Subscribe
Richard Warman, Esquire: A Dr. Seuss From Beyond The Grave Tale
In maple leaf land roams a man most unique
So sit back and relax, for your interest he’ll pique.
He goes by the handle Richard Warman, Esquire
But others might call him a professional crier.
Yes, Richard has endured greetings far less than warm,
Why? Many say it is simply poor form.
Or maybe it’s just that he’s misunderstood,
For in his heart Richard only strives to do good.
I am quite perplexed by these terrible letters,
From those not accepting their Islamic betters.
Are burkas so bad? Must women learn?
Why make flags flammable if they weren’t meant to burn?
“Free speech” is always their rallying cry,
But please, is it “free” if your words make me cry?
For that is the crux of the matter you see,
Richard has a soul far more gentle than thee.
He holds housefly funerals, gets choked up by rain!
Far more than Bill Clinton, he does feel your pain.
He hugs the crushed chips in the big bag of Lays,
When he heard Waldo was lost, he sobbed nine long days!
And if there comes a time that you must controvert him,
Please use sticks or stones, ‘cuz words surely will hurt him.
More likely to sip a cosmo than a lager,
What really gets him verklempt are those neo-con bloggers.
Oh the words that they use oh those words, words, words, words!
Each one that they write gives me fits, flots, and flurds!
Don’t they realize just what their scary ideas might do
If there were no Richard Warman protecting you?
That Ezra Levant published Mohammed cartoonies,
Free Dominion is chock full o’ right wingy loonies!
Kate McMillan’s mean prose always gives me a frown,
And Kathy Shaidle maintains that I pee sitting down!
Did you know Jonathan Kay of the National Post
Is Hitler’s first cousin, far more vicious than most?
With his pluck and his grit, Richard takes on these cads
Else their cruel words leave hapless folks feeling quite bad.
At the top of the heap is that villain Mark Steyn,
Who I’ve chosen to let slide just this one time.
That Steyn is a scoundrel, he fills me with dread,
But damned if I can get that man out of my head!
That distinguished beard, oh-so-perfectly groomed
The accent that’s made many mere mortals swoon.
South African? British? I can’t quite detect,
But when he speaks, ‘neath my belt the blood all defects.
That hiney, those pecs, fairly make me scream out,
“Hey there big guy, you been working out?”
But alas, as you see, I’ve begun to digress
(As often happens to me from his pure Steyninesss).
Though briefly distracted from his most noble of causes,
Richard Warman, Esquire takes the shortest of pauses.
Then quickly returns to the business he should,
Filtering mean speech for the far greater good.
Tis a burden quite great, to you I confess,
Having always to judge for my country what’s best.
If I let my guard down for even a sec,
Why your minds would be filled with the most vile dreck!
What, you might ask, drives this warrior on?
What makes him right wrongs from late dusk until dawn?
Some say as a child he received one wedgie too many
From Dalton, Ned, Zeke, and that one-legged dwarf Benny.
He limped home that night, quite embarrassed and swollen,
And commenced extracting his briefs from his colon.
And when he was calm, and his insides undressed,
He looked in the mirror and whispered one word: “unless.”
Unless I fight back, unless they all pay,
Other kids might get super-wedgies today!
Or-even worse- someone might speak to them curtly,
And leave them with feelings all injured and hurtly.
Or, horror of horrors, disagree with their themes,
Rendering their lives battles ‘gainst low self-esteem.
So pay they all must, for I will make a stand
How much? I’d say roughly ’bout fifty grand.
PLEASE SUPPORT OUR CANADIAN FRIENDS
- Richard Warman T-Shirt Design: VOTE
- Retro-Nose: Richard Warman, Esquire: A Dr. Seuss From Beyond The Grave Tale
- We interrupt the Islamic Rage Boy Retrospective to bring you this brief Rosie O’Donnell Interlude
- New T-Shirt Design For Canadian Bloggers
- New Lawsuit in Canada Against Conservative Bloggers: Time To Buy An Ezra Levant T-Shirt!
Tags: Canada, Canadian Human Rights commission, comedy, conservative, Dr. Seuss, Ezra Levant, free speech, funny, humor, Mark Steyn, parody, Richard Warman, Satire, values
This is great! Should come with the warning: To prevent choking hazard, do not drink or eat while reading.
I loved it! This person is truly worthy of contempt. (Oops - I just opened myself up to prosecution under Canada’s ridiculous “Human Rights” laws.) Now, Warman who has brought almost every case under s. 13 of those laws (the one where you complain that something someone says may cause hate or contempt) will be able to launch a government funded action against me. If I can prove he is contemptable, I will still lose, since truth or fact is not a defence. The only criteria is that if what I said may cause the object of my remarks to feel contempt or hate. Note: MAY not necessarily will; also Note: CONTEMPT OR hate, so the bar is lowered dramatically. Is it really necessary or appropriate that someone who feels he is subjected to contemptuous comment be allowed to drag the commenter before a government tribunal (which he worked for and is still involved with) and be awarded tens of thousands of dollars of damages? That is the sad state of “Human Rights” in Canada.
Warman could not even get laid if he were a 5 cent whore on 14th Steet in DC. What a moron.
Ria: there is such a thing as a 5 cent whore???
Once again, you guys outdid yourself. Make sure Mark Steyn doesn’t see this, or the Warmiack may sue him again!
I think this was the first time I’ve snorted in years. Thanks TNOYF!
Right on that is great. If you ever make it up to the Red Deer Ab area start resighting your poem. I`ll be there before your 1/2 done and the beer is on me for the rest of the night.
Truly one of your best, Buckley! I literally did, in fact, LOL!
Brilliant.
Long live white people!
And black people.
And native.
For I’m a mixture of two out of three.
Oh, and everyone else too. Ha! You thought you had a lawsuit, there, now didn’t you dear delicate Richard?
Terrific. That is good, very good. LOL stuff.
Within the top 5 guys. But now I suddenly feel as if all my words should rhyme.
Curse that Warman so proper and preen, curse him to the highest extreme. It’s pansies as he that trash what is free because deep down inside he’s just a flea.
Sorry. Pulled that out of my ass. Now really, if we think about it, maggot and faggot rhyme beautifully.
Stacy’s funny. Did we know that?
If you weren’t always looking at my boobs you would have known that already
You say somethin?
Very entertaining read.
Although, I must admit I’m still a bit more fond of good ol’ Seuss, haha.