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Iraqi Soccer Team Victorious Despite U.S. Deposing Saddam
Fresh off of his team’s stunning victory at the recently completed Asian Cup, Iraqi national team captain Younis Mahmoud took the opportunity to say that he would like to see America out of his homeland, and that he wished they “didn’t invade Iraq” in the first place. To the surprise of many, Mahmoud went on to assert that by freeing Iraq’s soccer team from the notoriously brutal grip of Saddam’s son Uday, America actually made their task more difficult.
“Yes, yes, yes, America always knows best don’t they?” Mahmoud asked rhetorically. “Coming into my country and shaking things up; destroying years of tradition. I actually had one of the American’s tell me that with Uday gone, I should have motivation to win - get this- for myself and my “newly freed country.” Well let me tell you something my friend. You want motivation? Try taking a penalty kick with a wood chipper staring at you from behind the net. Try playing a must-win World Cup qualifier with a remote-detonated explosive device strapped to your man parts. And don’t even get me started about how we used to run suicides. That is motivation. Save the ‘Gipper’ stories for foolish schoolgirls.”
A U.S. military spokesman had the following to say.
“I can certainly see where Mr. Mahmoud is coming from,” said Captain Rick Corlett. “I have a bit of a nostalgic streak myself. That is why we are going to leave, but not before we put things right. As we speak I am having my men re-mine the soccer fields and dust off the genital dart guns. Obviously we cannot reinstate Uday as Minister of Sport, but we were able to work out an early release deal with Charles Manson.”
Mahmoud called the gesture “a good start” and went on to say that although Manson “is no Uday, he does have an impressive body of work; even by Middle Eastern standards.”
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“As we speak I am having my men re-mine the soccer fields and dust off the genital dart guns. Obviously we cannot reinstate Uday as Minister of Sport, but we were able to work out an early release deal with Charles Manson.”
HA! Great line Potfry and Buckley! So was the woodchipper strategically placed by the goal. Nothing instills inspiration like perspiration—and the very real fear of a horrible death!
Great stuff,
LK
Iraqi Footballer shuns Premiership
Following scenes of jubilation in his home town, the scorer of the winning goal Younnes El Matoktoum El Macktum or Mac to his team mates has shocked the Premiership with a flat refusal to joined Liverpool FC.
Speaking through his interpreter he made an impassioned plea..
“When you and your family are having petrol bombs lobbed at you,your car burned and vandalised, threats mailed to you and youngsters offering protection to you and your family members it makes you realise that Moss side is not the place to settle and I think Baghdad is a much safer City”.
Liverpool Manager Rafa Benitos has accepted the players comments saying that he felt the player had received bad advice as to where to settle when he came over to Liverpool.
A Local “Scally” was less impressed. “Well like, yer know, he’s a lad who’s used to all the shite life can throw at him and like we were hoping he’d think its our way of saying, ‘alright mate’.”
Goalkeeper Jesus Pesandero also commented..His a nervous guy, I came out for a cross the other day in training shouting “Mine” he dived on the ground shouting some garbled jibberish and shaking badly.