Subscribe
Bin Laden says “Jihad-thing” just a phase; wants to be chef
In a surprising interview with Barbara Walters that will be broadcast later this month on ABC, Al Queada leader Osama Bin Laden reveals that he’s grown bored with terrorism and wishes desperately to go to cooking school so that he can become a chef.
The interview was the result of months of behind the scenes negotiations, and almost never happened, according to inside sources.
Those sources indicated that Walters originally wanted Bin Laden to appear on a special “The View, Live from Pakistan,” but negotiations broke down because Bin Laden wanted to slaughter Starr Jones live on the program as a peace offering to the American people. Desperate to bolster anemic ratings, show producers entertained the demand until network executives discovered that Jones’ contract had specific language that prohibited her on-air execution. Walters finally agreed to meet with Bin Laden one-on-one.
Bin Laden addresses many topics during the one hour conversation, revealing a wistful quality that was less apparent in his audio tapes advocating world destruction.
“People change, Barbara,” he says at one point. “It’s…challenging…to keep the fire of jihad burning when you’re being spooned each night by a mold-infested Afghani who’s dreaming about his virgins.”
“Osama! I’m seeing a new side of you,” replies Walters, temporarily lowering a veil emblazoned with The View, Weekdays 11AM EST, ABC. “Other than your late night butt buddies, is there a special jihadista in your life?”
“Yes, in a way,” says Bin Laden, pensively gazing into the sky. “I have found a lover. One that does not have a beard that smells of chopped leeks, and does not constantly insist that I try his shish kebob, if you get my drift. My new love is cooking.”
ABC was reluctant to divulge more of the interview, but did say that during a tour of the terrorist’s kitchen, the lanky Bin Laden ties back his hair in a bun and puts on his favorite apron, which says, “I’d tell you the recipe, but then I’d have to kill you.”
- Buckley F. Williams and Potfry Present: “The Blog of the Week” Contest
- The Buckley & Potfry Experiment Is Here!
- The Buckley & Potfry Experiment Is Here!
- The Potfry Interview at Basil’s Blog
- Osama Bin Laden: Behind The Jihad
I just found your blog because you are the next one to me and I pressed the wrong button. God, you’re funny.
Have you no standards Barbara? Commercialising Mr bin Laden is appalling and liable to put terrorism in disrepute.
Pete
Glad to hear you’re back from Argentina. Or as this illiterate fool in my spanish class calls it: “Argererntina”.
Do you still have your kidneys?
Also, I was surprised Barbara Walters didn’t ask Osama if he makes salad sauces with wine or not, given the alcohol in wine.
I was also shocked to hear of Felix the Cat’s arrest. Somewhere in the world, Donald Duck is wiring money to Switzerland…
Billiant idea to use the veil as sort of a “living billboard” - imagine the burqa used to advertise things - cigarettes, beer, real estate agents, you name it. - like those cars that drive around with signage painted on them - women could earn a little pocket change by selling the backs or fronts of their burqas to advertisers.
Thanks everyone.
Yes, I have my kidneys, but I am missing sleep.
More soon…
Hi. When you guys finally find bin Laden, let me know. I wanna rip his beard off real slow, but not until after I’ve punched his crooked nose into his skull. When his beard grows back I’ll rip it off again. And again. And again… and again…