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John Edwards: “I Channeled Baby And It’s Not Mine”
Hello and good day. We must interrupt Christine Amanpour’s riveting docudrama “You Say Terrorist, We Say Freedom Fighter” to allow presidential candidate John Edwards an opportunity to address today’s breaking story from the National Enquirer. Senator Edwards, what say you to these allegations that you are the father of an unborn child who’s mother, Rielle Hunter, once worked on your campaign?
Well, Wolf, needless to say, I’m floored by these allegations. And while it’s impossible to overstate the impact they are having on my wife Elizabeth’s health, you can be sure I’ll try. As you know, Elizabeth’s breast cancer is no longer in remission, and the doctors warned us that any further stress would send her tumors into a metastatic orgy that wouldn’t end until each of her vital organs had been devoured.
Um, I’m sorry to hear that, Senator, and the secular healing thoughts of everyone at CNN are with Elizabeth. But to these allegations–
Have you ever heard the sound of a spleen being eaten by cancer, Wolf?
I’m not sure I have, Senator.
Have you seen “Alien?”
Senator, I’m very sorry, but we have limited time and I’m sure you want to address these allegations.
Sure Wolf. It’s not your spleen.
OK. Yes, I saw “Aliens.”
Too late. Let’s move on.
OK. Can you address these allegations?
Yes I can, Wolf. Rather than engage in an exhausting game of “he said/she said,” I decided to go the source to exonerate myself.
The source?
Yes, Wolf. You may recall that I have extensive experience communicating with unborn children, from my time as a litigator.
You, uh, spoke to the baby?
I like to call it fetus whispering, Wolf. Let’s remember, it’s not really a “baby” yet.
I’m appalled that I said “baby.” I meant “fetus.”
Sure, you’ll call a quivering mass of cells a “baby” but you’ve got no love for Elizabeth’s spleen.
So, uh, what did the fetus tell you?
The fetus, who wishes to be called Steve, confirmed that I am not its father.
That’s all?
No. The fetus also expressed fear about the widening gap between the rich and the poor.
Th- um, uh…
My gift is often a burden, Wolf.
Anything else, Senator, that you want to say about these allegations?
There is, Wolf. I’d like your viewers to see this sonogram of the baby.
Look closely.
Now, do you really think I could have sired a creature with hair like that?
That looked like-
–someone else’s fetus! You’re right, Wolf! Anyhoo, I’ve got to tend to Elizabeth. Pretty sure I just heard her gall bladder pop.
Thank you, Senator.
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Yuck, the gall splattering everywhere. No more honey-mustard salad dressing for a month.
“I Believe Steve” will be my new bumper sticker
That’s gotta be the funniest thing I’ve seen. I wish to someday have the creativity you guys have.
Dude…seriously…that was awesome!
“I believe Steve” has a certain ring to it, John. We may have to use it. You do realize your comments are the property of The Nose On Your Face, All Rights Reserved?
Blast your black hearts
Those earthquakes around the world are the energy exit points of the Clinton campaign jumping up and down out of sheer joy.
**Hillary says “one down, one to go”**
That baby is clearly not his–it is obviously Al Sharpton’s baby. Thank God because for a second I thought that John Edwards’ #3 spot in the campaign was in jeopardy.
You guys have a great Christmas–look forward to invading your site even more in ‘08 and I continue to do less work and more blogging. (I should be bankrupt sometime around June).
One of my best memories of 2007 was waking up one Sunday morning in June and being lead here by Dr. Sanity’s Carnival of the Insanities. What I discovered was one of funniest blogs on the planet. Smart, inane humor that always makes me laugh.
Personally, there were many occasions that weren’t funny in 2007 but coming to TNOYF on a regular basis, always allowed me find my smile.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Here’s wishing you and your wonderful readership a wonderful Christmas and a New Year that brings all of us peace of mind.
Best,
Laurie Kendrick
Thanks for those wonderful thoughts, Laurie. We appreciate all you’ve done for TNOYF. Best wishes in the New Year.