The Associated Press released a statement late Wednesday evening to The Nose On Your Face regarding their confidential sources from the recent “Sunni Six” burning incident in Iraq. An AP spokesman speaking, ironically enough, on condition of anonymity said the following.

“With regard to the AP’s handling of the recent, tragic incident in Iraq that left six Sunni’s burned to death, we have been inundated with demands that our sources be revealed. Of course we refused, knowing that such an action would compromise our journalistic integrity and strongly discourage future sources from laying down their RPG’s to speak with us in the future. 

We have been pressured regarding the true identity and credentials of Capt. Jamil Hussein, the finest captain this side of James T. Kirk, and an all-around good man whose reputation is being dragged through the mud.

We have also been accused of fomenting a civil war in Iraq. This is patently false. The Associated Press does not take sides in any incident. In fact, a recent straw poll showed that the only entities on the planet considered as impartial as us were the UN, Ninth Circuit Court judges and single mothers with attachment disorder who were called to school due to behavioral concerns over their child. Fairly elite company by any standard. We merely report the facts. Period.

However, circumstances have changed. All three major television networks, CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, the ACLU, Human Rights Watch, even Nancy Pelosi have come forward demanding answers on this one. Due to the extreme potential for harm to both Iraqis and other Westerners, we felt that it would be prudent to make an exception in this case.

Nahhhh! Just f***ing with you. All those guys are still cool with us, it was just a bunch of right-wing bloggers trying to stir up trouble again.

On a side note, don’t forget that there is still time to donate stuffed animals, toys and children’s limbs to our ‘U.S. Military School-Bombing Simulation’ program. Items that are already charred and shrapnel-laden are obviously preferred, but all are welcome.”   

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