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Hillary Clinton Caught Eating Child
(Originally posted August, 2005)
Former First Lady Hillary Clinton’s presidential aspirations took a hit yesterday when she was allegedly caught by several reporters in the act of eating a small child.
The events took place at the Albany Park Hotel, where Senator Clinton had just given a speech on proposed improvements to the Child Welfare System. After her finishing remarks, Clinton shook hands with many of the families in attendance, before retiring to a backroom with her staff.
As reporters and others in attendance began to file out, several got confused in the labyrinth of hallways near the lobby.
“We got lost trying to leave the hotel,” said reporter John McCabe of the Albany Post Union. “And found ourselves wandering around the hallways behind the convention room, looking for the exit that would put us out in the parking lot. That’s when I saw…..it. It was horrid. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She was…the senator….was gnawing on a child….and her staff were standing there, fascinated….it was…my God…”
McCabe’s photographer partner, Arnie Schmidt, also saw Clinton, and corroborated McCabe’s story.
“The senator was dining on a child,” said Schmidt. “She was growling and mewling as she devoured the flesh, cackling something in a strange, ancient tongue. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. She’s apparently quite evil.”
The pair were spotted by a Clinton aide, who chased them from the building, but not before Schmidt was able to shoot off several pictures.
“Wait’ll the Republicans get a hold of this,” he lamented. “They’ll start running ads that say, ‘Do you want a child-eater as President?’ That’s got to hurt her chances in the red states.”
Clinton’s Camp dismissed the claims as part of the right-wing conspiracy obsessed with discrediting the former first Lady, and said that any forthcoming pictures could easily be created with photoshop using some shots from the senator at a Fourth of July barbeque.
“Once again,” said Clinton Chief of Staff Tamera Luzatto, “ the religious right knows no boundaries in the outlandish, ridiculous stories they’ll create to paint the Senator in a negative light. Let me state clearly: Senator Clinton is a friend to children everywhere, and has never consumed any of them.”
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Of course, if Her Highness did eat a child, then the snot-nosed little bastard had it coming to him!
You forgot “vast.”