After a precipitous drop in the polls over the past few weeks, Republican senator John McCain’s floundering campaign was issued the proverbial coupe de grace at a rally in Des Moines on Thursday afternoon with the arrival of disaster harbinger “Heineken Looter Guy.”

“Maybe I was just kidding myself, but I really thought we had a chance at turning this thing around,” said McCain ‘08 spokesman Miles Preston. “I thought Mr. McCain was spot-on with the speech he gave on the Senate floor the other night, and I believed that had put the momentum back in our favor. Apparently I was wrong.”

For his part, Heineken Looter Guy remained equal parts professional and contemplative in his assessment of the situation.

“It certainly is nothing personal against Senator McCain and the lads in his camp. I am actually quite fond of him. However, as a professional disaster awareness consultant, it is my duty to- how do you say?- ‘call ‘em the way I see ‘em’. From a purely factual perspective, this campaign has quickly gone the route of Katrina, Chernobyl, and Hillary Clinton’s military policy. I would be in violation of my code of conduct were I not to make this decision. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a bottle opener would you? All of these catastrophes are taking quite the toll on my teeth.”

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