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Basic Training In The Obama Era
Gentlemen, welcome to your first training session for Operation Charm and Awe. Please pay close attention as there have been some major changes in the way we will be conducting combat ops in the immediate future. On direct orders from the Commander-in-Chief himself, I am here today to brief you on the latest in weapons technology. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the MM-350.
This represents the cutting edge in combat-ready dialogue-facilitation technology. I know most of you…yes, soldier?
Uh, Gunny, I just…
Correction, soldier. Per President Obama’s new orders you’ll now refer to me as “Emmy.”
Uh, Emmy?
Yes, Emmy. It’s short for Emissary of Understanding. Do you have a problem with that?
Sir, No SIR!
No, I’m serious, soldier. If you do have a problem with it, now would be a terrific time for us to try out President Obama’s new “Hug It Out” Policy.
No, that’s OK… Emmy, sir. It’s just…well…the MM 350 looks a lot like a Mr. Microphone.
Not sure I follow you son. But I assure you this is a finely tuned instrument for a new kind of war. A war…let me see if I can recall the wording from the manual..”fraught with peril at every turn because of the arrogance and narrow-minded policies of the previous administration. The war on disengagement.”
Sir, I agree with Private Jacobs. That looks like a Mr. Microphone.
To the untrained eye, perhaps.
How do you fire it?
Excellent question. See that little switch on the side? Just turn it to the “ON” position and you are locked and loaded as they say.
There’s no safety?
I think I can answer that question best by reading from the manual again: “It’s all about safety with the MM 350. Real safety. Not the kind that comes from taking an arrogant, belligerent stance against other members of the world community. Rather, the kind of safety that comes with talking to another human being—whether he’s North Korean, Cuban, or enthusiastically Muslim–person to person, looking him square in the eye and acknowledging the relevance of his particular cultural proclivities. Once you point and aim the MM-350, Operation Charm and Awe will be in full force.” I hope that helps.
Not even slightly. Thank you Sir.
Sir, I was just reading a bit from the manual and have a couple questions about the list of phrases we are to use when engaging the enemy.
Go on.
Okay, like this one, “Kindly point that Surface-to-Air Missile away from my head. While I understand and respect that assertiveness is considered a very desirable characteristic among males in your culture, you are making me slightly uncomfortable. I merely want to take a few minutes to apologize for America’s egregious history of raping and pillaging the world community.“
Was there a question, soldier?
Yes. After he blows my head off, will it be considered a combat death even though I wasn’t actually holding a weapon, just a tricked out Mr. Microphone?
Let’s leave the fancy details to the pencil pushers in DC, son. Out here in the field, we need to focus on staying alive. Was there another phrase that concerned you?
Sort of. I guess I’m not quite sure how yelling “Allah, Allah oxen free” into a Mr. Microphone–
–You mean “yelling Allah, Allah, oxen free into the cutting edge in combat-ready dialogue-facilitation technology.”
Right, sorry Emmy. I’m not quite sure how yelling “Allah, Allah oxen free” into the cutting edge in combat-ready dialogue-facilitation technology is going to make us safer.
Look, son. I know this goes against everything we believe in. Everything we’ve ever learned. Everything we’ve trained for. Hell, it goes against the most basic form of common sense that infants are born with.
But?
Tags: basic training, engagement, Military, obama, parody, president, Satire
Wow, apparently under Obama NCOs are addressed as “Sir.”
How can we expect our young troops to master the use of Mr. Mic…er, the ‘communications facilitator’, without Mr. Telepromp…, uh the ‘conciliatory obeisance phrasometer’ that the CIC uses to such devastating effect?
Excellent posts, sir.
What happens when the MM350 goes toe to toe with yowling and screeching from the loud speakers of the local mosque?
Jake T. Snake from Whiskey Fire here. Perfectly willing to accept a critique of the military and its commander in chief from folks who have actually been in the military. So have ya? I was for 10 years. See here is the thing I am cool with a critique of the military from folks who have actually put something on the line themselves and if that describes you I salute you as a patriot and fellow soldier. If you haven’t served and want to keep encouraging other people to die for something you yourself won’t step up for then I have no use for you. Just saying…
Hmm, as my son prepares to leave for boot camp next week.
How appropriate.
p.s. I’ve missed you guys. I’ve been staying away from the computer these days.
Jake: We were not aware that we must limit our opinions to topics we’ve got personal experience with. We’ll follow suit as soon as you and Thers make a similar commitment.
And Jake? Thanks for taking time out of your clearly busy day to wander over to our tiny little blog to trumpet your military service.
Excellent post once again, gentlemen.
Apparently Jake’s been sniffing his glue again. Never mind. Our military is clearly worse off for his 10 years of service.
So that’s a no then?
If I may, clearly this seems to be poking fun at the current administration and not the military Jake.
Dan
That’s funny, right there. Of course, Gunny is a Marine Corps rank, not an Army, but that’s even better. Jake: I’ve got 18 years in, and I still appreciate humor.
Seems Jake is pushing a “stifle it” policy. Not what anyone I know in the military stands for.
Hey, “Evil Red”, I gotta say: when *I* was in basic, *everyone* was a Sir or a Ma’am, because that’s good manners.
If you have a problem with that, you can go talk to my old T.I., who will shove his size-12 up your ass until you no longer have that problem.
To the uneducated and unfamiliar practices of the Military– Yes an NCO will be called “SIR” but any soldiers below his rank.
Is that picture of DS Emmy from FOB Murphy on Fort Sill? Holy crap, if it is….
@Evil Red Scandi
Spoken like someone with no military background. In basic training a recruit addresses everyone as Sir. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, kindly STFU!
in the marine corps, recruits refer to their DIs as Sir. In the army if a private calls me sir, I crush their nuts. I am DRILL SERGEANT. not sergeant. not sir. Not freaking sarge. Not yes. Not no. DRILL SERGEANT. Accept no substitutes.