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Transcript of Love Letter Found In Car of Diaper-Clad Astronaut Lisa Nowak

00000240-constrain-450x450.jpgTNOYF has received a copy of the love letter found in the car of astronaut/stalker Lisa Nowak, who was charged with murder last week after attacking a woman she believed to be her rival for the affections of astronaut William “Billy-O” Offelin.

My Dearest Billy-O:

 

I write this from a Denny’s in Mississippi, where I just changed my diaper in the rest room. It’s been a long drive, but I’ve got my favorite picture of you taped to the dashboard— that one where your entire focus seems to be on me. Like your eyes are boring into my skull. The way you ought to be, Billy-O. Sometimes, while I’m driving, I’ll think of you with her or if my diaper starts chafing me bad, I’ll get mad and scratch your picture, or jab it with the knife. Then I feel bad and pull over, and mend the picture with tape and kisses.

Hey—guess what? For old time’s sake, I just wrote “Astronauts Do It In Orbit” on the bathroom wall! Remember when we used to do crazy stuff like that? Back when things were simple? Back before you met that sleazy little launch pad?

Anyway, I need to make this quick because some people are looking at me funny, probably cause I just carved your initials into my cheek. I’m half way to Orlando where I plan to introduce your little space whore to the business end of a BB gun. I’m doing this for us, Billy. You need less distractions in your life, and I intend to eliminate them for you.

I’ll write more soon.
Forever yours,
Lisa

P.S.–Remember the moon bounce at that carnival? When that woman accidentally bumped into you and I went all Ninja-like on her, and they had to call the police? Honestly, I couldn’t understand all the hub-bub. Once they got the air-hole cut in her throat, she seemed fine to me, and a better woman for having learned an important life lesson. I could see it in her eyes.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 14th, 2007 at 10:56 am and is filed under Conservative satire, Just Plain Old Nuts. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Comments

One Response to “Transcript of Love Letter Found In Car of Diaper-Clad Astronaut Lisa Nowak”

  1. Pete on February 15th, 2007 10:28 am

    Hmm

    A highly distressing affair for that fiesty space cadet.

    Naturally raises the question - will the Top Secret NASA Study “Remotely Monitored Astronaut Orgies and Gyrating Breasts in Weightless Conditions” ever be leaked?

    Congress needs to be briefed.

    Pete





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