We here at The Nose On Your Face were very fortunate to sit down with Senator John Kerry to discuss his recent controversial statements.

Buckley F. Williams: Senator Kerry, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. I know how busy you are.

Senator John Kerry: My pleasure.

BFW: Clearly there is one question that is on everyone’s mind at this time: is the correct spelling “c-a-t-s-u-p” or the more commonly seen “k-e-t-c-h-u-p”?

SJK: Interestingly enough, both of these spellings are considered improper in the industry today. In deference to our Muslim friends we have changed it to “Q-’-a-t-s-u-p”. Furthermore, it is now considered good form to kneel and bow towards Heinz corporate headquarters when smacking the heck out of the bottle to try and get the Q’atsup flowing.   

BFW: Fascinating. I’ll be sure to make note of the changes. Now, you got yourself into some hot water the other day when you said that if a person receives an education then they can reasonably expect to do well in life, if they do not they will get stuck in Iraq. Do you stand by this statement?

SJK: First of all Buckley, let me just say that John F. Kerry apologizes to no man! I don’t have time what with apologizing to all of the women. But seriously, when I made that comment I was looking out for our servicemen. Do you think that wealthy heiress divorcees run in military circles? Do they fancy dressing up in fatigues and placing themselves in harms way? Of course not. If a man is going to find a woman that is going to give him the finer things in life, he simply must put himself in a collegiate, preferably Ive League, setting.

BFW: So your grievance with military service in Iraq is not over the war itself, but rather because of the dearth of rich women for our soldiers to meet?

SJK: Precisely. If the troops in Iraq had access to upper crust Mesopotamian women with oil-backed trust funds I would obviously change my opinion, but the simple fact is they do not. Those sort of women congregate in Northeastern Ivy League Schools, not Middleastern Fig League Slums.

BFW: And why exactly is it so important to marry a wealthy heiress?

SJK: Look at this face. Pretty. Clean-cut. Well-bred features. Seemingly untouched by the hands of time, wouldn’t you agree? I was born in 1857, sir. You heard that right, 1857. Granted, time and gravity have had some elongating effects on my facial structure but you have to admit that I look pretty darn good for a man who is about to celebrate his sesquicentennial birthday. You do not receive this sort of care on a military paycheck.

BFW: Wow. You look great for your age. In your opinion Senator Kerry, do the troops today have it easier than you did during your days of military service?

SJK: Unquestionably. They have fancy weaponry, sophisticated air power and a well-coordinated command infra-structure. On top of that they have digital cameras and hand-held video recorders to capture the action. When I served in Vietnam I had to commission my camera crew with money out of my own pocket. They’ve got it much better today.

BFW: That just about wraps up our interview with Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts. Thanks again Senator.

SJK: You’re welcome.         

Related posts 

1. Kerry Blasts Bush’s “Cowboy Diplomacy” Urges “Brokeback Option” With Iran
2. Kerry Apologizes For Using Polysyllabic Words To Question Troops Intelligence
3. Ike Turner On Iraqi Women’s Rights
4. TNOYF Exclusive: John Kerry Uses Clever Disguise To Bash Bush
5. Kerry Sees Shadow: His Underpants, U.S. Hardest Hit