Guest Editorial by Jesus H. Christ

Yes my children, I know what you are thinking. Why would the Son of God write a guest editorial for a low-grade-wannabe-satire-cyber-rag like The Nose On Your Face? I asked myself the same question (which is a bit odd since I’m all-knowing). Well, the truth is, sometimes even Jesus has to make compromises to get a point across, even if it means having His holy words posted on a blog that uses words like “man-spew.”

(As an aside: Mr. Potfry and Mr. Williams should know that their wives pray to me everyday for their redemption, but even my powers have their limits.)

Anyhow, let me get to the point.

I want to address the tumult around the Presidential candidate John Edwards, who was recently called a “faggot” by your Ann Coulter.

First, I find the use of the term “faggot” reprehensible. Ms. Coulter should know better. All of God’s creatures, whatever their particular proclivity, deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and “faggot” represents the worst kind of hate-filled rhetoric.

Moreover, in the strictest sense, Mr. Edwards is not in fact a homosexual. I know. I’ve been keeping my eye on him ever since he was in the third grade and he bilked the retarded kid down the street out of his bicycle. How did our toothy hero acquire that nifty little Schwinn? By telling his helmet-clad neighbor that I, the son of God, “will strike you down from above if you do not give this bicycle to his Earthly emissary, Johnny Edwards, to keep in trust for the less fortunate.”

After that move, I have kept the Breck-boy on my radar.

Faggot? No. Mr. Edwards is what we in Heaven call a douchebag. Need more evidence?

This is a man who built a personal fortune with tactics like claiming to be channeling a 5 year old cerebral palsy victim during his closing arguments in a medical malpractice suit. Douchebag extraordinaire (and bonus douche-bag points for raking in a $5.75 million award).

A man who promised that a John Kerry presidency would allow the paralyzed to walk again. As my Spanish friends would say, Los Douche Grande.

A man who stated that I, Jesus, would be appalled at how Americans ignore the plight of the poor, just weeks after hiring a radically liberal blogmaster who once wondered what the world would have been like had the Virgin Mary (that would be my Mom) taken the morning-after pill.

Can you say Super Douche? The Douche with 50% More Douche? The Douche that Ate Cleveland?

And for a final piece of evidence, my children, know this: I’ve consulted with Liberace and Rock Hudson. And they tell me that if John Edwards were really homosexual, the other homosexuals would beat him with their man-purses for being such a douchebag.

Thank you, and Dad Bless.

(Thanks to Bill the Rotorhead over at Castle Argghhh!!! for a valuable editorial suggestion).

Related posts 

1. Edwards Endorsement Brings Crucial Swing Voters Into Play For Obama
2. Comedy Central Pushes The Courage Envelope Yet Again
3. Rooney Leaves England Squad, Wins Championship With New Team
4. Edwards Asks Supporters for 100K To Fight Coulter Bigotry And Finally Get Lavender Tour Bus
5. Edwards’ Camp Provides Data Back-Up For “99% Honest” Comment