Dear Fans:

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to address my recent suspension from baseball.

I would have written this sooner, but I keep getting crank phone calls from Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, who yell “NEVER, EVER, PERIOD!” into the phone and then hang up, laughing hysterically. The Bash Brothers apparently think they are very funny. But we should not think anything is funny when it comes from intentional steroid users, particularly when their victims are the unintentional steroid users, like me.

So, where should I start? A few weeks ago, they told me that I had tested positively for some type of steroid. I was shocked. Didn’t you see my testimony before Congress, I asked? You must have the wrong pee pee. I am Rafael Palmeiro, Viagra-popping Latin King and protector of all that is sacred in the world. For weeks, we argued back and forth, and for a while, I believed that the arbitrator had succumbed to my potent charm and pearly white teeth. But alas, it did not work. The arbitrator ruled that since I unintentionally used steroids, he would unintentionally suspend me. Funny guy.

So how did steroids get into my body? I can not answer. Like most humans, I have several bodily openings, and cannot be guarding each of them, 24/7. Stuff happens, you know? You go to a party, you have a little too much to drink, and the next thing you know, you’re crying like Mark McGwire in front of Congress. But it’s unintentional. I am a man of my word. Never. Ever. Period. If you could see me right now, you’d see a man in his underpants pointing at you very firmly. Picture me now, I insist. Do you see it? It is very convincing, I know.

Perhaps I should have noticed that something was wrong when my love club stopped working. I heard from some of the guys that steroids can make your Johnson go limp, but boy, I had no idea. What’s wrong with Mr. Happy? my wife would cry. It was sad. If you were here, you would see a man in his underpants pointing with tears in his eyes.

So, my fans, I want to say thank you for your support. In 10 days, I will be back to continue my decline as a baseball player. For now I have to go. But first a shout-out to my man, Barry Bonds. Barry! Fight the power!

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