We here at The Nose On Your Face were quite impressed with the creative writing displayed in the recent Reuters headline regarding the British Muslim extremist who was apprehended and “charged with planning to kidnap a British soldier, hack his head off, and distribute the video of the murder on the internet.”

We, along with scores of other faux news organizations, look up to the “big dogs” at Reuters to show us how it is done. Once again they have not disappointed. And so in a blatantly transparent attempt to garner attention (and hopefully a better-paying job at the internationally recognized Mecca of journalism) we present:

Top 9 Alternative Reuters Headlines For “Briton Admits Plot To Behead Muslim Soldier”

9. Guy-Next-Door Type Caught Up In Wacky Scheme To Exterminate Militaristic Muslim

8. Purported Manchester United Fan Discloses Creative Effort To Reduce Military Pork Consumption

7. Frontman For ZZ Top Tribute Band Offers Cranial Redistribution Service To Muslim Mercenary

6. (tie) Oppressed Bloke Cops To Planning Slaying Of Brainwashed Muslim

6. (tie) Neighbors Say Man Accused Of Death Plot Is “Avid Reader” And “Deeply Spiritual Being”

5. Bi-lingual, Third-year Humanities Student’s Efforts To Aid Military Screening Rejected

4. Authorities Seek Clues To Why Peaceful British Subject Sought To Behead Muslim Military Regular

3. Police Compel Exploited Lad To Admit To Infidel Reduction Scheme

2. Under Duress, Enthusiastic Tanned Commoner Admits Planning Death Of Willful Muslim

1. (tie) Expatriate From The Cradle Of Civilization Provoked Into Planning Death Of Noble Muslim Soldier

1. (tie) Peace-loving Citizen Condemned For Innovative Attempt At Down-Sizing Military

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