Just moments after hearing General David Petraeus give an upbeat, albeit honest, assessment of the situation on the ground in Iraq, Democratic party leaders were ready with a wide variety of responses.

“I have no further comment on this propaganda-filled hate-speech,” said Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy. “I already gave you people my detailed analysis and subsequent rebuttal last week.”

Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada offered a broader perspective.

“Look, let’s not get all bogged down with vague questions like ‘how many insurgents have actually been killed’ or ‘is Iraq the very necessary front-line for fighting a much larger war against Islamic fundamentalists who, if they had their way, would wipe all of us off of the map today in the name of their deity’,” said Reid. “Those points are so nuanced that even I can’t get my mind around them. Besides, it is not our role to be taking sides in this ill-advised, technically illegal war. What you need to remember is that nearly one out of five Americans believe in the work this Democratic Congress is doing. That’s over twenty percent. As a Nevada resident, I have to tell you that I really like these odds.”

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton offered no comment, but in a moment of extreme candor was overheard by one astute reporter uttering the following to an aide.

“Can someone please tell me why that f*** Petraeus was allowed to testify? I clearly ordered a number seven on him. That’s a ’suicide by hanging wearing only his boxer shorts and a George W. Is My Homeboy!’ t-shirt. I’m surrounded by f***ing imbeciles!”

A man calling himself “Senator Joe Biden” then opined.

“I disagree with the general, but am very impressed that 76% of American households recognize his name! I’ve been a senator for decades, made racially insensitive remarks, and even set myself on fire to draw recognition for my presidential campaign and I’m still in the single digits.”

Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson weighed in on the topic as well.

“I thought that all in all, the Democrats offered nothing except vitriol and mind-numbingly idiotic platitudes that flew in the face of all factual information and logic,” said Thompson. “That being said, I did think that Senator Kennedy provided a very sober assessment of the situation. It was dead-wrong and about as self-servingly partisan as a typical Kennedy diatribe, but both the slurring and shaky hands were barely noticeable.” 

Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois was unavailable for comment as he was inexplicably stricken once again by a three-alarm trouser-fire.

Related posts 

1. New Report: Al-Qaeda Members Born With Silver Spoons
2. Mary Jo Kopechne To Patrick Kennedy: “You Sir, Are No Ted Kennedy.”
3. Top 9 Statements That Would Make Ted Kennedy Cry
4. Fred Thompson Reveals Fear Of Carter Eulogy Made Him Tank Presidential Bid
5. McCain Comes Under Fire For “Bitter” Comments