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TNOYF Exclusive: Transcript Of New York Times’ Brainstorming Session Following McCain-Iseman Scandal
TNOYF’s New York Times mole has provided us with another behind the scenes transcript of an editorial brainstorming session. As amateurs in the fake news business, we find we can learn a lot from the masters.
Let’s listen in!
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Bill Keller, NY Times Editor
Good morning everyone. As many of you know, there was a bit of a dust-up over the John McCain-Vicki Iseman piece we ran last week. For the life of me, I cannot understand why, but my sense is we’ve once again overestimated the ability of the average American to extrapolate the truth from a careful blend of innocuous facts and New York Times-grade supposition. Whatever the case, the important thing is that we need to keep our heads in the game and get back to the rock-solid journalism that has made the New York Times the “paper of record.” Okay, what have you got for me today?
Paul Krugman
Hey chief, I have it on good authority from my wife’s rolfing therapist, who has another client who once took a class at a community college where the instructor knew a Vietnam vet who was in combat with another guy who had some pretty interesting things to say about Senator McCain.
I’m listening.
Turns out Senator Straight Talk took a liking to the taste of human flesh during his time in ‘Nam. More specifically, it seems that his favorite food came directly off of the bones of young Asian boys. Thigh meat was his meal of choice, although he apparently wouldn’t turn down any parts, if you know what I mean.
Can we verify any of this?
Well, it depends on how you’re defining “verify.” If it’s the antiquated “prove” definition, not exactly. However, when you take “verify” in its modern, more progressive definition, we feel pretty comfortable that its true.
Well, we are progressive.
With a capital “P,”chief.
Great, this one has definite potential. While I’d like to see some more sourcing, don’t let it get in the way of bringing a critical piece of information to the American people. I’ve got to believe that once they see the element of interracial cannibalism, they won’t be interested in any petty journalistic squabbles about appropriate sourcing. Maureen, what have you got?
Maureen Dowd
I had a dream last night that McCain trafficked in child pornography in the late 1990s.
I like it so far. Any details?
Yes, it was one of those incredibly vivid, lifelike dreams that you just know is grounded in reality. It’s like I was right there watching him at his computer with his pants around his ankles as he hit the “bookmark this” option on his latest bit of kiddie smut. If I actually believed in hell, he would deserve to rot in it!
That sick bastard. Okay, this one is good too. Damn good. We still have some room on the front page though. Anybody else?
Scott Shane
What would you say if I told you that John McCain not only engages in repeated, extremely kinky extra-marital affairs, but does so with animals on the endangered species list?
He wouldn’t dare…
Oh yes he would. Marine turtles. Baby pandas–
Not the-
Yes. The spotted owl.
NOOOOOOOO!
Yes. In fact, occasionally he would enjoy the company of several species at the same time. Something the good Senator refers to as a “menage a fauna.”
I am simply speechless. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, someone tops it with a monstrously depraved act like this. Sources?
Not “traditional” sources, no. But I’ve got a really strong hunch about this one.
I respect a journalist who goes with his instincts. Well done. Okay folks, we lead with Scott’s piece. Let’s get a move on. The news isn’t just going to happen on its own! Let’s move!
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OUCH! That one drew blood! Very Nice Job!
Scott Shane: What would you say if I told you that John McCain not only engages in repeated, extremely kinky extra-marital affairs, but does so with animals on the endangered species list? …yes he would. Marine turtles. Baby pandas…Yes. The spotted owl.
Yes. In fact, occasionally he would enjoy the company of several species at the same time. Something the good Senator refers to as a “menage a fauna.”
Williams F. Buckley, I think you have outted the NYT. Is that including Men Age Fauna? It sounds horrible!
But, you forgot the far worse story. McCain snuck out of the Hanoi Hilton, jumped in his fighter jet and napalm bombed all of his victims into ashes leaving no trace.
To add insult to injury, the whole thing was financed by the suspected law breaker Louis P. Menage. It’s all in the NYT.
[NYT]
MINNEAPOLIS, March 21 — Some fresh proof that interest in matters scientific is confined to no one section of the country is found in the results of the Menage scientific expedition to the Philippine Islands, an expedition which has been fruitful for science. The expedition was fitted out by Mr. Louis P. Menage, a resident at the time of the City of Minneapolis, now a fugitive from justice in South America.
See: Menage expedition to the Philippines
How did real humor manage to exist before TNOYF? Oh, never mind, it didn’t.
Rotfl!!!! I thought you wrote fake news here?
I have to ask: was that an andriod automoton playing the part of Dowd?
Truth is funnier than fiction.
“Truth is funnier than fiction.”
I agree. That fact certainly makes it a challenge to mock these people.
Thanks. It’s hilarious to make fun of the arrogant elitists at “the paper of record” aka America’s Pravda.