The White House released the findings of their independent report on the federal response to Hurricane Katrina on Thursday. Some of their recommendations for a more efficient response to future disasters occurring on U.S. soil include:

• The Defense Department and the Homeland Security Department should work together to identify tribes of cannibals, head hunters, witch doctors and other potentially dangerous native groups ahead of time.
• The Justice Department should place Sean Penn, his camera crew, his stylist, his manicurist and his personal biographer on house arrest immediately after a disaster strikes.    
• Lt. General Russell Honore should be placed in charge of all media relations. His responsibilities should include, but are not limited to, dealing with reporters who are: stuck on stupid, blinded by bias and in a rut due to retardation.
• Michael Moore’s hidden caches of Lil’ Debbie snack cakes and Zagnut bars should be confiscated to provide emergency relief for disaster victims.
• Bring on Captain Steubing, Gopher and Julie to coordinate emergency housing needs. (Editors note: A White House spokesman stated that although she has repeatedly volunteered her services as a “special guest disaster alleviation specialist”, at this time it is not recommended that aging Latina bombshell Charo be involved in the relief efforts.)   
• Creating a stockpile of vanilla pudding and white chocolate to be used in balancing the overall confectionery mixture in heavily dark chocolate disaster regions. 

Thanks to: Argghhh!!! & Mudville

Technorati tags: White House, Hurricane Katrina, Humor, Satire, report

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