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Retro-Nose: Women’s Prayer Group Vows to Carry Out Pat Robertson’s Decree Against Hugo Chavez
Security around Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been beefed up in recent days, as authorities have learned that he is the target of a gang of blue-haired Nebraskan women who have arrived in Venezuela to carry out the orders of Pat Robertson. Chavez is currently hiding out at at an undisclosed location, while the Lincoln Nebraska chapter of the Sunday Morning Sisters (SMS) is apparently roaming the Venezuelan mountains, planning their strike.
Authorities are just now piecing together the details of the Nebraska SMS group, who all went missing last Tuesday shortly after Robertson’s suggestion that the United States should assassinate the Venezuelan president. They believe the ring leader is Dorothy “the Rosary Queen” Figgins, who hosted bi-weekly prayer meetings of the group in her Lincoln, Nebraska living room and was a devoted member of Robertson’s 700 Club. Figgins was renowned in the community for her fire and brimstone diatribes against “sinners,” as well as her rhubarb pie, which took home a blue ribbon at the Nebraska State Fair in 2005.
According to SMS members who did not make the journey to Venezuela due to Bingo commitments, the women were gathered in Figgins’ home watching the 700 club when Robertson issued his decree.
“We all felt that if it wasn’t the Word of God, it was pretty darn close,” said Helen Johnson. “As soon as we could get everyone up off the sofa, we sprang into action. Unfortunately Mildred Arnold dislocated her hip, so we decided to nap for a bit before trying again. We were going to do God’s work, and bag us some Venezuelan Heathen Ass!”
Police are desperately trying to track the group’s path. Their first break came when a Chevy Van belonging to group member Mayrose Nelson was ticketed for driving too slow on Interstate 50 in Texas. FBI and CIA agents descended on the area, and learned from eyewitnesses that a camouflage-clad group of old women had stopped at a Denny’s near Waco for an early bird special. The trail grew cold from there, and authorities notified Mexican police to be on the look out for group, presumed to be armed and dangerous.
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Reading this blog always makes me laugh even if I am having a rotten day.
Word is Prez Hugo running real scared and poopoo his pants. He say “All 70+ Gringo mommas gonna be dropped in Bingo Camps and troop-shipped to Bush (Baby) Austin Ranch pronto - as punishment”.