely tweeter-less. The suit was settled out of court when it was decided that the “Breasts Not Bombs” franchise could extend into new areas of exposure.

The VNV inaugural march, which was announced on local radio, drew an overwhelming crowd of anti-war men, many who brought folding chairs and coolers, and their sons. At first, it seemed that “Vaginas, Not Violence” would carry the day, as dozens of angry women awkwardly paraded their vulva in a show of unrepentant wrath. It was just as the protest was gaining rhythm that 84 year old VNV member Dorothy Parker decided, tragically, to drop into her “anti-war crab crawl”. Suddenly, the momentum shifted, as gasps of horror and revulsion rippled through a now rapidly thinning crowd. Many fled, cradling six packs under one arm and shielding their sons’ eyes with the other.

“Capturing the magic of ‘Breasts Not Bombs’ is clearly harder than we imagined.” said VNV organizer Helen Harper. “For starters, it’s a bitch to march with your legs spread. Many of the women reported leg cramps and had to leave the march. The problem we face is one of simple anatomy: the vagina is a much more subtle organ than the breast. Except, obviously, in Dorothy Parker’s case. I don’t care what your politics are, that thing isn’t for the faint of heart.”

The VNV plans to re-form under a new, un-announced name.

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