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On The Campaign Trail With John Edwards
After his triumphant entry into the presidential campaign in New Orleans, John Edwards has embarked on an ambitious campaign tour that will take him to the front lines of the issues he feels are important to the country. TNOYF was lucky enough to accompany the former North Carolina senator as he traversed the globe….
“Hello again America. While I would have liked to rest for a while after all the hard work in New Orleans, we unfortunately have another crisis on our hands. Just a couple of weeks ago, a huge part of the Canadian ice shelf broke off. I quickly flew to investigate, without so much as changing the nappy button-down shirt I was wearing in New Orleans.
To provide some perspective, the ice shelf is the size of a small city, but smaller than the total real estate I own in North Carolina. But even more frightening is that, using special navigational software developed by Al Gore, we’re reasonably certain that this floating, frost-riddled nightmare has set a course for New Orleans. Imagine: first, a government-created category 4 hurricane. Now, a giant ice cube, gathering speed, reportedly carrying angry, displaced Eskimos. Once this iceberg of death makes landfall in the Big Easy, I’m afraid all hell will break loose. In fact, let me take this opportunity to ask my new friends in New Orleans: do not to ask the Eskimos to show you their t*ts under any circumstances. It is against their religion and also a rather unpleasant sight.
But why did this tragedy happen? Well, it’s quite complicated, but the answer is ‘chlorofluorocarbons,’ which is a fancy word Al Gore made up for hairspray. Chlorofluorocarbons destroy the ozone layer, which is like a big piece of saran wrap about a mile or so up in the sky. When you use hairspray, it’s as if you’ve sat down to a big old plate of “ozone pie.” The Kyoto Treaty, which George Bush refused to sign, would have regulated hair spray use. But because we are not signatores, blue-haired old ninnies in my home state of North Carolina spray that toxic goop willy-nilly and now we’ve got renegade ice cities bearing down on poor black people who are still damp from the last government-induced tragedy. It’s yet another example of the two Americas I’ve been talking about: the innocents of this great land who live below sea level and are unfairly targeted by rogue ice shelves, and those who aren’t.”
Look for further installments this week of “On The Campaign Trail with John Edwards.”
- On the Campaign Trail With John Edwards (Part II)
- Edwards Endorsement Brings Crucial Swing Voters Into Play For Obama
- Robert Byrd To Help Hamas “Get Whites Their Whitest”
- Edwards Asks Supporters for 100K To Fight Coulter Bigotry And Finally Get Lavender Tour Bus
- Lost Boy Scout Saga Has Happy Ending, Jacko’s Fingerprints Not On This One
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 at 10:32 am and is filed under Conservative satire, Environment, Fake News, Politics, Satire.
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I would suggest that Barrister Edwards immediately file a lawsuit against this rogue ice cube before it kills more blacks below sea level. At the bare minimum shouldn’t Edwards get a court injunction against the further movement of said killer ice cube and it’s disgruntled Eskimos? Surely this is a job for the court system.
Maybe James Cameron should make a documentary of it. Leo can play Edwards. Maybe Hillary could be the ice cube. Or Ice Cube himself. Hmmm, that one’s a toss-up.
http://www.thenoosewire.blogspot.com
Fortunately we’ll all die from the giant meteor that has been deflected by the Chinese laser, before we see this behemoth hit Nawlins.
Sorta Blogless Sunday Pinup
And a Happy Sunday to all. Global Warming as caused by Man is sure making it cold outside, eh? Well, you know that Global Warming, er, Climate Change, is going to make things hotter, colder, wetter, drier, right? Snicker.
BTW, this one was by Peter Dr…