French doctors have performed the world’s first face transplant on a woman badly mauled by her own dogs, using the lips, chin and nose of a brain dead woman from the North of France. This radical and controversial first in transplant surgery has prompted widespread speculation among the world’s medical community that another Franco-first might be right around the corner: the long-awaited transplant of a spine into a French male.

Indeed, the horrifying attack on the 38 year old woman left her unable to speak and eat without severe discomfort, not to mention resembling a poorly delivered pepperoni pizza. The French Organ Procurement Agency authorized the transplant despite protests from French ethical authorities that the risks, especially of psychological damage, were too great. This raging debate was refereed by the French Office of Controversial Transplant Mediation, with help from the FCRPDRP (French Committee to Reduce Public Displays of Repulsive People).

But with the ground-breaking surgery finished, many have wondered aloud if French medical technology has now progressed enough to attempt the first spine transplant, up until now only a collective national dream and the subject of many sad French folk songs.

“We think we might be there,” said Dr. Pierre LaFleur, who headed the facial transplant team. “It’s time that we took a good hard look at giving our young men some vertebrae. We just need a donor. Well, a bunch of them.”

Others in France were not so sure.

“We are who we are,” said one French government official who preferred to remain anonymous. “What we lack in courage we more than make up for in other areas, like love-making and whining. If wars were fought on these principles, we would be unbeatable. We are a love-making, whining superpower.”

U.S. and British Military strategists were predictably overjoyed at the news that France was considering the spine transplant surgery.

“If it works, this will change the whole European military theater,” said one Pentagon staffer. “Our computer simulations will no longer have “Week 2: France defeated” as a default step in the software. We might be able to get Week 5 or even 6 out of them.
Any chance that while we have them under anesthesia, we can take their tongues out?”

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