The New Jersey Senate race between Tom Kean Jr (Republican) and Bob Menendez (Democrat) has featured some hard-hitting advertising that has left many potential voters befuddled as to the truth behind the claims.  In an effort to understand the messaging, the TNOYF research staff has spent the past week analyzing the volumes of communication that have hit NJ airwaves during this campaign.  Herewith, as a service to our Garden State TNOYF readers, we offer a brief distillation of what each campaign wants you to believe about their opponent.

Tom Kean, Jr.

Tom Kean starts each day by eating a poor person for breakfast, served to him by a stable of butlers and attendants.  Before his round of morning polo (in which the head of a homeless man from Camden is used for a ball), he spends a half hour in the Kean Family room, where he and his father reaffirm their ancestral connection to blue-blooded British types, who either owned slaves or coveted them.  If you are worried that Kean might try and bring back slavery, we will do absolutely nothing to allay your fears.

Not only does Tom Kean, Jr. not know what a gallon of milk costs, neither does his butler, who sub-contracts the job to a sub-butler who is chauffeured to the local grocery store.

Kean recently paid an exorbitant sum for a colon operation that made his gas smell like daisies.  When he is asked a difficult question by a reporter, he will silently break wind and ask, “My gosh.  Do you smell daisies?” as a diversion.

Bob Menendez

Bob Menendez is, in all likelihood, an illegal Mexican immigrant.  If he’s not, he knows some, or has smuggled some into the country during one of his many visits to drug cartels in Mexico.   

Menendez.  Say it with us.  Sounds like the guy who cuts your lawn, right?  Well, remember the week the authorities showed up at your house took Paco away, and the lawn went un-cut?  Now look at the picture of Bob Menendez and think of your overgrown lawn.  See the connection? 

Bob Menendez often looks uncomfortable during interviews because he’s got a baggy of heroin in his colon.  He’s been arrested so many times that the cops have to use special hand-cuffs that they call “Bob Bracelets,” otherwise he escapes and robs banks and eats more children.  Did we mention he likes to eat children?   Where did you think all those missing children went? 

Related posts 

1. Sheehan Unveils “Americans Suck” Campaign Theme
2. Note to Potfry readers
3. New Huckabee Campaign Ad Takes High Road
4. Bush Compromises On Sheehan Meeting, Appoints Menendez Brothers As Special Presidential Envoy
5. Cindy Sheehan Unveils “Americans Suck” Campaign Theme for Senate Run