I have temporarily suspended my jihad against the West in order to straighten out a handful of increasingly pressing matters that continue to haunt me.

A number of pretenders to the Islamic Rage Boy throne have emerged in recent months, and dispatching of them is now of paramount importance to my own personal code of honor, as well as to the IRB franchise.

First and foremost is the most vocal, and persistent, of them all: an Indian who used to call himself “Shakeel Bhat.” This wretch who has taken to using my name, describes himself as “a professional protester”, which is really code for “curry-drenched ass-pirate.” The mighty IRB a protester? Bah! There are far too many Jews to incinerate and whores to mutilate to waste time marching and whimpering like a New York Times op-ed columnist on Newt Gingrich Appreciation Day.

Next came the one who calls himself “King Leonidas.” Oh he may not have used my name, but make no mistake about it: he has been quite consciously stealing my patented moves for some time. This Greek swine should have stuck to making sculptures or performing acts of sodomy rather than drawing the ire of this Persian. We shall soon see how he and his vaunted “300″ fare against a school bus packed from exit door to driver’s seat with C-4, barreling down the Pass of Thermopylae at them.

Now yet another vapid cur pretending to be yours truly has surfaced in Pakistan. This proboscisally-over-endowed mouth-breather was recently featured on the cover of Newsweek magazine in full Islamic Rage Boy garb. He was even sporting my officially licensed throwback dishadasha! Does their insolence know no bounds?

To top it all off, a rather burly homosexual American man has been unapologetically lifting my facial gestures, mannerisms, and voice tone in order to further his pathetic career. This man, who goes by “Rosie,” is perhaps the most insidious -and obvious- of them all. He is the Beatlemania to my Beatles. The “Bobcat”Goldthwait to my Sam Kinison. The Whitesnake to my Zeppelin. He must be first to go.

To add insult to injury, my attempt to have my own likeness trademarked was refused on legal grounds by an overeager - and temporarily still breathing- United States patent attorney several months back. Mark my words, he too will be made to pay. Hear me now, Mr. Fancy Trademark Attorney-Guy: no human being is illegal!

A new day has dawned. Islamic Rage Boy will suffer poseurs and con men no more!

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