After remaining neutral during some of the most important conflicts over the past five centuries, Switzerland has finally come forward and taken a firm stance on an issue they feel is of paramount importance to not only their survival, but the survival of the world as we know it: vegetable rights.

Neutrality has been the official Swiss policy since 1516, enabling them to delicately “straddle the fence of history” as many in this mountainous country are fond of saying.

“It is not that we Swiss are afraid of conflict,” said Swiss parliamentarian Anton Di Fleur. “It’s just that nothing has occurred until now that we considered worthy of our attention and efforts. We heard that Hitler had killed some Jews, but that was all sorted out in short order, relatively speaking. The plight of the average citizen in the USSR during Soviet-era communism? Slightly moving, but hey, no one told them they had to stay there. But the vegetable. The innocent, harmless vegetable. Cultivated. Cared for. And then cruelly murdered and eaten. Future generations shall look back on our treatment of vegetables and no doubt consider it the most vile and wicked of betrayals that one group of sentient beings has perpetrated against another. ”

The Swiss have become so enamored of the cause, that they recently added a provision to their constitution that requires “account to be taken of the dignity of creation when handling animals, plants and other organisms.”

The significance of the Swiss declaration was not lost on progressive thinkers across the pond.

“This is such a postive thing that has occurred in Switzerland,” said Berkeley student and president of the campus chapter of the pro-choice group, ‘Abort! Abort! Abort!’, Chloe Heidenberg.  ”Standing up for the dignity of vegetables, Terry Schiavo notwithstanding of course, is something that is long overdo.” 

Di Fleur went on to say that although this a notable accomplishment, there is still much work to be done.

“Yes, this is unmistakably a victory for the equal rights of all living things, but it is but one battle in a much larger war. I can only hope that this paves the way for even larger causes. Take viruses for example. It concerns me deeply that the systematic killing of a group of living things has been so callously and enthusiastically accepted, nay, sanctioned, by entire groups of people and governments. We clearly have more work to do.” 

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