Dear Mr. Steinbrenner:

I don’t typically write letters to famous people. They usually don’t get answered, or the police show up at my house, go through my drawers, and remind me of the restraining order handed down after my unfortunate Barbra Streisand incident.

Anyway, I read this morning in the Newark Star Ledger that you are talking about signing Johnny Damon next year if the Red Sox don’t extend his contract.

Time out.

I can certainly see the attraction in Damon. There aren’t a lot of good centerfielders on the market, Bernie’s in his twilight years, and the Yanks could use a classic lead-off hitter, because, well, we’ve been deprived long enough. But the best reason for signing Damon is the impact it would have on Boston, right? Johnny Damon, the self-styled “idiot,” hero of the 2004 ALCS, a Yankee. I bet you’d pay just about anything to see the look on John Henry’s face when Damon takes his first spin in the Yankee barber chair, eh? Then imagine the photo session: you and Johnny, both in crisp white turtlenecks. It creates a naughty tingly feeling, doesn’t it?

Well, I’ve had an epiphany, Mr. Steinbrenner. I’ve been struck down on the proverbial road to Damascus. It’s time to stop the madness.

Whatever happens this year, do not sign Johnny Damon.

It’s been a great run, these past 8 years. 4 World Series Championships, the playoffs every year, epic battles with the Red Sox. It’s been a veritable smorgasbord of baseball success, and we thank you. Last year was a bit, um, painful, but with the help of time, some good doctors, and copious amounts of happy pills, we’ve gotten over it. In fact, just last week in group session I had a break-through: I wrote “World Champion Boston Red Sox” without the violent shuddering and nausea.

But enough about me. You have been willing to spend freely, incurring the wrath of most of the country in the process, who apparently believe that the Yankees should not use all their resources to try and win. Yankee fans, in turn, have vigorously defended your free agent splurges as a manifestation of free market economics. The very back bone of democracy. To not spend would be almost communist.

But here’s the thing. If success in baseball is measured by championships, your return on investment for the past four years has declined significantly. This is not to say that we believe it is our God-given right to win the World Series every year (despite what they say in Boston). But it’s hard to not compare the last four years with the four that preceded them (1996-2000). Sales are down, acquisitions are up, and the shareholders are getting restless. It’s time to stop buying everything that ain’t nailed down.

But it runs deeper than dollars, George. It’s about standards. Remember that time at the 1981 World Series you, ah, fought with the two guys in the elevator to protect New York’s good name? The best fight no one ever saw? I don’t think the George Steinbrenner who rearranged the dental work on those two thugs would have signed Johnny Damon.

I was able to get used to Roger Clemens. It took time, but eventually, he seemed to fit in. But times have changed. The rivalry, always a living, breathing thing, is now a seething, vile boil of hot, rancid pus. Put Johnny Damon on the Yankees, and you take that away from us.

You see George, there is a line, and you don’t cross it, even if it means you might lose. Johnny Damon is that line. Nothing against the little troll, mind you. If you can get past the self-absorption, I’m sure he’s a delightful, well-mannered young man. He plays centerfield like a gazelle, hits homeruns, and steals bases.

But let him do it in Boston, or someplace else. We’ve got a guy. His name is Bubba Crosby, and he deserves a shot at being the next centerfielder of the New York Yankees.

While you’ve been fighting evil and courting free agents, Crosby’s been running into walls in an effort to get noticed. He’s not a “can’t-miss-kid”, which makes him work even harder. He’s a slightly older rookie, who’s pretty much ready to die for a chance to play for the Yankees. Let him be your fifth outfielder this year, get some more swings under his belt. And then next year, let him play. He’ll be much cheaper than Damon, the fans will love him, and his nothing-to-lose style will inspire the veterans around him.

I’ll say this now: I’d rather lose with Bubba Crosby than win with Johnny Damon.

The universe has its order, George. Don’t mess with it. Johnny Damon is not a Yankee.

It’s the way things ought to be.

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