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Defiant Iran Says It Will Not Hesitate to Use Sand In Conflict with U.S.
As the war of words between the United States and Iran escalated this week, an Iranian diplomat raised the stakes even higher by dropping the dreaded s-bomb on some American reporters who were asking him what sort of action the Iranian military would take in a conflict.
“If our existence depended on it,” said Abdabandada Hapawanzzatba, “we’ll resort to sand as a weapon. It’s cruel, and even beneath our standards, but-“
He was cut off by the screams of a reporter.
“Mother of God, no! Not the tiny granules of death! Where does it go from there, Abdabandada? How can you stop the escalation? It will be madness, I tell you. Sand-filled madness.”
Hapawanzzatba tried to back pedal.
“It would only be in a limited theater, where we were in danger of losing critical areas. It would not be wholesale sand warfare. That’s unspeakable.”
Sadly, the CIA has confirmed that elite Iranian troops are being trained to use sand in combat. Sand combat experts from the Sudan and Libya, where horrifying but unsubstantiated stories of sand use in combat are legendary, have arrived in Iran to aid in training.
Although Geneva Convention laws governing the use of poison gas and torture have been violated in recent years, UN officials hoped there was an unspoken agreement among nations that no one wanted to be the first to cross the “sand line.” Unfortunately, that seems to be changing, and quickly. Unlike with bayoneting, where Iranians practice on captured infidels and adulterous Iranian women, sand use is being practiced on dogs. The Iranian military leaders believe that seeing first hand the impact of sand on a human will be simply too demoralizing to Iranian troops.
According to one CIA agent, the Iranians believe that a well-trained team of advance troops might be able to infiltrate a U.S. camp overnight, and fill all boots and undergarments with sand. The horrifying scenario has U.S. planners up at night, their heads filled with the cries of squirming, uncomfortable GIs.
“We shudder a lot,” said the agent. “There’s no defense against it. It gets in your teeth, up your nose, in your ear. It makes me itchy just talking about it.”
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This story is obviously taken from a CIA Report (Top Secret, US (and Israel) Eyes Only).
Such intelligence demands a massive airstrike on Iranian sand mining and development facilities immediately, if not sooner.
Sand has also been linked with al Qaeda.
I say we start stockpiling sand of our own! The children need to start sacrificing to learn the price of sweet freedom. We must confiscate all available sand from playground sandboxes. Writing to my representatives now (ok, I would if I had any. But I live in DC. You should write to yours!)
i think we need to look into it more, all the sand storms in iraq? aren’t the location of these sand “storms” awfully coincodental? i’d bet its iranian storm troopers (3rd Sand Brigade)