TNOYF has obtained an advance copy of some of the queries submitted by Columbia University students for Iranian President Ahmadinejad, who visits the campus today as part of his continuing worldwide goodwill tour.

Dear Esteemed Leader:

It seems the explosives you are supplying to the freedom fighters in Iraq aren’t killing and maiming the illegally occupying American soldiers at the rate we’d hoped for. Have you considered switching to a device with a greater air blast and superior fragment projection? Or, failing that, perhaps taking a page from our brothers in the Palestinian resistance and filling the IEDs with ball bearings, nails, and thumb tacks?

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Oh Mighty Prince of Persia:

First, let me apologize for those mindless Neo-con (talk about redundant!) protests outside. It’s a sad day indeed when the benevolent leader of a major world power is pelted with Slurpee cups and greeted with cries of “Hey cabbie!” Furthermore, I really felt the “Goat Whisperer” signs were beyond the pale.

My question stems from a recent discussion we had in my Womyn’s Studies Class. A freshman suggested that Iran’s policies toward women could be construed as borderline intolerant, citing the recent death by stoning of an Iranian woman for adultery. I quickly pointed out the faulty, blatantly ethnocentric thinking inherent in this student’s remark. My question is this: in this supposedly “enlightened” day and age, why are so many people still so intolerant of different cultures? And please don’t give me the “He’s just a freshman” line. I was a freshman like three semesters ago and was never a raging xenophobe like that Hitler-youth wannabe.

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Dearest Sultan:

First, I want to apologize for the so-called lizards at the Zionist blog Little Green Footballs who have taken to calling you “DinnerJacket.” That their ignorance and intolerance extends even to their fashion sensibility should not surprise us. The enlightened among, us, however, can appreciate that a Members Only jacket never goes out of style.

My question is this: many BusHitler supporters conveniently believe that, in your famous “World Without Zionism” speech, you said that “Israel should be wiped from the map.” Last week, in my Tibetan Film and TV class, the professor told us that academic scholars have properly translated the phrase as, “Live long and prosper my Hebrew brethren.” Clearly, this translation is more in keeping with Iran’s great tradition of tolerance. But I remain perplexed: why is it that Israel wants to kill Arab babies?
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Mighty Monarch of Mesopotamia:

It is a pleasure to have a real, live revolutionary speak at our humble school. I know many Rethuglicans have put enormous pressure on Columbia to prevent you from speaking. To this university’s credit, they haven’t backed down. The free exchange of ideas-especially unpopular ones-must be allowed to continue in this country; especially in the halls of academe. I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say. I already know it will be a quantum leap ahead of the vile, racist Minutemen speech that we had to shut down last year. I would like to know if you will be coming out with a line of t-shirts similar to Che Guevera’s? I know like a hundred dudes who would totally buy one. Keep it in mind.

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President Ahmadinejad,

Two-part question: First, is it difficult to break into your line of work? Second, are you currently accepting interns?

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